Page 38 of Drawn To You

Everything seemed to be at a standstill, and it put me on edge because I knew there was always calm right before the storm. It was often like that at my Aunts house. We’d have weeks of nothing but peace before someone would get antsy and say I was being disrespectful or they would make up some scenario or another about how I’d broken one of the rules, and then I’d be punished. I was so thankful I was able to move back to my grandparent’s house after my Dad’s side of the family had all moved to Utah, though staying with my Mom’s side of the family came with its own share of problems.

Anxiety crept down my arms as I picked up my pen and tried to focus on putting words on the pages for the hundredth time. This journal entry was one I didn’t want anyone to see, especially Joshua. Just as I was about to put pen to paper, I saw a shadow fall across the pages. My heart skipped, and a tiny smile crept onto my face. Joshua had been ignoring me, which hurt more than I’d like to admit, especially after our minor lapse in judgment the other night. But for a second I hoped it was him. I halted with my pen in hand and I turned slowly to see who was standing beside me, and my heart slammed against the walls of my chest.

I swallowed my trepidation down as I looked up. I just had this weird gut feeling come over me. Some basic instinct kicked in, that likely stemmed from all the years of fear and terror that someone was about to catch me doing something I would get in trouble for, gripped my core, but it suddenly disappeared when I saw Maddox standing there. “What are you doing here?” I breathed out in relief realizing it was just him. Maddox kept his phone in his hand and gave me a hard glance.

His blond hair was pushed away from his face, and I could see the wariness of his handsome features. Maddox paused in front of me, but I didn’t look up at him. I had known Maddox a long time but we weren’t really close. I had always been close to Josh because of Lily. The rest of the guys in our friend group were a little more evasive. They definitely didn’t wear their emotions on their sleeves, and they were professionals at keeping their faces unreadable, often replacing any truth or lie with a hard glare, which was why I was having such a hard time figuring out what was currently on Maddox’s mind.

“I’m worried about Joshua, he’s not eating and I don’t think he is sleeping. I don’t know what to do.” My head tilted questioningly. “Okay…” I trailed off because I had no idea what to say to that. “Did he send you here to tell me that?” I asked confused. He dismissed my question. “He’s at home, on a mission to drink himself to death. I’ve never seen him like this. Not even after Shannon or losing Josh.” My mouth gaped. “What happened?” I demanded to know, my earlier trepidation now back in full force. Maddox flicked an eyebrow up considering for a second before answering “His Dad passed two days ago.” He answered and it was like he dumped a bucket of ice water on top of my head.

“He had a stroke or something from what I could gather from Joshua in his current inebriated state.” My mind got held up on the “his Dad had a stroke” part, as if that was normal. But Maddox continued on past that, once again, dismissing it. “I was hoping you could help him somehow.”

“I don’t know if I am the person that can, he doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me.” I caught the sharp angle of Maddox’s jaw as he looked away. “You know that’s bullshit, Abby. He needs you right now. Don’t let whatever is going on between you two overshadow that! I’ve never seen him like this, and…” His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down with a harsh swallow. “And I’m fucking worried about him. I can’t get through to him. He has a lot going on and I’m afraid losing his Dad is what’s going to push him off the deep end.”

A little line of worry etched itself onto Maddox’s forehead, and it seemed to claw into my belly. I wasn’t sure how I could help Joshua, but for the first time ever, I could see actual concern on Maddox’s face. He wasn’t hiding how desperate he was feeling, and so I made up my mind. “OK, take me to him.”

* * *

The combined smell of weed and his spicy cologne crept under my nose, and a feeling of yearning flashed through me. Joshua’s new place was pretty good-sized, the lights were off when I walked in and the room was covered in darkness. I had tried knocking but when no one came to the door I had decided to let myself in. I was trying to let my eyes adjust to the dark room when actually I heard him before I saw him sitting in the corner with a half-empty bottle of Jack.

His strong arms resting on his knees. His dark head of hair looked like he hadn’t combed it in days, and with a single glance, I could see his jaw was unshaven. He looked like a mess and my belly bottomed out. He usually appeared so strong and capable. But right now he looked like a man defeated, and I felt myself moving closer. “Hey,” I whispered, dropping my bag by the door and walking a little closer to where he was sitting.

