Page 19 of Paradise

My eyes go wide and my head shoots to the side to look at Levi. Luckily Gary isn’t facing us, because I’m sure my facial expression isn’t one I want him seeing. Levi shakes his head a little before tipping his chin toward Gary as if to saybe nice.

The caddies introduce themselves, and we’re all assigned a specific cart to grab the clubs we need to run the first hole of the course.

Gary goes first, while Levi and I stand back to watch. He hits the ball almost perfectly, impressing me once again, and when he turns around, he’s grinning a particular grin Logan makes when she’s done something she’s proud of. I laugh a little at that, then step up to make my shot.

The first half of the day goes like that. Gary makes a great shot, I follow him, and then Levi embarrasses himself. When we’ve reached the fifth hole, the beverage cart comes around and I thank God.

The server comes to take our order, and Gary asks for three beers without asking what we want. My lips tip down in appreciation at Levi, and he smiles like a little boy.

“Just don’t tell your mom.” Gary grins at me when the girl runs back to the cart to grab our beers.

I nod. “No worries there.”

I can tell Gary is making an effort, cracking little jokes here and there and cheering when I make my shots and stuff, but it doesn’t erase everything he’s done. I can’t just play golf with the guy and immediately forget he wronged the two most important women in my life.

I do appreciate it, though. The least he can do is suck up to me a little, right? It just feels almostfake.

Levi drinks his beer in about ten seconds, but Gary and I savor ours in the heat.

“Cheers,” he says, holding the neck of his beer bottle toward me.

I do the polite thing and tap mine against it.

We both take a drink, and when Levi steps up to make his shot, Gary turns to me.

“You know, Carson, I really do want to have a good relationship with you.”

“I know you do.” I nod without looking at him, pretending to focus on Levi lining up his shot.

“It took me a while to come to terms with everything that’s going on… But I want you to know that I’m okay with it,” Gary says, finally getting me to look at him.

“What are you referring to?”

“You and Logan,” he states, slipping a hand into the front pocket of his pants. “I’m sorry I was such a dick when we found out, and for everything that came after that.”

I think over his words for a second, take a drink from my beer, then clear my throat. “You know, the closer I’ve gotten to Logan, the more I’ve really wanted to know why you lied to her for so long… How can you treat someone so amazing, so poorly? Your own flesh and blood?”

Gary nods, swallowing roughly. “I went about it all the wrong way. Logan’s mother and I thought it was better for her to grow up in a household with both parents, so we kept our problems from her—lived secret lives for a really long time, and then when Maryann died… I needed to live forme.”

“So you continue to lie to her? And then to my mom?” I question, feeling my face heating.

“I told you”—Gary licks his lips, clearly uncomfortable—“I did it all wrong. I made mistakes.

“Yeah, you did.” I take another drink of my beer, so I have something to do with my hands besides knocking him out.

“But I learned, Carson. And I’ll continue to learn every day I have on this earth, because without change, a mistake is just that, a mistake. A fuck up. And that isn’t who I want to be. I want to be someone that can learn from my shit and be a better man from it.”

Levi has long hit his ball, but he hasn’t returned to join us. He’s just standing on the other side of the hole waiting, pretending he’s doing something.

“I get that,” I say, genuinely meaning it. “That’s the man I’m trying to be too. If I was only as big as my fuck-ups, I would never be the person that deserves Logan. She is worth so much more than that, and at the end of the day, I want to deserve her.”

Gary smiles. “You really love her.”

I nod, feeling my chest go tight. “More than anything.”

He puts a hand on my shoulder. “So can we start over? For Logan and for your mom? Because the way you feel about Logan—I feel that about your mom. I would do anything to make her happy.”

His words make something shift inside of me, and I start to think about the love that Logan and I have grown… And then I think about my mom sharing that same type of love with him. That thought makes me realize I’m kind of being a dick.

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