Page 70 of Nine Years Gone

“Grazie.”

“What are you thanking me for? All I did was wreak havoc and cause you heartache.”

“I disagree with the way you handled everything, but now I have Lucio and Leandro. They’re everything to me. The love I feel from those two little guys is indescribable. The only other time my heart felt that happy was with you. You’re not their mother, but you sacrificed your life, your happiness, the love you felt for me so I could feel the love of being a father. It’s hard for me to accept how it all went down, that what you did was for me, but those two little boys make it difficult not to.”

Lena attempts a weak smile. Another tear leaks from her right eye, and I stop it with my thumb, wiping it away and kiss the wet spot it leaves.

“I’m sorry I stormed out of The Vault the way I did, for reacting exactly as Stefano did. I should’ve listened to you, let you explain, and tell me your story. I was furious, and I couldn’t control my temper. You told me that right after my mother’s death. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to hear what you said. Between my mother’s death and your reappearance, my head is spinning. It’s not a valid excuse, but it’s the truth. Thank you for coming here today and for forcing me to have this conversation. We needed this.”

“Well, thinking about it, it was probably a good thing you walked out. Did you see the dirty look the guy at the bar gave you when you raised your voice? Imagine if he saw me sobbing like I just was, he probably would’ve wanted to knock you out or something.” Lena attempts some humor, and I’m relieved to see her sense of humor still there underneath all the pain and heartache.

I lift my wrist to look at the time. I need to close out the lunch crew, but I am not ready for Lena to leave. We still have things to discuss. There are things I need to know, wrongs to make right. We need to make up for lost time.

“I’m sorry. I know you have things to do. I’ll go.”

“No. Well, yes, I need to close out the lunch crew upstairs, but we’re not done here.”

“We’re not?” Her eyes widen.

“Not even close. Will you have dinner with me tomorrow night?” She purses her lips and stares at me, her eyes crinkling in the corners. I can see the thoughts racing through her mind. “Lena, it’s not a difficult question to answer.”

“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.”

“Of course it is. Meet me tomorrow at Billy Tse’s, 6:30 p.m.”

A deep sigh escapes her. “All right, I’ll be there.”

I grasp Lena’s face and brush my lips to hers.

CHAPTER 23

On the Mend

MARIALENA

I LEAVE MASSIMO’S RESTAURANTand walk toward Post Office Square to sit in the park. I need to absorb everything that just happened. As I stroll down Franklin Street, I feel lighter. Our conversation was emotional and cathartic. I’ve kept it buried for so long it weighed me down. It’s what I needed to start healing from all the destruction I caused.

Massimo’s reaction at the Vault last week was unexpected and felt like a slap in the face. The way I left was pretty fucked up, so I get it. It’s not like I can blame him. If our roles were reversed, who knows how I would’ve reacted. Besides, his mother just passed away and he was already grieving.

I was worried about how he’d react to me for just showing up at his restaurant to demand we have a conversation, but it turns out it was the right move. I didn’t think he’d understand, but it seems he came around and even apologized to me. His apology was unexpected, but welcome. I’m glad he recognized his role in my decision. For the longest time, I blamed only myself, but with time I realized his behavior didn’t inspire confidence that he would accept me as I am—a woman who would never give him children.

Despite all the damage I caused, he was still the one comforting me, which shouldn’t surprise me. Looking back, he was always like that, and I don’t know why I didn’t see it when we were together. Part of me thinks that I should’ve told him the truth, that we would’ve dealt with whatever came because then we would’ve probably continued our relationship. But the other part of me knows that my inability to have kids would’ve been something that caused a rift between us, even if Massimo thinks it wouldn’t have. At this point, it doesn’t matter what any of us think.

Decisions were made, lives were disrupted, relationships were damaged, and none of it can be undone.

In the end, I am my own worst enemy because I would’ve been the one to always ask myself whether he resented me. I would’ve nitpicked at everything, created drama that likely didn’t exist. I would’ve looked for a hidden meaning in his words or actions, and it would’ve made me angry and bitter. I self-sabotaged because Stefano made me feel worthless, unloved, and broken. I never truly healed from it, and part of me believed Massimo was capable of the same. Of course, in hindsight, that’s ridiculous to think since Massimo is so different than Stefano. I had no business comparing the incomparable. This is what happens when I get in my own head.

I’m not sure where we go from here, but I know we’re on the mend after the conversation we just had. Hopefully, Massimo will forgive me for all the hurt I caused him. I still love him, part of me always will, and given our last few encounters, I think Massimo feels the same. Except there’s the mother of his children.

My heart aches at the mere thought of her and that she now gets to raise a family with the man I love. Thoughts of her cause jealousy to rear its ugly head. We haven’t talked about her, their relationship, and the absence of his wedding ring. Although he did tell me his heart has only ever felt happy with his kids and me. What does that mean? Is there hope for us? Tomorrow night I’ll have to ask him because I do not want to break up a family. I’ve already crossed too many lines with him without knowing his relationship status. I cannot be a part of that.

I find an empty bench to sit in the sun that finally made an appearance, look up toward the sky, and let the rays warm my face. There is a chill in the air, but it’s still early enough in October that the sun still warms when it’s unobstructed. I close my eyes and take deep breaths. I need to decompress and clear my head before I go back to the office. Otherwise, I won’t be able to get any work done, and right now, I need to focus. One of my clients has a removal hearing next week, and I’ve been reviewing the file and preparing the evidence to meet with him and prepare his testimony.

My phone vibrates in my purse, and when I find it in my pockabook, I see a text message from Massimo.

Massimo:Thank you for stopping by today. We needed it.

I stare at my phone. Yes, we needed it. I should’ve told him a long time ago. Who am I kidding? I probably should’ve never done it in the first place, but I can’t dwell on the past. I can only move forward. I think about the text I want to send back, how much I would like to say, but decide to keep it simple.

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