Page 98 of How Good It Was (Excess All Areas 3)

Luke sighed and checked the time on his phone. “Something like that.”

Willow reached for his hand, and he kissed her knuckles.

“Are you worried about how to be a good dad?” Shelley asked.

“I don’t want to discuss this with you. But I do understand a little better. I always thought Dad’s death was the thing that hit us all hardest. But I think it was losing you that had the biggest impact on the way my life unfolded. And, you know what, I forgive you for getting so lost in your own grief that you forgot about us.”

He said the words cavalierly ... but as they settled in his chest, he realised he meant them.

Shelley straightened her shoulders. “I wish I was a stronger person, had a stronger disposition. I managed it by marrying men who could take care of me. You probably think that makes me weak. But it was my way of getting through grief. I guess I relied on you to step into Dad’s shoes.”

“I’m not Dad,” Luke said, trying to bite down the tears that threatened. But something inside him felt unleashed. Cracked open. Raw.

I’m not Dad ... and I don’t need to be him.

Words he’d wanted to say were now free.

Shelley’s tears fell freely. “Luke. You are every bit as good a man as your father. I knew you’d look after her. I thought it unfair to make her change schools in her GCSE exam year. You always seemed so capable, I guess I just forgot how young you still were. I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry I never realised just how much of a burden it was to you. It was never your job to raise her. You did a fabulous job of caring for her. And if you give your own child what you’ve given me and Izabel, your baby will be fine. But I’m sorry. Truly sorry, that your happiness was the price of everyone else’s, including my own.”

“Are you okay?” Willow asked as he tossed the bags onto the bed of his spare room.

Luke’s shoulders slumped forward. “I don’t know what I thought was going to happen. I said I forgive her, but now I just feel empty. Like the bitterness has gone, but nothing has come in and taken its place. And I realised something while we were sitting in her living room, which Dad’s hard work and life insurance paid for.”

“What’s that?”

Luke pursed his lips and creaked his neck from left to right, as if gearing up to drum. “Every single person I’ve loved in my life has left me or chosen someone else or let me down. Dad. Mum. Iz, with my best friend. My best fucking friend, Willow. And Jase ... he slept with my sister. And I’ve been trying to make my peace with all this. I’ve apologised to people. I’m trying to be a better person. To learn and grow. But I worry you’re going to leave me too.” He placed his hands on her stomach, rubbing it gently. “You’re going to take my kid to Malibu.”

Hurt oozed from every pore. In the tone of his voice. In his choice of words. In the heartbreaking pain in his eyes and the furrow of his brow and the way he cradled her bump.

She threw her arms around him. “Oh, Luke.”

He hugged her back, dropping his head to her shoulder. Holding her so tightly that even breathing took effort. But she wasn’t going to let go.

He’s love deprived.

The words flickered through her mind. She’d read about it somewhere. All this time, he thought it was about living up to his dad, but right now, in her arms, beneath the gruff tone of his words and the feel of his strong arms around her, she heard the pain of a child so visceral it made her eyes sting with tears.

All the signs were there. The feeling of emptiness that Luke had tried and failed to fill with women, addictions, or fame. When she’d first told him about the baby, she’d thought him emotionally detached, but as someone wise had once said, pouring from an empty cup is an impossible task. And the only time he really told her what he needed was when it came to sex. But the look on his face when she’d presented him with the details of the luxury car rental was like a kid on Christmas Day getting the gift he wanted most in the world. And then there were the ways he dwelled in nostalgia about his dad and how things had been. Because it was the last time he’d felt safe and loved and nurtured.

He’d apologised to his mom, but while the pain was gone, nothing had replaced it.

And suddenly, helping him became simple. She’d love him from the inside out, the top to the bottom, in small ways and big ways.

Yes. Love him.

But words wouldn’t mean shit.

Not right now.

She needed to show him.

“Come with me.” Taking his hand, she led him to the bathroom where she set the bath to run and filled it with one of her favourite oils.

Reaching for his belt, she looked him in the eye as she unbuckled it and slid it from the belt loops. “I can’t promise what is going to happen in the future. But I can promise you this. I’m here. So very much here. And I see you, Luke.”

Gently, she placed his belt over the door handle, before reaching for his T-shirt. Usually, he took charge, and usually she liked it. But for once, he needed someone to take care of him. She pulled it up over his head and he let her.

“I feel you,” she continued, stroking her fingertips down his abs, noticing the way the hairs on his arms stood on end. His breath caught when she reached the button on his jeans. Beneath the denim, she could feel him harden. “I hear you. And can taste you.” She pressed her lips to his chest, running her tongue over his nipple before drawing it into her mouth.

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