Page 20 of Drawn To You

“So he almost kissed you and you “kind of” let him finger you on his couch?” “I don’t know if he was actually going to kiss me. It just felt like he was going to, and yes, I kind of sort of let him do that.” I whispered to Lily sitting across from me at our regular table at Java Co. “He didn’t kiss me, but he started to do other things.”

“He said that he can’t stop thinking about you and then got all up on you,” Lily shot back. “This is why I called you for coffee today!” I let a frustrated sigh out into the fresh morning air and ran my hand through my curly mess. “None of it makes sense, and I need you to make sense of it all for me. Tell me what to do.” “You don’t want me telling you what to do, babe.” “Why not?” “Because if the chemistry between you two is as explosive as you say it was last night, I’d tell you to go for it.” “Lily!” Even as I scolded her, a burning rushed across the back of my neck and up onto my cheeks. Hearing someone else voice the forbidden thoughts I had secluded in my mind was just too weird and made me feel like hiding my face and screaming. After last night though, I had to tell someone so I called Lily as soon as I got into my car.

“You and I both know that going for it isn’t even an option. Joshua is off-limits as much as a person can be.” “Yeah, but is he really though? We both know Shannon is cheating on him with that guy upstairs, what if they break up?” “That’s” I sighed loudly, dropping my face into my hands. “That’s not going to happen, and even if it did, he’d still be off-limits.” “What’s the standard waiting period for dating a recent divorcee?”

“I don’t know, and it also doesn’t matter. That’s not what this is about.” “Then what is it about?” “It’s about…” My thoughts stumbled, falling over each other to quickly think of a reason that wasn’t about wanting the go-ahead to date Joshua. That’s not what I wanted. It really wasn’t. Why bother wanting something that was in every way impossible?

“It’s about you helping me figure out how to… how to deal with Joshua after last night. It’s about you telling me if I should ignore him or confront him about what he said or pretend like last night never happened. Those are my three options. Help me pick one.”

Lily breathed out loudly, and I looked down at my running shoes. “Before I give my answer, can we play a game?” Confusion stalled my next sentence. “Sure?” “Okay, so put yourself back where you were last night with him,” Lily began, and an immediate regret pinched in my stomach. Already, I didn’t like where this was going. “You’re with him and he’s leaning in to kiss you just like he was last night except for this time, he doesn’t stop. He straight up kisses you. What would you have done?”

Flashes of last night ran through my head, and immediately, thoughts of Joshua overwhelmed me to the point I almost couldn’t breathe. He filled up every space inside my head, his eyes shining down at me, bright and blinding the line of right and wrong. His words hit my brain like a drug, hard and confusing. There was nothing else but his words running circles in my mind, round and round. I’d never forget those words. I couldn’t even hope to. “I don’t want to play this game,” I breathed, just the thought of him stealing all of my air. One falter, in letting myself think of last night, and already, I’m a panting mess. “Why not?” “I just don’t.”

“Because you know you might have kissed him back and don’t want to admit it?” she pressed. Yes. “No. I just think playing this game is avoiding the real issue, which is how I deal with Joshua going forward.” In the silent beats that ticked by between us, I could tell that Lily wanted more. She wanted to push me for an answer but thankfully knew me well enough not to. “Fine. So he was drunk and said a bunch of weird shit that he didn’t mean and what happened between you two was just a mistake and you pretend it never happened… “Or.” I couldn’t stomach thinking about the possibilities of ‘or.’ “Or you’re in a very sticky situation, babe.” Tell me about it. “And what do I do if it’s that? If it’s the… sticky situation.”

Even considering it made my stomach twist. “Then you’ve got to decide what you want.” Her voice softened, trying to comfort me. “You’ve got to decide if you need to go for it” “There’s no going for it with him.” I cut Lily off. “I just can’t.” Again, Lily paused, and I sucked down a nervous breath. You’d think the cooling weather outside would make me feel better, but somehow, sweat poured down the back of my neck. “Then all that’s left to do is to talk to him and see which situation you find yourself in,” she said eventually and with finality.

