Page 7 of Finding Fate

The nurse removes a section of the bed as I press my heels into the stirrups and then positions my bottom at the edge. I grow nervous. Too many people are flitting around the room in different colored scrubs—none of which are my doctor. I want my doctor. I’m so exposed.

I clench the handrails at each side of me, the tape holding the IV in stretching as my skin tightens. One hand on my knee, the nurse places a glove-covered hand between my legs to check me. “We’re ready.”

“I’m scared. I want Maddox.”

Or a friend,I’d add at this point. I haven’t seen anyone from school since before summer. Instead of starting back in August, my dad pulled me out to ‘study abroad’ in Greece, where my family lives, when really, I’ve been stuck at home with private tutors to hide what I’ve done. I have to erase the evidence before I’m allowed back at school.

The nurse softens her gaze. She’s probably in her forties. “It’s okay, honey. I’ll coach you through it. Grab the back of your legs and pull back.” I do as she says as she continues. “When I tell you to, I’m going to count, and on three I want you to put your chin into your chest, bear down, and push like you’re trying to poop.”

My heart is racing. “Okay.”

She looks at the monitor. “Here we go. One, two, and push.”

I follow instructions as best as I can, teeth clenched, tired, and ready to breathe by the time she tells me to relax. “Good job. We’re going to do that every time until I can see the head and then the doctor will step in.” She looks at the screen again. “One, two, and push.”

For thirty minutes this is a repetitive cycle. My head hits the pillow each time I relax, fatigue setting in and wearing me down. Sweat is layering my forehead. I feel so alone. I have no one. Because of the circumstances my dad didn’t come in. After this I’ll have nothing left to lose. Every part of Maddox will be gone. Part of me just wants it over with so I can figure out how to pick up the pieces of my heart and try to make the best of it.

The doctor finally walks in, quickly dressing in protective clothing, and takes the nurse’s place. “Give me a couple good ones, sweetie, and you’ll be done.” When prompted at the beginning of a contraction, I push, and on the second one, all I feel is relief, like a wedged cork finally pulling free. “Head is out. Give me one more.”

Before I realize what’s happening a tiny being is in her arm as she sucks stuff out of the nose and mouth and wipes whatever that white stuff is all over it. Seconds later the baby starts to cry and is on my chest. Despite it still looking kind of gross, I hug my arms around it to protect it. I can feel my heart growing rapidly with every second I hold the very thing I’ve felt move inside me for months.

I run my fingers through its wet hair, wondering if it’ll be dark blond or light brown when dry. It’s so tiny against me. We’re sharing warmth. Tears spill. I kiss its forehead. “I want to keep you.” Someone comes over to take the baby off of me. I clench tighter. “No, please. Give me more time.”

Her badge says she’s a nursery tech. She looks at me with pity. “We have to clean the baby and wrap it up.” She lowers her voice. “But I can bring it back for a few minutes after before I take it.”

I loosen my hold, letting her take my baby, but my eyes never leave the entire time he’s being cleaned, his feet printed, body measured, and dressed. Within fifteen minutes she brings him back over bundled in a blanket and hat and puts him cradled in my arms. He stares up at me from tiny gray eyes coated in some type of jelly. “Madden Leroy. You may not can have your daddy’s last name, but I made sure you got his middle and part of his first before I’d agree to any damn thing.”

I burst into tears. He’s not even crying. He’s just looking up at me as if hearing me talk is enough. I’m his mother. That should be enough. I look down at him. “I love you so much. I know you won’t remember, but I do. I want you with my whole heart.”

The door swings open and Dad walks in, already coming toward me. “That’s enough. I told you not to hold him. He has to go.”

I blink away tears. I need more time. I’m not ready. “No, Daddy, please. Let me keep him. I’ll do anything you want me to. I just want to keep him.”

“No. It’s done. You don’t have that luxury at fifteen. Give him to me. His parents are here.”

He reaches down for him, but I twist my body away. “I’m his parent! Maddox is his parent! No one else. I’m begging you to let me keep him. You sent Maddox away. I’ll keep him a secret. Just let him stay.”

“Gabrielle!” he snaps. “I warned you about getting attached. Hand him here or that Burns boy goes to jail. Test me if you think I won’t file the charges. I have plenty of proof.”

With one threat I’m a blubbering mess. Regardless of what I do he’s not going to let me keep my baby. That was the deal. I could carry it to term and deliver it instead of the first option he gave me, but I had to give it to a family that couldn’t have children. I have nowhere else to go and no way to give him a good life otherwise. My father wouldn’t allow it anyway, even if I tried. But if I don’t cooperate, he’ll hurt Maddox more; do more damage. I love him. Both of them. The only peace I have in giving away my son is that he won’t remember it. He will never have to live with the knowledge that his mother didn’t want him. Or that he was abandoned. He will know unconditional love. He will know a mom and a dad. He will have the life he deserves. He won’t even know I exist.

But I’ll remember everything.

I look at my son one more time, memorizing everything about him, and then I plant a goodbye kiss on his tiny little cheek. “Please,” I beg in a whisper, one more time, still hoping for a miracle, before he shoves his hands around the baby I’m holding and pries him out of my arms. I hold on, screaming and crying, until finally, he’s gone, handing my son to the tech halfway across the room to put him under the warming light and roll out of the room, making sure she leaves first by holding the door open. “I hate you! I’ll never forgive you for this.”

“One day you’ll understand,” is all he says, before exiting out of the room behind her, and I break, more than I ever have in my life to date. Didn’t cry this hard when my mom left, or even when Maddox was ripped away from me. This feels different, like someone cut a piece of my heart out of my chest with a dull blade and left just enough to keep it beating—alive but barely surviving. A part of me is missing, and now that it’s gone, I have no idea where to find it. He made sure of that. He chose the family that is going to raise my son. The only thing he gave me was the name—made it legal and everything so they can’t change it without voiding other parts too, like me signing away my rights. It’s a private adoption, which means my dad and his attorney can do whatever they want as long as a judge will sign off on it. All the couple wanted was the baby, so they agreed to let me name him. They got the better end of the deal, after all.

Me—I’ll never be the same.

Six

Konnor

Present . . .

My phone vibrates in my pocket as we pull into the garage at home. It’s only dusk, but the girls are acting tired, so we’ll probably just chill out tonight. Maddox wastes no time before barreling out of the Tahoe saying, “Don’t wait up. I’m going out with Kaysen,” before slamming the door shut and storming through the garage door.

“He’s really not okay, is he?” Presley asks. “He hasn’t spoken since we picked him up at his house. And he keeps wandering off to be alone. I’m getting a little worried. I’ve never seen Maddox even remotely close to this.”

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