Page 18 of Drawn To You

“Abby you spent the first hour you were here clutching your purse like you were worried you were going to have to flee from my house at any moment.” I felt my cheeks heating up with embarrassment at that. He was right. “Pass it to me,” I said and put my hand out to take the joint from him. “Abby you don’t have to smoke I’m not trying to pressure you…” “I know, but you’re right, I am always tense. Maybe I’ll like it.”

“Wait, you’ve never even tried it before? Didn’t you ever go to a high school party?” he asked. “Of course, I’ve gone to parties, I just never wanted to smoke, so I didn’t.” “Well if this is your first time you don’t want to take a big hit,” he warned as he handed me the joint. “You want to be gentle when popping your pot cherry.” he teased and I rolled my eyes.

Trying to heed his warning I took a baby puff on the joint and blew out. “Did you even hit that?” he questioned now officially laughing at me. Embarrassed, I handed it back. “This was a bad idea anyway.” I snapped. “Abby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh. Here, come here. Let me help you.” he said as he put a hand on my shoulder and pulled me closer. “What do you mean? How are you going to help me?” I questioned. Without even hesitating, Joshua wrapped his fingers around my wrist and guided me closer to him until we were facing each other now, chest to chest. We were not touching but I could feel the heat radiating off of him and it was seriously making it hard to concentrate.

I almost gasped out loud when I felt the pressure of one of his hands clamp down on my waist. “I’m going to shotgun the smoke to you,” he explained. “What’s that mean?” I asked, my heart thudding in my chest as I stared up at the man now holding me, alarm bells going off left and right in my head as he spoke with dominance flashing in his eyes. “Trust me. This will be easy. I’m going to inhale smoke and then you are going to open your mouth, and I’ll slowly blow the smoke into your mouth while you inhale the smoke at the same speed I am blowing it. Then hold your breath a few seconds and blow it out. It’s easy, you’ll see.”

Oh shit. I was working somewhere between scared, shocked, and regrettably aroused, so finding my next set of words was impossible. Joshua’s eyes dropped to my lips as they tried to form words, and the ability to talk abandoned me. There was a raise of his lips, and I could tell he was fighting off a smile as he watched me struggle. Lucky for me, he didn’t call me out on my inability to speak. He just raised his eyes to mine and squeezed his hand gripping my waist and said, “Ready?”

I nodded and he leaned in “Open your mouth, Abby,” he whispered just before taking a drag and he was so close now I could feel his hot minty breath on my lips just before I opened them for him and he gently blew the smoke into my mouth as I inhaled.

My heart ran wild in my chest and I swallowed hard, trying so damn hard to not think about his hand on my waist or his lips so close to mine. I closed my eyes and held my breath as he told me to. I kept them closed as I counted the seconds before opening them and blowing the smoke out. Being like this with Joshua had to be wrong, feeling like this about Joshua was even more wrong.

He smiled at me, our eyes latched onto one another’s in a connection that made the fire in my veins burn hotter by the second. I let my head fall, severing our fixed gazes in a lousy attempt to help myself.

I shouldn’t have let this happen. I should have said no when he suggested he help me. I was so stupid to let this happen. All frantic thoughts slammed back into the present when Joshua’s hand began to slowly move up along my back. It slid until his hold cupped my cheek, and I felt his thumb graze my bottom lip. An unintended cut of breath passed through my lips at the feeling, and I shut my eyes to try and forget how good it felt. “You did it.” he smiled at me, seeming just as caught up in this moment and just as at a loss as I was.

I shut my eyes, focusing on my breathing and losing the fight to get it under control. It was untamed and obvious in how affected I was by this interaction. Everything inside of me was trembling from my heart to my stomach. My heart tripped over its next beat as soft fingers touched the side of my neck, and the patch of his thumb brushed the edge of my jawline.

“Are you okay?” His voice was so much closer than before and somehow richer, too. I so badly did not want to open my eyes, but if I didn’t, I’d give myself and my inappropriate thoughts away in a flash. My eyes fluttered open and the sight that I was met with solidified everything I was feeling and fearing in one second flat.

