Page 28 of Drawn To You

My brows folded, and a slight tremor of trepidation coursed through me. Sometimes it surprised me when I thought about everything heavy that was weighing on me. It was so easy to lose sight of the mess we were in when Joshua was in front of me. When he and I were alone, touching, looking into each other’s eyes, I lost sight of the issues and the reasons I should walk away. I was free for the first time in my entire life, and that seemed so scary at times because I knew I was all alone in a world so much bigger than I ever imagined, without anyone.

I feel like I’m navigating the world blindly, and I was pretty sure that when this thing I had going with Joshua inevitably crashed and burned I would be left thinking about everything good that I’d lost. I felt incredibly attached to Joshua, and I knew that all the freedom I felt with getting away from my family wouldn’t taste nearly as good because there was now something tying me to him. I hated that I felt tethered to someone, and I didn’t want to admit it when I was alone, but it didn’t matter because my thoughts always came back to him.

The memories that I’d pushed away, the violence in my childhood, and all the things I wanted to hide from, always came to me when I sat, mindlessly thinking. But things had shifted recently. I began thinking more and more about other things. Like Joshua. And that was when I realized that I was hiding my feelings for him, too. My throat began to throb even thinking about it. So much anger and resentment was buried beneath my thick layers, and a big part of me wanted to tell Joshua everything.

He didn’t know all of it. He didn’t know the real reason I was running, and lately, there was hardly anything holding me back from telling him. Except for fear. I was still afraid of Sterling finding me, and I was afraid of what he was capable of.

I trembled, feeling sick to my stomach just thinking about it. The feeling was brutal even if I had braced myself. I was back to feeling that overbearing emotional pain I wasn’t used to, and instead of letting it envelop me and allowing it to take me down in front of my friend.

“Everything is just so fucked up,” I muttered under my breath, annoyance flashing through me. Josh started coughing, and I whipped my head over to him. “Are you okay?” His face was red and he continued to choke. Royce suddenly reappeared with scale in hand and raised his eyebrows at us in question.

“I’m fine.” Josh laughed and sipped on his water before putting it down and looking over at me. “Abby. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say fuck.” My lips pursed. “When did I say that?” Royce laughed. “Like, five seconds ago. You said that everything was fucked up.” “Oh.” A breathy laugh came from me. “I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”

I pushed myself harder to hold a smile, as I looked over at Royce as he sat the scale on the table in front of Josh before grinning over at me. “You know what you need, Abby?” I half-rolled my eyes, knowing he was probably going to say something stupid. “You need to let loose this weekend.”

I was surprised at that and I felt my lips curl, “Letting loose this weekend sounds like a great idea,” I said, smiling at Josh and Royce.

Twenty Three

On a Fucking Raft!

Joshua walks out to my car looking as though he hasn’t slept all week. I’m not surprised, I haven’t slept either. It’s been a shit week. I’m so conflicted and torn over what to do. I unlock my doors and he gets in the passenger seat and throws his duffle bag into the back seat.

“Hey,” I let out a breathless sigh and he offers only a wordless nod in return. My heart rate kicks up a notch mostly because I’m aware of how, with the a/c rushing from the vents, the inside of my car suddenly smells like him. Keep it together. “So, what’s the plan?” I ask. “All I know is we need to set some ground rules,” His answer has my eyes rolling to the back of my head, thinking about Lainey’s suggestion again.

“This should be good,” I mumble under my breath. “We can’t let people know we are sleeping together, yet, right? That means it has to look like we really are just friends. You know how things work around here. If we aren’t believable, our friends are gonna call us on our shit. So, unless you want everyone all up your ass because the truth came out, we’ve got to be careful, Abby.”

A sudden flare of bitterness makes it impossible not to say the next thing that comes to mind. “I can’t believe you’ve got me agreeing to this fucked up arrangement.” Our eyes lock and within seconds of me speaking, I regret the words as I see the sad expression on Joshua’s face.

But whatever he’s thinking, it isn’t something he intends to share. I’m tempted to push him about it but decide to let it go. His gaze shifts out the windshield and down the street, “We should probably head out,” he says and I start to drive. Then he jumps right back into discussing these damn rules.