* * *

We left the coffee shop shortly after that with promises that I’d give her an update after I spoke to Joshua. Which meant that all I had to do now was… talk to Joshua. A task much easier said than done. I made my way home, needing to shower and get ready for the day and figure out what I wanted to say to Joshua. I decided I’d plan out what I would say and then give him a call. That plan went right out the window when I walked into my living room to see none other than Joshua standing there with his two best friends, Josh and Maddox. They must be visiting Lainey’s brother Tom who was also their friend.

“Hey Abby, what’s up?” Josh greeted me with his normal smile and a hug. “Oh nothing, just got back from hanging at Java Co with your Lady.” I smiled back at Josh. “I swear you girls would live in that coffee shop if they would let you.” Josh teased, the guys always liked to rag on us for how often we frequented our favorite spot.

“What’s up with that barista that works there? Is she single? I’m thinking about letting her take me home.” Maddox said as he gave me a quick hug and I laughed. This guy never stops. “I honestly don’t know what her deal is, sorry,” I answered before looking at Joshua. “Hey, Abigail. It’s good to see you again.” Joshua said so casually as if nothing happened between us last night.

Standing there in front of him, I knew I’d just been handed the perfect out. This was the best possible outcome for this entire mess, and I should be relieved. He didn’t want to address it. We could move on and I’d just have to put last night out of my mind just the same as he obviously had. Only why did that hurt so much?

So this is the game we’re going to play?

Not surprising, considering this was probably just as awkward for him as it was for me. I thought I was good at avoiding shit, but something told me Joshua here could teach me more than a few things. I simply stared at him, lost for words. Joshua urged me with his eyes to go with his ploy, and lucky for him, I had no desire to hash it all up with him at the moment. “Good to see you too, Joshua.” We nodded to each other casually, a load of crap and unsaid words between us. What I wouldn’t give to be privy to Joshua’s mind right now. At the present, I was forced to ease away from those thoughts.

“So what are you guys up to tonight?” I asked, trying to move the conversation along so I could find an opening to politely make my escape to my bedroom. “Just hanging out with Tom and having a few beers. Probably going to grill up some steaks later if you’re hungry. I’m going to see if Lily wants to head over in a bit, so you won’t be outnumbered if you decide to join us.” Josh offered and I smiled. “Um, yeah sounds good. I just have a few things to do first, but I’ll come out later when Lily and Lainey are both here.” I knew Lainey would be included as well considering this was her home and they were her friends too. “I’ll catch you guys later then,” I said and made my way to my room, and avoided making eye contact with Joshua as I did so.

* * *

The evening was filled with Joshua and me, our friends, and the giant elephant between us as Joshua pretended nothing had happened between him and me, once again, I let him. I understood the reason he did so.

Since I didn’t want to be another complication in his already complicated life, I readily endured the casual banter about work, school, and the like. Tension was thick between us, but I had to give it to Joshua, he rolled with the punches. He was his normal charming self and didn’t allow for a single break in the conversation, a social butterfly with his ready jokes and laughter. I spent most of the time just looking at him trying not to be too obvious about it. Damn, had this man gotten in my head, but with our friends around us, I wasn’t going to get to talk to him anytime soon. Not that Joshua would allow any of that. He kept the party going, the conversation flowing and avoided me like the plague.

He was casual about it, but as I was also completely aware of him, I knew exactly what he was doing. He conversed with his friends, his gaze jerking over to me every now and then. But he would quickly look away. I wouldn’t say I expected to have his eyes and attention on me the entire night… but I’d hoped for a little of it. Because I couldn’t keep my attention off of him. The fact we’d hooked up, even more, a given, as arrogant as that sounded. He’d been frequently in my mind, so yes. I expected the same to some degree.