Joshua suddenly looked up, and I swallowed at the dead look in his usually vibrant eyes. He was so beautiful. So dark and dangerous with that constant air of authority surrounding him, but I knew, deep down, he had a strong heart that was desperate for something good. Lately, he had been trying hard to hide it, but I could still see it. He was right the other night; he didn’t need to know all of my little secrets to know who I really was, and I now realize that I didn’t need to know all of his to know who he really was.

“What are you doing here, Abby?” Joshua asked without even looking at me. “Maddox told me about your Dad. I’m so sorry Joshua. I know how much he meant to you.” Joshua huffed. “He shouldn’t have bothered you.” A silent moment passed between us before he moved to push off the arm of the chair and hauled himself up in one swift movement. I quickly took a step back, putting some distance between us. It wasn’t that I was afraid to be near him. But something felt different. My stomach tensed, and my heart pounded as he adjusted the low-riding grey sweatpants on his hips, and I couldn’t help the way my eyes traveled up and down the hard lines of his abdomen since he was currently shirtless.

With every smooth hard line and dip, my eyes lingered, remembering how tight he felt beneath me only a few days ago. He was beautiful. “Maddox has a big mouth,” Joshua gritted, standing in the same spot, unmoving. “He has no business talking to you about me.” My arms crossed over my chest as I quickly glanced back at the door, taking my eyes from his body so I could get a grip. God, I couldn’t stop staring.

“He said he’s worried about you. That’s the only reason he said anything to me.” His short laugh sounded hollow to my ears. “And what the hell does he expect you to do about that?”

I felt myself hesitate for a moment before I took a step closer to him, dismissing how he was shrugging past the matter. “Why aren’t you eating or sleeping, Joshua? Why are you sitting here alone in the dark getting wasted?” Joshua said nothing. Instead, he stared at the wall behind my head, refusing to look at me. I wanted his eyes on me so badly it hurt. I wanted to feel that surge of electricity that shot through me whenever we locked eyes on one another. I hadn’t felt it since I left him in that room a few nights ago and I was starved for it now.

I felt my lips form a hard line, still looking at his haunting expressionless face. He had darkened bags underneath his bloodshot eyes and the thick mass of his eyelashes appeared to be damp from crying, and that thought broke me and made me feel desperate to take all his pain away.

“You know,” I started, “I don’t usually sleep much myself. Never have, really. Not since I was a teenager.” There. Right there. I almost jumped when he flicked his gaze to mine. It was like I could feel the room freeze under his cool gaze. But it wasn’t necessarily cold. In fact, it was hot and reminded me of the icy burn I had felt as a kid that one time I stupidly jumped into the icy waters of the river behind our house in Springville in the dead of winter. “I have nightmares,” I said, ignoring the way the admission made me feel exposed. “I know,” he stated.

I felt my brows raise, the feeling of hopelessness whipped through me so quickly that I wanted to scream. How did we get to this? So much had happened between us in such a short amount of time. Joshua quickly put his back to me, gripping his neck tightly and showcasing every ripple of muscle along his shoulders and back.

“I just lost my Dad, Abby, why else do you think I can’t sleep? Why I’m sitting here in the dark, trying to drink myself into oblivion, it’s so I don’t have to feel this! That’s why I can’t sleep so why don’t you tell me why aren’t you sleeping?” I stepped closer to him, and I knew he could feel me behind him. We both looked out the sliding glass door that led into the backyard, nearly standing side by side now.

He didn’t look down at me, and I didn’t look up at him, too worried I’d break the connection between us. An overwhelming tenseness filled the dark room. “I never talked to my Dad about what was going on with Shannon and me. I was worried he would be disappointed in me for not being able to keep my family together and I never fucking talked to him and now I’ll never get the chance to. There are so many things left unsaid between us. I feel like everything in my life is spinning out of control and I can’t fix anything. It all haunts me when I close my eyes.” My hands dropped to my sides, inches away from his, and I was taken aback by what he’d just opened up and admitted.

“When my mother cheated on my Dad and they got divorced, I think I changed. I was barely a pre-teen, but I had seen and knew things that I wished I didn’t. So, when my Dad came home drunk and trashed the house, I knew that something bad had happened. My Mother was gone, and so were all my older siblings. They had already moved to places of their own by then, leaving me and my little brother all on our own with our parents.” Joshua sucked in a deep breath, and I knew it was hard for him to talk about this. I could hear the edge in his voice and it was like running a dull razor over my exposed skin.

