Page 26 of Drawn To You

Frustration burned through me, and before I know it, I’m off my bed and pacing my room, but it was not enough. I need to move, need to get out of this room, I need to clear my mind before I spiral.

Following the sound of Lainey’s voice coming from the living room, I walk in to find her seated on the ground in front of the coffee table with nail polish out, painting her nails, and Lily stretched out on the couch watching Say Yes To The Dress on TV, ignoring whatever Lainey is rambling about.

I hear Lainey mention something about having a bonfire and my chest sinks as I remembered that Lainey was leaving to go camping with her on again off again boyfriend Joey and his family this week. So distracting myself by making plans with Lainey is out and I know that Lily has a date night planned with Josh so she’s out too. I could call Rain to see if she wants some company but she has been pretty busy with settling into the new apartment she moved into with her boyfriend and I didn’t want to intrude on them.

I briefly consider calling Joshua but hesitate. The intensity of my feelings for him scared me and the desperation I caught briefly in his eyes haunts me, but nothing hurts more than the way he walked away again. I don’t understand this pull between us. I don’t know what it is or how it even happened, but the thought of him walking away from me permanently … fuck, that stings.

All I want to do is throw myself at him and wrap myself around him, so I can feel his body heat against my skin as he tells me that everything is going to be okay. Eventually, we’re going to have to talk.

I stride over to the couch and drop down into the seat next to Lily. “Rumor has it that last night you disappeared from the party with a certain tall dark and broody guy we all know, care to elaborate?” I groan and lean my head back against the couch cushion, way too tired for this conversation after not getting enough sleep due to my nightmare. But knowing Lily, there was no way she was going to let me off the hook. “Ugh, it’s not that big of a deal. Joshua wanted to talk after what had happened between us is all.”

“Did he apologize for being a royal dickhead and completely ghosting you afterward, or mention if he has pulled his head out of his ass enough to finally leave his cheating wife? Or does he plan to stay with Mrs. Two-Face and just cheat on her too?” Lily questioned, clearly not happy with the situation.

“Look, I know you are angry on my behalf. But don’t forget who Joshua is, do you really think he is that kind of person?” I asked feeling a little on the defensive side. Lily let out a sigh. “I didn’t use to. But Abby, Joshua has been through a lot with Shannon, and sometimes when a person is hurt in the way Joshua has been it can make them a bit jaded and even bitter. I just don’t know what he is thinking right now and I don’t want to see you get hurt more than you already have. Lord knows you’ve been hurt enough by your own family, you don’t need anymore heartache.”

Letting out a heavy breath, I’m about to respond to her when my phone buzzes with an incoming text. I cringe seeing who it is, especially after my nightmare. It proves the Universe is out to get me because what are the fucking odds?

Sterling: We need to meet up and talk.

“Seriously, what the fuck?” I’m still in my head when I peer up at the sound of Lily and Lainey talking to me, but I still can’t believe my eyes. Then, once I accept that what I’m seeing isn’t just my imagination, I’m filled with unspeakable rage. Like, the kind of rage that makes you feel you could burn the world down.

Abby: I told you not to contact me again!

“Abby, relax! You look like you are having a panic attack!” Lily says, grabbing my attention. I’m out of my head, not even registering what she is saying. Because all I feel, all I see, is the darkness of my own anger. I’m out of breath and can feel beads of sweat at the nape of my neck. With each passing second, I know that Sterling can’t get to me, he doesn’t even know where I live, and that’s the reason I finally calm down and take a deep breath.

“I’m fine,” I snap, but my tone doesn’t rattle her. “And we’re gonna make sure you stay that way,” she says. “Shit! Are you sure you’re cool, Abby?” she asks, looking at me skeptically. “Because you look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

I don’t answer because I don’t want to lie to her. I’m far from ‘cool’, and I probably won’t be for a while. Not until I know for certain Sterling hasn’t figured out where to find me. I’ll have to talk to my Mom and see if anyone could have talked to him recently and mentioned where I’m living. No one in the family knows what he did to me when I was sixteen, so it’s not outside the realm of possibility.

Neither Lily nor Lainey have taken their eyes off me since they just witnessed my minor freak out. They are staring at me like I’m some caged animal at the zoo. Hell, that’s probably what I looked like a minute ago. “I’m OK,” I assure them again.

“So you say. But I’ve never seen you like that.” I fight the feeling of embarrassment that creeps in because there’s no place for it. Not here, not with two of my best friends.