Especially after that awkward-as-hell greeting between us earlier. I’d dashed out of the room rather quickly to save us from more awkwardness. Well, the way he was acting now it seemed he’d forgotten all about me. I was apparently his acquaintance and only that. Of course, I did catch those dusky brown eyes on occasion, but never longer than a glance my way before he was back to whatever he was doing.

Suddenly his behavior annoyed me, yes, but it made me equally sick to not have as much of his attention. What the hell, Abby? I knew these feelings were completely unreasonable, of course. Completely inappropriate, I knew, but we did have a history and, yeah, he was on my mind. Before my mind knew what my mouth was doing the words were out of my mouth.

“Joshua, before you go, don’t forget that I have Superman Returns in my room if you still want to borrow it?” His gaze jerked up and met mine. Well, after he realized I was speaking to him, actually speaking and not avoiding eye contact, he nodded at me. I’d been bad about that, trying not to look directly at him, which made it even worse. It annoyed me he’d been attempting to do the same. We didn’t clash a lot, not on either of our ends. God, I was a hypocrite. Amongst other things, ahomewrecker… well, not really. Joshua and Shannon’s marriage was a sham and could you really wreck a home that was already demolished? But that didn’t make this right.

But I was a liar if I said I wasn’t drawn to him like a moth to a flame. Joshua stood to walk over to me, resignation in his eyes. He knew what was coming. I didn’t allow Joshua’s gaze to stay on me long before I was standing and heading in the direction of my room under the guise of passing off a movie to him. I needed time to get to my room and get myself together. He knew where my room was like the rest of our friends since he had known Tom since high school and knew what room they rented out.

Tap. Tap. Tap.Like he was trying to be quiet, or maybe he was just hesitant. “Come in.” “You wanted to talk to me, Abby?” he asked and I gulped, all thoughts vanishing. “Um, yeah, come in and I’ll get the movie for you.” He lifted an eyebrow at that. “Really, Abby? Are you really going to try and tell me that you pulled me aside just to loan me a movie and not talk about what happened the other night?” He hadn’t been smart about it, but direct, and I didn’t miss how his throat tightened and worked a little. He may be aware I wanted to talk about what happened between us, but that didn’t mean it sat well with him.

“Um yeah, about that, what happened between us, I need to know how you are feeling about it I guess.” Perhaps, he noticed what I did there, turning the tables and topic in his direction. If he did, he didn’t call attention to it. “I don’t know how to answer that Abby. I just can’t right now.” he tried to explain his eyes pleading with me to understand and despite myself, I took his words like a punch to the gut. I simply nodded, too overwhelmed to speak. Don’t cry! Don’t cry! Oh shit, I was going to cry. I quickly turned away so he wouldn’t see but I wasn’t fast enough.

In a flash, Joshua was there and had me in his arms. “God, please don’t cry Abby. I can’t take it,” he said as he nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck. “I’m so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you. Please don’t cry, baby.” suddenly he was looking me in the eyes with his hands framing the sides of my face and his thumbs gently brushing away my tears. There was so much emotion in his eyes.

I faced him. “I’m not myself around you. I don’t trust who I am with you.” I whispered. “You don’t think I feel the same way?” he asked, angling himself in front of me. It wasn’t hard to do. He towered over me, an unyielding force of a muscled male body. His lips pinched tight. “You don’t think I am not myself around you, that I’m normally the kind of guy that messes around? That it’s not driving me fucking crazy being around you?” He forced his hand through his thick dark hair. “We should just try to be friends, I know I should stay away from you for your own good, but I’m a selfish bastard and I need you, Abby.”

“Friends?” I frowned, shaking my head. “Joshua, I cannot be friends with you. Like I said before, I don’t trust myself around you.” I squeezed my arms. “We’d be horrible friends.” Besides the sexual tension building more every moment, we are around each other, he was still legally married to another woman, and even if they had both emotionally checked out of the relationship, the fact remained they were currently still very much married.

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