Joshua was waiting for me with eyes that completely undid me. The ball of tension in my chest exploded, and my heart pulsed with a new rhythm. He was everything, and so was the way he was looking at me right now. He wasn’t even meaning to, but the intensity in his gaze strangled my resolve and squeezed until it broke and revealed the shameful lie underneath. He was my undoing that I saw coming and was terrified I would never come back from.

“Yeah,” I managed to lie. “Just ready for another drink and the next movie.” And then I peeled myself from him and walked away, back to the living room, hating myself more with every step.

Sixteen

Later That Night…

Abigail

A bite of nervous energy clenched my stomach as my phone vibrated next to me and with anxious fingers, I flipped my phone over to see the name on the screen.

Lily: How’s everything going?

Abigail: Fine

Lily: So they didn’t invite you over to have an orgy after all?

Abigail:OMG, Just NO!

“Hey, no texting during the movie.” Joshua teased. “Sorry,” I said and put the phone down. “Hot guy?” he teased but I could see that it was a serious question by the intense look in his eyes. “No, just Lily,” I explained.

We spent the next few hours watching movies and drinking until we were both pretty intoxicated. After we finished all the Super-Man movies Joshua suggested we watch Total Recall before calling it a night. He had already established that I was definitely crashing on the couch and I was too intoxicated to drive so I agreed, so staying up for one more movie didn’t seem like a big deal to me.

We went out for another smoke break before starting the movie. But when we went back inside Joshua chose to sit next to me on the couch instead of his earlier seat on the recliner. “I really appreciate you coming over tonight Abby. I know it must have been awkward for you to have Shannon ask you to keep me company. I didn’t know she was going to do that. I would have stopped her if I had known.” I must have cringed a little at that because he suddenly placed a hand on my thigh and hurriedly continued, “Not, because I didn’t want to hang out with you, no nothing like that.” he let out a sigh. “It’s just that this whole situation with Shannon is fucked up and I know that. My marriage is a fucking joke. I didn’t want you to be pulled into it and definitely didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.” he explained looking sad now.

Carefully, I asked. “Why do you put up with it if you are so unhappy?” The hurt overwhelming Joshua’s stare suddenly turned cold and hardened into a crystallized rage. As Joshua’s anger built, his grip around my thigh constricted as well. “You mean why do I stay with my wife who is blatantly cheating on me? Other than the fact that I am financially responsible for her and our two kids, and the thought of not being able to come home and see my kids at the end of every day kills me, I don’t fucking know anymore.” he laughed bitterly.

“Joshua,” I exhaled. “That’s a huge burden to put on yourself.” For as physically strong and sturdy as Joshua was, bearing the weight of his wife’s betrayal and the idea that he was solely in charge of financially taking care of Shannon and their two kids combined with the fear of not being with them. The weight of it was visible by the uncertainty flashing in his eyes, and all I wanted at that moment was to comfort him.

Watching Joshua battle with his painful memories and anger, I realized I was looking at a man who needed to be held. Before I could talk myself out of it, I closed the space between our bodies and hugged him close to me, and I held him as tightly as I dared to.

For a second, he didn’t respond. He didn’t return my hug at first, and his hesitation sent an explosion of embarrassment straight through me. His skin radiated heat against my palms and his spicy scent dominated my senses, but our one-sided hug was quickly turning rather awkward. Yet, just as I was about to pull away, his hand moved around my thigh. My heart pounded in my chest as his hand rose and his fingers tickled a gentle path across the side of my waist and then he hugged me back. His arms locked around the small of my back and as it turned out, there were still pockets of space between us, but Joshua put an end to that.

He pulled me against him so tightly, that it was hard to breathe. I felt his nose brush the crook of my neck, his hot breath washing across my skin as he buried his face against me. I fought the urge to sigh in contentment at the feeling of him so close. I knew it had to be my imagination, but it seemed like our bodies fit like a puzzle.

Suspended at this moment here with him, I looked up into his eyes and saw everything I was feeling reflected back at me in his. Before I realized what I was doing, I’d began to play with the back of his hair. I twirled it between my fingers, noting that as I did so, Joshua’s breathing drew softer and slower as he relaxed against me. This feeling, this moment, was perfectly imperfect, and I’d stay here as long as he would let me.

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