Page 90 of Let Me Love You (Excess All Areas 5)

Matt nodded. “I’ve been thinking about that. I was going to suggest we approach things a little differently. Like, how would you feel if we just hung out and worked on it together? I watched that Beatles documentary, you know, the one of them filming their recording. And they just sat in a room and played, all of them. Even Yoko Ono was there. Like, what if it was more casual? Less pressure. Open door, while we get ideas down.”

“I really liked how it went the other day when we were working on that acoustic we need to record next week,” Ben said. “It went well. And it didn’t feel like any of the sessions we’ve had before. There was no yelling.”

“Apart from my neighbour, Dennis,” Jase joked. “I’m game. We should try it.”

“Same,” Luke added.

Alex nodded. “I’d love that. I think the way we perform has shifted. Makes sense the way we record could shift too.”

Matt slung his arm over Alex’s shoulder. “I don’t think it’s a risk. The shit that went down…the fighting and drugs and all that. It’s not what we’re about anymore. We can talk those differences through. And the five of us…we’re different people, now.”

We’re different people, now.

And Ben realised there had been a shift within him. One so small he could barely define it, but felt seismic. The conversation with Chaya at the garage had made him very aware of just how much work he needed to do to shift to be the best version of himself, yet he felt…close. “Recording together sounds like a good challenge. But we’re going to need to be raw with each other. Not hide behind old behaviours if one of us is triggered.”

Jase huffed. “My therapist says I excel at that, so fair point.”

Luke put his arm over Jase’s shoulder. “The difference is, I think someone could call you, or any of us, out on that, and we’d be able to handle the feedback now, right?”

Being in a healthy relationship with Chaya was everything he thought he’d always wanted, but he realised he wanted it with the band just as much.

And maybe, the hole that he’d felt for the last little while was beginning to close. And the trust that Chaya wasn’t just going to change her mind, realise he wasn’t worth giving up parts of her faith for, was growing.

Perhaps it all just needed time.

Suddenly, the darker riff he’d sent the guys was playing from Matt’s phone. “I really liked this,” he said.

Alex sat down at the keyboard. “Yeah, I played around with it too.” The melody he layered over the top was raw but really close to what Ben had in mind.

“What were you thinking for drums?” Luke asked. “Like, heavy dense bass, or something more nimble?”

Ben looked over to Luke. “Heavy and dense. It’s like a door closing. That feeling you get when you know with a hundred percent certainty that the thing you want most of all in your life will never be yours.”

“Another door closes,” Jase said. “The absolute opposite of optimism. We could explore that in the lyrics, right?”

Matt nodded. “I like the idea of the albums being full stories. And every good dark fairy tale starts with a sense of foreboding. Like, what happens if the door slams, but it wasn’t your way in, it was your way out? Like, locked inside yourself with fear of never breaking free?”

Hairs stood up at the back of Ben’s neck. Maybe that had always been his problem. He wasn’t shut out but locked into old beliefs. Everything he’d talked to Chaya about.

They worked on the song for the next hour, it accidentally taking shape as they worked on the bones of it. Lyrics had been written, not so much by committee, but by building on each other’s ideas and concepts. Matt’s more precise lyrics versus Jase’s more colourful prose. Luke’s blunt assessments and Alex’s nuanced understanding. And his own feelings blurted out over the top.

And it was perfect.

“You okay?” Alex said, as the others headed for the stairs.

“I’m fine.”

Alex studied him carefully from the keyboard stool. “You don’t normally lie to me. That was personal, right?”

Ben sighed. “On the walk here, I felt like this was the best day in forever. Counting my blessings and shit. The band. The money. Chaya. Even the fucking sunshine. I thought about moving on with my life, feeling good about how the band are, how me and Chay are. Then, I realised this hole in my gut is closing and it feels too good to be true.”

“I get the hole analogy. Music is our job. Our career. Our passion. But it’s only a part of who we are. I’ve realised the centre is what fills it for me. I hang their artwork, listen to them play. I hear them scream and see them make a mess. They fail so fucking spectacularly, then get up and try all over again. And some of them have so much talent and potential that it blows my mind. And now, they get an early start on expressing that and learning. And Zoe. The life we’re building together. Trusting her with every piece of me. That’s the kind of shit that fills those holes. Not platinum records or money in the bank.”

Ben pulled his brother into his arms and hugged him. “Have I told you lately how much I love you and how proud I am of you?”

Alex placed his forehead on his shoulder. “Last week, maybe,” he mumbled.

“I am. Truly. And I’m sorry.”

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