Page 76 of Love You Like That (Excess All Areas 4)

Zoe shook her head. “You know what I mean. Water shouldn’t be near instruments. And you don’t want to invest a ton in this space. Also, it would be easier to set up a little horseshoe arrangement, for the Simply Create orchestra.”

Her passion for the project was contagious. “We’re getting an orchestra now?”

“Why not? Don’t you remember the first time you played as a band? The day you went from quietly practising alone in your bedroom to suddenly being in tune, creating harmonies with your friends. Let’s give kids that feeling every day.”

Alex stepped into the centre of the room. “Art would definitely work here by the big windows.”

Zoe looked at the industrial estate beyond. “We need a container garden outside to block the concrete view. Big wooden boxes that can take tall shrubs to make a screen. Then plants that attract butterflies, birds, and bees. And walls that inspire.”

As they talked, he could feel it come together. Bright walls, green spaces, and activities that could spill outside. “I like that we can keep everything on one floor, although I’ll get a ramp put in out front and pay for a disabled access door if the landlord won’t install it. I want everyone to feel like they can come and find a home here.”

The words caught in his throat, burning his eyes.

Find a home here.

Was that what he was doing?

He reached for Zoe, hugged her close, and buried his head into her neck. Taking in a deep breath, he let her hold him.

“You okay?” she asked.

Prizing himself out of her hold, he kissed her softly. “Yeah. Feels better to have gotten some of those errands done before we came here, too.” They had driven into the city, and Alex had seen a shift in Zoe as they’d driven past the Royal Northern College of Music. She’d become quieter than usual. They’d picked up the things he’d needed. New notebooks, two pairs of jeans, and more black nail polish.

“It’s nice just spending time with you doing things that aren’t connected with your job.”

“What do you mean, not connected to my job?”

“I love being on tour with you guys and spending time with you. And I love watching you play. But there’s this weird undercurrent. And…this is all me. Shit I have to deal with. But there’s this power dynamic, where you’re the great musician and I’m just…well, an author assistant. Which, not that there’s anything wrong with that. In fact, I enjoy doing it and I make enough money. But…shit. It’s professional jealousy. Envy. I’m doing a terrible job of explaining this.”

“It’s all music, and you wish it was you?”

“It’s been like cutting off a limb. I feel like I lost a piece of myself.”

“You’re in limbo.” He reached for her hand and squeezed it.

“Limbo?”

“You’ve not fully let go of music, but you’ve not embraced life without it either. I saw the way you looked at the Royal Northern as we drove past it, today. You sighed and went quiet after we drove past.”

Zoe let go of his hand and placed her arms on top of her head. “I know.”

“If being on the tour is hard or affects us, leave. You and I will still be okay if you drop out.”

“I think that’s part of my problem. Dropping out.”

“Look, I’m never going to tell you to play again. That’s a call only you can make. But don’t be afraid of trying and making mistakes.”

Zoe stepped towards the window and pressed her forehead to the cool glass. “I’m not scared of making mistakes. I’m scared of not being the best once I’m done. When I played, it was like angels descended. Not a person was better than me at uni. Even in my first year, I crushed everyone. It’s a part of my identity to be the absolute best. I’m scared of not being her. Of not being that girl who could play with so much confidence.”

Zoe began to pace. “That Zoe was fearless. On track to be one of the greatest percussionists in the world. I hated the idea of pity about my diagnosis. Would I rather have kept my hearing? Yes. Losing it is not the end of the world. But,” she took a breath and seemingly attempted to calm herself. “No. I’m not scared of making a mistake, because I’m confident I can still play. I’m scared I’ll no longer be the absolute best. That I’ll be average like everyone else. And that is almost unbearable.”

Alex pulled her tightly into his arms. Squeezing her so close she could barely breathe, holding her as she calmed.

Once her breathing had returned to normal, he stepped back a little. “No matter what you do, Zoe. No matter what you wear, or the career you have, or any of those things, there is one thing that will absolutely remain true.”

“What is it?”

“You will never be average.”

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