Page 39 of Let Me Love You (Excess All Areas 5)

“Not if you’re upset. What’s wrong?”

“How can you…? You know, never mind. This is all me. All my fault. Listen. I’m fine.” She sucked in a breath and swept a finger beneath her lashes. “Honestly. Just hard seeing the last of your things go. I’ll be fine. Bye, Ben.”

She heard Ben call her name as she hurried into her car.

And why did she always seem to be driving away?

“Oh, shit,” she gasped as the first tear fell.

She couldn’t go straight to Asher’s. Not when she was this upset. She couldn’t go to her mum. She’d tell her to focus on the future again. She needed someone she could talk to. Someone who understood without her having to explain everything. She had about ninety minutes before she officially needed to be at Asher’s to light their candles, and she really wanted to make it given she was working in the morning. But she needed a friend.

She drove to Matt and Iz’s house, turned the car engine off, and ran up to the front door, hammering on it loudly. Matt opened the door with a smile that was quickly replaced with a frown. “Chaya, sweetheart. Are you okay?”

“No,” she said, swiping another tear away. “Is Izabel in?”

Before Matt could answer, Izabel slipped beneath his arm. “Oh, Chaya.”

“I can’t do this, Iz. I can’t do any of it.”

And then, the tears really fell.

Fell like a torrent.

Iz led her into the living room.

“I’ll make tea,” Matt said.

“It’s not fair, Iz,” she spluttered between streams. “It’s not fair I have to choose. You didn’t have to choose. You and Matt can just be together. And Jase and Cerys, and Luke and Willow. Jesus, Luke and Willow. He knocks up a one-night stand who turns into the love of his life. Why do I have to choose?”

Izabel nudged her onto the sofa and sat right next to her, holding her hand.

Matt reappeared with a box of tissues and Chaya took them, yanking a handful from the box one after another. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose.

“Asher is a good man. And I started this. Wishing I could have Ben but knowing all along I couldn’t have him forever because of my faith. And I’ve…I’m just…”

“You love Ben,” Iz stated.

“Yes.Yes. I’ve always loved him. I just. How do I decide what to do, Iz? How do I decide whether to give up on tenets of my faith and my family’s support, or Ben?”

“Oh, babe. I wish I could help you with that, but I can’t answer it for you,” Izabel said, her blonde hair falling over her shoulders as she shook her head. “Do you have someone you can talk to? Like, what if you went to talk to your rabbi or priest or minister or whatever they are called? Would they be able to give you good advice?”

“I don’t know. They’re biased. They’d talk about the promise we made to God at Mount Sinai. Plus, it’s not just the faith thing, it’s my dad. He’s always had this warped view of Ben’s role in what happened and why he stuck around. He’ll never forgive me…” The tears started again.

Thoughts she intellectually knew to be unfounded began to race in. She wasn’t good enough. She was a bad person. Wasn’t good enough for Asher. Wasn’t good enough for Ben. Wasn’t good enough for her faith. Despite all the hard work she did, to get the best grades, to help the most people, to pray the most faithfully. After she’d returned home, hadn’t that been what her father had encouraged? Pray hard to cleanse herself of what happened.

She placed her folded arms on her thighs and leaned forward as she cried.

Matt dragged a small table close to her and Iz, and placed the tea on it. He crouched down in front of her, offering her another tissue. “You want to call Asher? Maybe he’s the person you should be talking to this about.”

Chaya shook her head. “I’ve caused everyone enough problems. I need to figure this out for myself. It’s just…” The tears started to fall again, and this time, she couldn’t stop them. There was a fine line between crying and panicked hysterics, and she felt out of control, like she was sitting at the very top of a roller coaster, dangling over the precipice about to free fall.

Nothing made sense.

“I’m having a breakdown of some sort.”

“You want me to take you somewhere? Like, the hospital or something?” Matt asked.

Chaya shook her head again.

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