Page 18 of Let Me Love You (Excess All Areas 5)

“Despite acting like I could have him, because I’m an idiot, you know I can’t marry him,” Chaya whispered.

“I knew you weren’t supposed to, but I didn’t know you intended to adhere to it. Only Ben realised it, and he loved you anyway. He’s only stepped back because your family has always been so important to you and there is no room for him in the version of your faith you want to live. He’s stepping back to let you have everything you want. To let you have your fully Jewish family, kosher home, and traditions. That’s Ben’s way. I’ve only been around the band for a year, but I see how Ben helps everyone else get what they need, and he just deals with what’s left. He’s never going to fight for you if he thinks this is what you want. I worry you are going to wake up next to Asher twenty years from now and realise it wasn’t worth it.”

“That’s a mean thing to say, Will.” But even as she spoke, she heard what Willow was trying to say on such a visceral level, it felt as though the words were being stamped into her brain. She knew what Ben was like. How he’d give everyone what they needed until he had nothing left. How he’d mould himself around other people’s needs and slide into the space left behind. It was his nature to give.

“Mean, or tough love?” Willow pulled her into a hug as the words reverberated around her brain. “I’m sorry. I love you, Chaya. Please don’t settle. Promise me you’ll choose you, first. Over what your faith requires. Over what your family wants. Choose you.”

“I’m choosing me, Will. Asher’s a good man. I wish he’d make time to get to know you all and for you to get to know him. You’d see how good he is for me. Keeping the covenant going is important to me. You’re appealing to guilt, not reason.”

Luke appeared in the hallway with Pat. “We’re going to drop Pat on our way home. Catch you later. And stop being a stranger. He’s a pain in the fucking arse when you aren’t around.”

Willow patted her hand one last time, then took Luke’s.

Chaya watched them as they walked down the hallway and envied the way Luke tucked Willow under one arm as he carried Zale with the other. A perfect family.

The words had hurt. But Willow had summed up her personal battle so succinctly. In a world with no Ben, Asher would be perfect.

She stepped back inside and focused on Nan, kissing her cheek, and sitting down in the spot Pat had left, the one on the opposite side of the bed from Ben. Normally, she had a great bedside manner. One of her supervisors had noted it during one of her examinations as part of her finals. But right now, she was all out of words.

“It used to be easy, didn’t it?” Ben said.

“What did?” She looked over at him and could see the intensity in his eyes.

“You and me. From that first day. Your faith in me was unshakable.”

There was that word again. Faith.

Ben leaned forward across Nan’s bed and reached for her hand, and without overthinking it, she gave it to him.

“When I found you in that warehouse, I didn’t think about your kidnapper. I just saw the biggest pair of brown eyes look up at me and you asked me if I was there to rescue you. And then those eyes filled with tears, and I knew I needed to stop them. While my ex-girlfriend was outside trying to call the police for help, I untied you, and then you threw your arms around me, and I promised I’d keep you safe.”

For some reason, tears stung her eyes, now. She’d lied to Asher to be here. Willow had delivered some hard home truths. She wasn’t sure she had the emotional capacity for this. But she didn’t have the words to stop him.

Before he said another word, she knew where this was heading. It was why he was on the other side of the bed. Away from her.

“You’ve always trusted me to know what’s best. And I’m sorry for behaving like such a dick about all this.” Ben looked at her earnestly. “I’ve made this hard for you. For both of us. All that time we spent together, I’d let you flirt with me, knowing it would lead here. Partly because I wanted to know what it would feel like. To be desired by you. Because that’s what it was, Chay.I wanted you to choose me over everything else, even though I knew you wouldn’t.But I’m starting to think that, while I was actually trying to make it easier for you, I made everything worse. It’s all backfired.”

“In fairness, Asher hasn’t helped, either,” Chaya said, finally finding the words. “I’ve felt like the baby Solomon threatened to cut in half. A piece of me still wanting to be your best friend and love you, and Asher wanting me to leave you behind.”

Ben swallowed, his expression looked as though he were swallowing razor blades. “I’m going to make it easy for you. You should go with your fiancé. You’re going to be his wife and have all the things that have ever been important to you.”

“Except you.” The words came out in a whisper.

Ben blew out a breath. “Except me. I’m going to move on too.”

“Shit,” Chaya muttered, sweeping a tear from beneath her eye. “I don’t want to have this conversation, Ben. Ever. I wish it with every beat of my heart it was different.”

“I know. I’ve spent years trying to convince myself that being your friend would be enough. Just beingaroundyou would be enough. But we’ve always known. Even when you thought it didn’t matter or when your feelings got ahead of your faith. Itdidmatter. It’s why we never crossed the line. I think we both knew it would be harder. When you forgot, on those preciously rare times when you’d look at me and ask me to kiss you. Or stand there in your underwear and ask me what was wrong with you, we both knew there was nothing wrong with you. And look how much easier your life is now Asher’s in it. Your families are happy, celebrating things you love, together.” He ran his finger over her engagement ring. “Youare happy.”

“It doesn’t feel like it right now.”

“We’ve got to fall out of love with each other by admitting that’s what we were. Asher’s right. We can’t be around each other. And I’m jealous of him. Because he gets to fall in love with you and keep you, Chay. But we can’t get around this because your faith is such a huge part of you. I can’t ask you to not be who you are. And I can’t pretend to be something I’m not. So, you need to go and throw yourself into your relationship with Asher, if that’s what you want. And I need to go figure out who I am without you.”

Tears dripped onto Nan’s blanket. “Don’t do this, Ben. Please. I love you and I’ve never even experienced what fully being in love with you feels like. I don’t know what it feels like when you kiss me, or what it feels like to wake up in the same bed with you.”

“It was done the minute you said yes to Asher. It’s just taken us four months to really realise it. You tried to stay away, for Asher’s sake, and it was the right call. This would be even harder if we’d done any of those things you just mentioned.”

Ben stood and grabbed a tissue from the box next to Nan’s bed to hand to her. Then, he leaned down and kissed his nan’s forehead. “Bye, Nan. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

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