Page 62 of Let Me Love You (Excess All Areas 5)

“Well, you were right. We know so much about each other, but so much of it, we don’t know in the context of us as a couple. I’ve tried to ignore knowing about how many women you’ve slept with, beyond knowing it happened when I wasn’t there. But now, it’s important in the context of you and me. Because being monogamous is important. Getting tested will be important too. And when it comes to our sexual relationship, it’s important we know how he impacts us.”

Ben rolled her onto her back and raised himself over her on one elbow. “I’m not going to make excuses for my sex life up until now because we both know what it was. But I’m one hundred percent committed to being in this with you and only you. I got tested before I left, and I’ll get tested again if it would reassure you. I haven’t had sex with anyone since before I got home from the first leg of the tour. And for the record, waking with other women was the worst. The number of times I’d dream that I was with you and then I’d wake to someone who wasn’t you. It would feel like a kick to the fucking teeth.”

She placed her palm on his cheek, processing what he was telling her. “You asked about how what happened to me impacted my sex life. I can’t do bondage of any kind…it just…it’s too much. And nothing in my mouth. It just takes me out of the moment.”

“When we kiss, we…use tongues. Is that okay?”

Embarrassment heated her cheeks. “I’ve gotten that far. But anything else…just no. This feels weird. Talking to you about this. I’m…embarrassed, I guess.”

“I’m still me, Chay. And I want this kind of intimacy with you.”

“I just…”

“You just, what?”

“I feel like I’ve been missing out.”

“On what?”

“Great sex. The spontaneity of it. I wouldn’t say I was nervous about it, but I’ve always had rules I’ve passed off as preferences. I’ve never told anyone who was a casual thing about what happened. I just told them I didn’t like anything in my mouth or being tied up. But I wonder if, somehow, I need to try those things or something. But, like, blowjobs, tying my wrists, or rougher sex, or…”

Ben kissed her softly. “You can have great fucking sex without tying someone up.”

“But Alex…”

Ben smiled softly. “We all know what Alex likes, he’s never been shy about it. But, Chay. We can do this however you want. You want rules because they allow you to enjoy sex, we follow them. You want to build up to something, we figure out how to make it safe. You want me to just go with what I’m feeling and the vibes I’m getting from you, we can do that, as long as you know if you tell me to stop, I will, just like I did, then. Just tell me what you need, babe.”

“I’m scared of being pushed, but I need pushing.” She raised her lips to his and he slid his arm beneath her, supporting her like she knew he would for the rest of their lives.

He kissed her tenderly.

She slipped her hands over his shoulders.

“I want you to feel safe in my hands. And for us to have the kind of deep and abiding connection we’ve always had. One where we can share everything. We roll with it, what we’re feeling, and if it makes you uncomfortable, just use my full name, Benjamin, yeah?”

Chaya smiled up at him. “Won’t that feel like getting told off?”

He smiled softly. “I think it’s just weird enough to stop us. Only Nan and Mum call me Benjamin, and usually when I’m in trouble.”

She slid her fingers into his hair. “Benjamin it is. If we’re being honest, can I tell you something else?”

“Sure.”

“I always wondered, somewhere in the recess of my mind, if what happened was the reason you didn’t want me.”

“For fuck’s sake, no. It never even entered my mind. And I think we both know that it wasn’t that I didn’t want you. It was pure self-preservation, babe.”

“Well, kiss me again before I freak out that I shouldn’t have said all that.”

“No. We don’t freak out about being honest with each other. But I’ll kiss you simply because you are you. Because you’re beautiful. And because you’re finally mine.”

This time, when his lips touched hers, she allowed herself to fall into him. Fall into the hard lines of his body. His tongue teased hers with painful slowness. There was no rush, just the steady bloom of love for one another.

“Ben,” she sighed.

“I’ve got you.”

Then, she remembered. They were on the airplane. She looked down the plane and could make out the outlines of the others, sleeping.

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