Page 13 of Drawn To You

How do I explain to someone that yes, I am uncomfortable talking about anything sexual; That I’d never had sex or even dated anyone because my only sexual experience to date had been against my will when I was sixteen and I was traumatized and terrified to even attempt to go there with anyone. How do I explain the devastating effect it had on my confidence? That I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. That I’m not good enough for someone physically and sexually. That I’m broken to the point that I go out of my way to avoid situations like this. That not only was I damaged from being abused as a kid but being sexually assaulted had been a fatal blow to my ego that had probably crippled it for good.

“Because…” I paused, the words seeming to get stuck on my tongue. “I had a bad experience.” was all I could manage to spit out in a whisper.

Joshua’s gaze sharpened on me for a moment before he nodded slowly as he absorbed that and I could see the concern and the questions lingering in his eyes before he seemed to decide that he shouldn’t push me any further on the subject. I couldn’t believe I was sharing this information with him, the totally inappropriate information that he had no business knowing, and yet, here I was, spilling my secrets to him. Any minute now, I was sure I’d see the pity in his eyes and I suddenly wanted to scream.

“Look, not everyone can be as happy as you all the time,” I continued, changing the focus from me to him and he let out a small, bitter-sounding chuckle, as he turned his head to the side, sending his gaze off. “You and I must have two different definitions of happiness.”

“What do you mean?” I asked and Joshua parted his lips to speak, but nothing came out. I watched as he took a deep breath, still keeping the look in his eyes to himself and the corner of darkness where he stared. “Nothing really. Just—” He stopped himself, pausing for several seconds and leaving me hanging in slow agony for his next words. “My relationship with my wife is strained. Things are not good at home.” His voice was so quiet.

Then we were both left to the silence between us. Me, looking at him and him, looking at nothing. I felt a strange intimacy in the way we were in that very moment—both of us opening ourselves up just enough to blur the lines of what was acceptable to say. Both of us would surely bluster if anyone else was listening to our conversation, but it felt nice to have someone to talk to who wasn’t giving me pity for what had happened to me, someone who seemed to see me as more than just a victim. Sure, he didn’t know the details of what had happened to me, but I could tell he understood enough to know he didn’t have the right to pry. It was my story to share or not. Just as what he had shared with me about his strained marriage was his to share or not.

Eleven

Sweater Thief

Abigail

Over the next few months, I noticed Joshua started making more and more appearances at events with our friends. I didn’t see much of either Shannon or Robert again. But according to what I had heard from Josh they chose to spend their free time separately and apparently had some sort of arrangement where they switched off weekends and one of them would stay home with the kids while the other went out. I thought the whole thing rather odd but who was I to judge?

“Just hang in there a few more seconds and…. Done.” Lainey said as she finished my makeup for me as we got ready for the party we were attending later that night.

It was the same old shit, a different weekend. Royce was throwing another party and the girls had talked me into attending. Here I was, drink in hand that I had no real intentions of drinking. I actually didn’t care for drinking all that much and I wanted to get out of here early tonight so I needed to be sober enough to drive later.

I spotted Joshua alone on the bench swing in the backyard and all of my self-pity suddenly melted away when I noticed his downtrodden expression.

I really should not be alone with him.

“Oh. Sorry.” I moved to step backward preparing to make a quick escape. “No, it’s okay. You don’t have to go.” I stopped backing away as I saw the sadness in his gaze and the bags under his eyes. I knew he wasn’t, but I asked anyway because it was the polite thing to do. “Are you okay?”

His eyes left mine as the last word slipped from my tongue, and I knew from that slight gesture that I was right. He wasn’t okay. “I assume you’ve heard the rumors? About my wife and our neighbor?” I didn’t know what to say to that so I remained silent.

“I’m sorry.” Joshua creased his forehead as his eyes swept back up to me. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable again.”

I froze. My brain struggled to come up with a logical answer. What do I say to something like that? “Um, I’m sorry, I know it must be hard to know everyone is talking about your personal business.” “Yeah.” Joshua paused, his expression turning thoughtful. “But what does that say about my personal life? If everyone is talking about your personal life then isn’t that a clear indicator that something is very wrong?”