“We keep our hands to ourselves whenever anyone else is around.” I can’t help but roll my eyes at that. “Obviously. What else?” “Honestly that’s really it, I guess unless you want to add something to the list?” he questions. I flip through the list of things I probably should say right now but don’t speak a word of it. “Nope, we’re all clear.” “You sure?” I nod and Joshua’s gaze lingers a few seconds before he moves on. “OK. Then we are in agreement. We keep this under wraps for the time being.” he says and gently squeezes my thigh. “For what it’s worth Abby, I am sorry it has to be this way, but this is all I can offer.” I choose not to respond. Simply because I don’t even know what I would say if I wanted to.

* * *

Later that day we pull up to my parent’s house which happens to be right on the lake. We get out of the car and make our way to the front door when we hear someone call out, “Well, who do we have here?”

Joshua’s a half step behind me, most likely wondering who the crazy teenage girl is that just yelled at us as we crossed the yard. Kate, my youngest sister, isn’t exactly the first person I wanted him to meet, but it looks like that’s exactly what’s about to happen.

I’m one hundred percent positive that Kate will come up with a thousand different things to say to embarrass me while we are here this weekend. “Hang on a second!” Kate calls out again, and I’m tempted to ignore her. Only, I know there’s no point. It’s impossible to outrun her little nosy ass. I should know. I’ve been trying for most of my life now. “Brace yourself for impact,” I say under my breath, warning Joshua as casually as I could.

“Is that your sister?” he asks. “Yeah, so they keep telling me.” He stops beside me and slips both hands into his pockets. I pause to steal a quick glance, just long enough that his image will stay burned in my head for the rest of my life. He towers over me by more than half a foot and has this cocky stance that makes him seem untouchable. His powerful shoulders squared, chin jutting out in superiority as he stares down his nose at the entire world. Like he owns this Bitch.

Yep, there’s a phrase for this spectacle. It’s called‘big dick energy’and Joshua has it in spades. Standing side-by-side, we watch as my little sister Kate less than gracefully makes her way over to us.

Kate finally makes it over to us, looking Joshua up and down and I’d swear my little sister just eye-banged the shit out of my “friend”. She’s practically drooling over him, not unlike most other women do in his presence.

Rum clouded my judgment the night we first hooked up, but as soon as I sobered up I realized I was in way over my head. There was never going to be room in Joshua’s universe for someone like me, an ordinary, outspoken girl with the social graces of a potato.

I only wish I’d realized that before making a fool of myself, and letting myself fall for someone like him. Deep down I know that by the time he is done with me, he will have destroyed the hell out of whatever is left of my ego. Being coldly rejected by Joshua will only reinforce what I already think of myself after my parents left me behind; that I wasn’t good enough to fight for, that I didn’t matter.

Fuck, now I’m low-key pissed off and the evening’s just getting started. I shoot a frustrated glance toward Joshua from the corner of my eye. Despite my growing anger, I take note of his appearance again. Not so much his body this time, but his clothes. A black t-shirt rests over his board shorts, and both of his tattooed sleeves are on full display. His hair’s dark with a bit of length on top, and there’s nothing neat about it other than the meticulous taper of the shaven sides.

He looks hot and I know he didn’t bother trying. That’s just him, he’s always put together well. My sister’s eyes are still glued to Joshua, his face, the outline of his chest through his shirt, everything.

“You must be Abby’s new boyfriend,” she says, thinking that’s an appropriate way to greet a stranger, I guess. Joshua’s gracious about it, offering a polite laugh that lightens the moment. “Not boyfriend, but Abby’s friend. Nice to meet you.”

“Same. I’m Kate. Don’t believe anything Abby’s told you about me,” she teases. “You ready for this?” Kate asks Joshua with a grin. “Dinner with the fam is a big step. Even if you claim you are not her boyfriend. Although I say it’s sus that my sister kept you a secret until now.” Glancing toward me, and looking entirely too at ease Joshua smiles. “I didn’t have any plans and when Abby invited me to tag along this weekend, I thought why not,” he answers, making me flinch a little with his easy lie. Kate’s brow lifts with suspicion but decides to drop the topic, “Well, just be prepared to get grilled by everyone. Especially Dad.” She warns sporting an evil smirk, the brat.

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