Anywhere my friends are, it’s always a judgment-free zone. “Sorry, I… just got upset by the text I just got.” Understatement of the year. “Who was it from, is it from Joshua?” Lily asks. “I’m not trying to be nosy, I’m just worried about you. Not sure I’ve ever seen you freak out like that before.” My gaze lowers to my hands, but I don’t speak.

“So who was it, Abby?” One deep breath later, I’m able to say his name. “Sterling. My cousin… the one I grew up with.” Lily nods thoughtfully. “The Marine, right?” I meet her gaze again and don’t see a reason to lie. “Yeah, that one. He’s just sent me a few lame-ass texts and I don’t want to have any contact with him. They’re pretty easy to ignore, I just overreacted is all.”

They both seem to accept my answer, both assuming that I don’t want any contact with my cousin because I stopped talking to my Dad’s family due to how toxic they are because of their religious beliefs and the fact they they try to force a lot on me. They both know a little of what I went through at my Aunt’s house.

“Abby, you can’t just keep that to yourself. If your family is harassing you again,” Lily starts but I cut her off “I can handle it.” Her gaze locks with mine. I’ve fended for myself this long, and I don’t see the need to involve anyone in my problems now. “Fine, have it your way. If you want keep being a lone wolf, then be a lone wolf. But just know you don’t have to face this shit alone but you are choosing to not let anyone in. Remember it’s not because no one wants to have your back.” “I know that. I just like to work through things on my own.”

Even when I turn my face toward the TV screen, I feel her eyes on me. “It doesn’t always have to be that way, Abby,” The comment makes me think about letting them in. It’d be much easier that way if I didn’t have to carry all the extra shit by myself. “Talk to us,” she says softly. I breathe deep and turn toward the TV.

“Not sure why I’ve always been like this. I guess it started when my parents fucked me up and showed me how easy it is for people to leave, so I made up my mind at that moment that I don’t need anyone. If something goes wrong, I handle it on my own.”

They both studied me a moment and, as expected, there’s only compassion in their eyes. “Have you ever thought about talking to someone about it?” “Like a professional?” “Well, a therapist, a friend, or… even your parents?” My brow raises when she suggests that. “I wouldn’t know what to say to them about it. The last time we had it out, I think I was fourteen.” “It didn’t go well, I take it?” Thinking back, I shrug. “It wasn’t the worst conversation we’ve ever had. It was just, eye-opening.” “In what way?” I zone out, recalling the details.

I share the events of the day I got into it with my Dad, remembering how my heart had raced that afternoon. I don’t know what I was expecting to happen that day when I refused to go with them. But there was no way my parents would just let me go. No way they’d let me live away from them for so long. “So, what happened?” I come back to the present and finish the story. Bleak as it may be. “You both know I haven’t lived with my parents since. My dad was furious with me, fighting with me about going with them one minute and then he told me he was done with me and they just… left.” “Just like that?” “Just like that,” I answer with a nod.

They didn’t ever bother asking if you wanted to come home, late after things had cooled down?” “No, and despite all the love I had for them I was very angry at them for the shit they were dragging us through, but the fact that they just let me go. Like I was nothing.”Lily and Lainey are both quiet and I’m feeling exposed, raw. The feeling of abandonment, the feeling of being so easily dismissed, it consumes me sometimes.

“I hope you know your parents are the ones who fucked up. Not you.” Nodding, I let Lily know I hear her, but I don’t have anything else to say. “So, what about now? Have you ever thought about telling them how they made you feel? If only to finally get some closure?” she asks. “It might help you move on, it could be the key to helping you let go.” I breathe in a deep breath and I can’t even wrap my head around facing them now, as an adult. I can’t say how I’d handle them rejecting me again.

“I guess that’s something I’d have to think about. I wouldn’t even know what to say to them, though.” My eyes shift toward Lainey when she stands and joins us on the couch. She embraces me in a bear hug, and I feel her love for me with the gesture.

“I’m sorry your parent’s actions convinced you that you’re unimportant, and that you aren’t worthy of love.” I can feel tears starting to pool in the corners of my eyes and I blink them away, refusing to let them fall. “It’s simply not true, because you’re one of the most amazing human beings I’ve ever met, Abby. Hopefully, you realize that one day,” she says. “And you’re definitely loved, like a lot!”

I can no longer hold the tears back and I feel the dam break. It’s been so long since I’ve allowed myself to cry and feel all the bad shit, I’m always afraid of not being able to turn it off once I start, but there’s no use fighting it now. But then, as Lily squeezes me as tight as she can, I realize I don’t have to. If I break they are here to help me pick up the pieces. I have no idea how they did it without even bringing Sterling back up, but I’ve decided to ignore his miserable ass. He’s not worth risking all the work I’ve done to have peace in my life.

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