I gave a tiny shrug, not knowing what to say, “Maybe, or maybe people are just bored and should mind their own business.” I said just wanting to comfort him any way I could. “Maybe.” “No. I think in this case something is very wrong.” A line of worry snagged through Joshua’s brow and I found myself wanting to reach out and smooth it.

My heart went out to him. It really did. Stepping a little closer to him, I caught his eye. “I used to love how strong-willed Shannon is, she’s always been a fighter, and I knew that going in. I wouldn’t want to change that for anything in the world.” I could feel there was an unspoken ‘but’ attached to the rest of his sentence, but he left it alone. Probably for the best, too. Then, Joshua sighed and dropped his chin into the up-turned palm of his hands.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be talking about this with you.” “It’s okay. People tell me I’m a great listener.” My lips tried to raise in a smile, but the look Joshua gave me as his eyes made contact with mine made it very hard to move a single muscle. “That’s hard to find these days.” Every look offered to me by this man either overwhelmed me or shamed me in the way it made me feel, and I’d had about as much of it as I could take, so I changed the subject.

It’s a nice night tonight,” I said for lack of being able to come up with anything better. He smiled at me. “Yeah but it’s a bit chilly if you ask me,” he responded with a shrug. I looked him over and took in his appearance. He was just wearing jeans and a tee shirt. “You wouldn’t be so cold if you were wearing a sweater.” I teased.

“I would be wearing a sweater but Lily borrowed mine the last time Josh and she came over for dinner, and then she left with it and hasn’t returned it yet.” I laughed at that, knowing that was totally something Lily would do. “You should ask her to return it, I’m sure she will give it back to you,” I responded.

“That’s the thing, I have asked her repeatably and she keeps forgetting to bring it.” “I’m sorry! That sucks.” “Why are you sorry?” he asked with a tilt of his head, and a focused curiosity in his eyes. “You do that a lot. Do you know that?” I blinked at him, lips parting to say something excusing back, but nothing came out. Was he right?

“I… I guess it’s just something I picked up from being with my family. It’s just easier to apologize than to fight with them.” I shrugged. “Well, you definitely give out more of a lover, not a fighter vibe.” I let out a sigh and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “I don’t know, I’ve always been that way, I guess. I hate confrontation.”

Eyeing me with an inquiring look in his eye, Joshua spoke. “Sounds like your family took advantage of that. You’re too nice, and people will exploit that” “Yeah.” trying to think of some clever response and coming up short. “OK, enough about me and more about literally anything else.” I forced a breath of laughter, trying hard to break the tension talking about my family had brought up.

“But I like getting to know more about you. Aside from a few obvious things, you’re a pretty closed book.” I couldn’t help the shrug that came or the way I kept nervously tapping my foot. “That, or I’m just a boring read.” At that, a gentle thoughtfulness settled in Joshua’s gaze. “Something tells me that that’s just not true. Let’s start with an easy question, what’s your favorite ice cream?” “If we’re just talking ice cream then Butter Pecan, but I really love those Strawberry Shortcake ice cream bars.” He smiled at that. “Me too.”

“Hey, there you are,” Lily greeted, as she and Josh made their way to us, their arrival effectively putting an end to our conversation. After a bit of small talk between us, I excused myself so I could run out to my car and fetch the plain black hoodie I kept for emergencies. When I got back, I tossed the hoodie to Joshua. He caught it and raised a questioning eyebrow at me. “I always have an extra in my car just in case.” I simply explained. After a moment he put it on and smiled at me. “Thank you.”

We all sat comfortably together in the backyard, just talking and laughing for the next few hours or so. On more than one occasion I caught Joshua stealing glances at me while I was trying to steal glances at him.

“I can’t wait to go home and crawl into bed. I’m so tired,” I said with a laugh. “Oh, I know that feeling,” Lily said. “I should probably get going soon.” “Yeah, us too.” Josh chimed in before turning to Joshua and asking, “How you getting home Dude, Doesn’t Shannon have your car tonight?”

---