Page 38 of How Good It Was (Excess All Areas 3)

Alex shoved him away. “How fucking hard? Willow has all the worries you have, plus she has to grow a baby, in a strange country, with a guy saying he doesn’t really fucking want her or her kid. It fucking sucks growing up with a dad who doesn’t want you. You try to figure out how to change yourself, to bury who you are so you can live up to some unreachable expectations. You take up rugby, because it’s his favourite sport, but he never comes to your games. You get great fucking grades, but he doesn’t give a shit. You wear jeans and a hoodie so you can look the fucking same. But it doesn’t matter how you change yourself, he’s never going to want you, you selfish fuck.”

“Alex,” Luke said, his tone softening.

“Don’t fucking Alex me, this is about you. You’re building an unbearable future for your kid. You had a dad who loved the shit out of you. You need to love the shit out of yours. And the mum. No one is asking you to shotgun marry her. But make her your priority and your kid a priority in your life because all this ...” Alex gestured up and down Luke’s torso. “All this angst and fear and panic and shame doesn’t change that one iota. But you don’t ever want that kid to feel the way I do about my dad.”

Ben threw his arm over Alex’s shoulder, then whispered something into his ear that Luke couldn’t hear. Alex nodded, then gave his brother a weak smile.

Luke took a deep breath. “You’re right. I’ve been thinking about me, not my kid. I just don’t know how to get over the fact that the future I saw for myself just got blown to smithereens.”

“It’s not your kid’s fault. You and Willow did this.”

He thought about the baby. A child. His child.

And beneath all the emotions he felt, there was a flicker of something soft. Something that made him think of his dad. The kind of father he’d been, and he wondered if he had it in him to follow in those footsteps.

And what it would do to his soul to form any kind of real connection with Willow and Cletus before they left him for good. Just like everyone else. His mum. His dad. Even fucking Matt, now Jase was properly back in his life.

“You’re right.”

“You’re giving that baby a job before it gets here,” Alex said. “Its job is to not disrupt your life. It’ll never be able to do that. You’re setting it up for failure. Just love the little one. That’s all it wants, Luke. Everything else, money, opportunities, access, the country it lives in ... it’s all a bonus. But what they need to know is that both parents love them.”

The words were important, but it was the look in Alex’s eyes, the one that showed all the hurt he’d suffered at the hands of his father, that hit Luke hardest.

Matt put his arm over Luke’s shoulder. “If we start with that. That Cletus needs to know you love him; how do you get there from here? And what can we do to help?”

Luke walked over to the wall by the radiator and lowered himself to the floor. He was suddenly chilled to the bone.

When he looked up, his friends had followed suit. “What do I do?”

Ben tapped the floor twice. “I think you have to separate things. You can’t cling on to things you know you can’t have.” The tone of his voice said it was personal.

“Chaya?” Luke asked.

Ben shook his head. “We’re talking about you. Plan A didn’t work out. Maybe plan B didn’t, either. But pick a letter and build a new plan.”

Alex shoulder-checked his brother. “Go speak to someone, Luke. A professional. Get help figuring out what’s going on.”

Luke studied the floor. The very idea of doing that made him feel ill. He didn’t need some overpaid mind monkey ferreting around in his head. Even sharing with the guys felt like too much.

“Think about what was good about your childhood. What bits of it do you want your kid to experience? Get excited about the good in this,” Matt said.

“You made a fucking life, mate,” Jase said, squeezing his shoulder. “It’s amazing. A fucking miracle.”

Luke looked up at him. “Sounds like you should have one.”

Cerys took that moment to pass the doorway, and Jase yelled, “Sunshine, did you hear that? Luke said we should have babies.”

She backed up and pointed at Jase. “Do not. Get. Baby fever.”

Jase shrugged. “Hey, I’m here for it all with you. You know that.”

Cerys grinned and disappeared.

“Fuck, I love that woman,” Jase blurted.

And perhaps therein was the problem. Perhaps he could have something more with Willow.

But he was sitting in his own way.

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