Page 68 of Sunset

She hasn’t seen me, because I’ve been spending so much time with Brynn. Because I’ve been spending time with Brynn, there were no more nightly talks, when I get home, no more dinners, or breakfasts.

“I’m sorry, Mom. I will come home more, I promise.” I tell her.

“Oh posh, I’m so happy you and Brynn are together. Just bring her over to dinner more. Gives me another reason to cook!”

I nod, but don’t say anything. I can’t talk, because of the lump in my throat. My mind works on autopilot, as I help Mom set the table and bring the food over. She talks about the girls at church, but I don’t hear any of it.

It feels like my heart is being ripped out. I’m missing my dad so much right now, and knowing Brynn went through this, and I wasn’t here for her, is killing me. How the hell was she ever able to forgive me? I can’t forgive myself.

“So, I was thinking, why don’t we take a picnic to the arch rock. It was your dad and my favorite date spot. We can have lunch there, and then visit him, and you can still get back to The Inn for the dinner rush. Will that work?” Mom asks.

“Yeah.” I croak out.

Mom looks at me and purses her lips, before she starts talking about town gossip again.

“Hey, Mom. I’m going to go for a walk,” I tell her, after dinner.

“Thank you for coming over for dinner.” She hugs me.

“I’ll be back.” I try to smile.

I make my way to the graveyard, wanting to be close to my dad. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year. In a way, it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. So much has happened, that in other ways, it’s hard to believe it’s only been a year.

He’d be so happy Brynn and I are working things out. He always thought of her as a daughter. I know he looked after her once I left. Thinking back to that time and knowing a fraction of what she went through, I can’t imagine having lost both parents at the same time.

Damnit, I should have been there for her. I have thought about it before, and even said the words, but the emotion behind them has never been this strong. My eyes mist over, as I walk through the graveyard gates.

I make my way over to the side, and at the last minute, change direction and head to Brynn’s parents’ graves.

This is the first time I’ve visited, since the funeral. I kneel down and place a hand on the shared tombstone.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for her, like I should have been. She needed me, and I failed her. I failed you. After everything you guys did for me, I failed you. I hope you can forgive me. She seems to have forgiven me, but I have no idea how.” I say, as my tears fall.

I bend my head towards the ground and take a few deep breaths, hoping they understand everything I can’t seem to say.

“Jasper.” I hear what I swear sounds like my dad’s voice.

I look up and see no one around me. The sun is starting to set, but even in the shadows, I don’t see anyone. When I look back down at the ground, I hear it again.

“Jasper.” It’s almost like a whisper.

Jerking my head up, I look around, but still see no one. I lean in and kiss Brynn’s parents’ tombstone, and then head over to my dad’s grave.

The air feels colder here, but as odd as it is, I swear it feels like he’s standing there with me.

“We miss you every damn day, Dad. I can’t believe it’s been a year. I moved home, and then made things right with Brynn. By the grace of God, she’s forgiven me and given me a second chance. One I don’t deserve, and I realize that now more than ever. Mom is doing a lot better than I expected and seems to be enjoying her time at church and fueling the town gossip, as much as possible. I think she’s happy to have me home.”

I pause, trying to think of what to say, and of how to voice my emotions. “I will make you proud. That’s a promise I can make. I will take care of Mom, just like you would have. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to give you one last hug and tell you how much I loved you.”

Then, I break down and cry. I didn’t realize how much I hated that I wasn’t here to say goodbye and see him one last time, before he passed. I should have been. There was no reason for me to be in New York anymore. We both knew it, but he never pushed. He hinted, but never pushed.

When I finally get my emotions under control, I make my way back to my mom’s house, and on the way, I text Brynn.

Me: I’m going to stay at my mom’s tonight. Good night, Brynn.

Brynn: Everything okay?

Me: Yes. Just a long night. See you tomorrow.

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