“It was just me, Joey, sitting at the table, eating the dinner I had microwaved for us. The moment my Dad stepped through the door, I could see he was drunk and upset so I grabbed my brother and took him to his room. He was so young that he doesn’t remember, but I do. I remember it all. I remember the way his tiny little hands dug into my t-shirt. I remember hearing the blistering screams when my mother came home and saw what he had done to the house. I remember when the cops came to break up their yelling match and seeing them escort my Dad away in cuffs. I remember every last detail.” Our hands brushed and I felt moisture hit the backs of my eyes. I knew his parents had gotten divorced, but I had never asked about it.

“After that, my Dad moved out of the house and my Mom got custody of us…” Joshua paused for a few seconds before finishing. “At the time I was so angry at him for destroying our family. I didn’t talk to him for years. It wasn’t until Shannon got pregnant with Zander and she encouraged me to reach out to him that we reconnected. That’s one thing I guess I can thank Shannon for, reconnecting me with my Dad, even though I suspect her main reason for doing so was because she knew it would bother my Mom…It wasn’t until years later that I found out that my mother had had an affair and that’s what really caused the divorce. The fucked up thing is I took my mom’s side and shunned my Dad and he never even tried to explain his side and we never talked about it. It wasn’t until I went through the very same thing with Shannon that I understood what he must have gone through. I never got to say I was sorry. Or tell him how much I loved him.”

I wanted to cover my mouth so I wouldn’t sob out loud for him. There was a sharp pain embedding itself in the middle of my chest at the sound of his cracking voice, and although I’d wanted to see inside Joshua’s mind from the very beginning, it hurt to do so. “I don’t let myself think about that night very often. It was all such a blur. I remember Maddox and Josh came over the next day and they thought that I was in shock, but I wasn’t.” I felt Joshua move, and I was pretty sure he was looking down at me.

”I know that trauma often changes people, Abby. I think that’s why you and I are both the way that we are. That’s why we understand each other, why we feel a connection. We’ve both been touched by emotional trauma.” My hand started to shake when his finger intertwined with mine. It was such a relief to feel the heat of his touch against my skin. Joshua was a soothing balm and warmth and strength all wrapped up into one beautiful person, and with the slightest touch, I felt at home with him. He made me feel whole for the first time in my life. And that wasn’t something I thought I would ever feel.

“You asked me why I wasn’t sleeping.” My voice cracked as I felt a single tear roll down my cheek. “Yes.” “I’m starting to feel like I’m losing everyone I love most in the world and I can’t sleep because I’m afraid the second I shut my eyes, I will lose you or my boys too.” I quickly glanced up at him, seeing torment and insecurity written all over his features.

“I can’t lose you too.” He swallowed, gripping onto my hand harder and pulling me into his chest. His other hand caressed the side of my face gently, and the warmth settled deep within. “You scare the hell out of me because you are my weakness, Abigail Erickson, and if something were to happen to you too, like what happened to my father or Josh… " My bottom lip started to tremble as I looked up at him. Another tear slid down my cheek, and he quickly swiped it away with the pad of his thumb, the crease in between his brows growing deeper.

“I’ve been scared all my life.” It was the only thing I could think to say. “I know,” he whispered, pulling my head into his bare chest. My tears now spilling over the curves of his muscles. “Don’t worry. I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again.” I quickly pulled away from him, feeling my walls tumbling down at our feet. Joshua’s face grew serious as I finally let myself spill my secrets to him.

“I once told you I had a bad experience when I was younger.” His jaw clenched as his hands cupped my face, “Calling it a bad experience is the understatement of the century.’” I swallowed, letting it all come out in one whoosh. “When I was sixteen, my cousin Sterling was home on leave after coming back from doing a tour in Iraq. He came back from war different, hardened, and cold. It was like the light had been switched off in his eyes. He wasn’t the same person I had grown up with. We were close and I could tell he wasn’t okay. He asked me to drink with him and even though it was definitely against the rules to drink I let him talk me into it….anyways I got really drunk that night and started to feel sick so I went to lay down in my room. Only Sterling followed me into my room and laid down next to me. At first, I just thought he was just drunk and confused. But then he started to touch me.” I let out a choked sob before I continued.

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