Page 53 of Nine Years Gone

“Whatever!” She rolls her eyes.

I stand back up and shift my eyes back to Lena, who noticed the exchange between Stella and me. Lena mouths, “I’m sorry,” and she looks away, starts talking to Luci again.

When Lena is standing before me, I wrap her in my arms, tightening them around her lower back. She tucks her arms around my torso, resting her hands below my shoulders.

I close my eyes, the storm within intensifying. My mother’s death, Lena’s absence and sudden reappearance, and the uncertainty of the unknown of what’s happening between us cause my chest to tighten.

“Hi,” I whisper into her ear. “You’re the one person I’ve been waiting to see all night. Thank you for being here.” I tighten my embrace, her coconut scent invading my senses, and a shudder runs through my body. I’ve missed her and holding her again like this is a stark reminder of how much.

“You’re welcome,” she whispers. “I’m truly sorry for your loss. I loved her too and feel terrible that I’ll never have the opportunity to apologize to her for what I did to you.” Her arms tighten around me.

Lena’s words sear me, and I don’t want to release her. “Thank you. Please don’t go,” I murmur into her ear. “Wait for all these people to leave. I want to talk for a bit.” She nods in response. As she’s stepping away from me, my eyes fall on Camila, who’s glaring at me from the back of the room.

About two years after Lena left, Camila came into one of my restaurants for dinner. She checked into a reservation for two and waited at the bar. I noticed her sitting alone all night and approached her, which is when I learned her plus one never showed. She had been stood up for a first date. I was intrigued that this beautiful woman had been left waiting without so much as a call.

That night I learned Camila is from Argentina. She speaks English with a thick accent, has long, brown hair and hazel eyes. We stayed at the bar until past midnight, long after I closed the restaurant. The night ended with me asking her out. It was the first time I asked a woman out since Lena ghosted because it was time for me to move on. Although I had stopped looking for her, I still hadn’t dated. I’d only casually hooked up with women when the opportunity presented itself.

Camila and I began dating and, after several months, became exclusive, even if thoughts of Lena always snaked their way into my life.

I wanted to forget Lena, wanted to not love her anymore, wanted to hate her for abandoning me. But the heart wants what it wants, and you can’t dictate who you love.

When Camila told me she was pregnant, I took it as a sign I had to move on. Initially, I was upset, more at myself than anything. How could I let this happen with a woman I wasn’t in love with? But I was thirty-seven and desperately wanted kids. If Camila was pregnant, I would be the child’s father. Despite not being in love with her, I had to do the right thing, and we moved in together.

I knew I would never love Camila like I had Lena, but love comes in different forms, and I thought our relationship was good enough to withstand my frailty. That being parents to our child would help love, in some form, flourish. I settled, thinking my mind was stronger than my heart. I tried to do the right thing for my kids, tried to keep my family together, but it was disastrous.

I now know I was doomed from the outset, destined to fail, and was a fool to think otherwise. I should’ve been honest with her and myself from the get-go.

Lena is sitting with Luci and Dom along the back wall when the last of the visitors exit. Before going to them, I stop where Camila is sitting with the boys, both fast asleep. I lift Lucio into my arms, Camila carries Leandro, and together we walk out to the car. I place Lucio in his booster seat and buckle him in. Camila is about to open the driver’s side door and asks, “Is that her?”

“Camila, don’t. Not now, please.”

“For once, can you please respond to my question?”

“Yes.”

“Why? Can you at least answer that?” she pleads.

“No. We’ve already had this conversation.”

She rolls her eyes, opens the door, and climbs into the Escalade. I close the door behind her and wait till she drives off before returning to the funeral home.

Lena was long gone from my everyday life, but she was very much a part of my relationship with Camila.

Four Months Earlier

“Camila, I’m moving out,” I say to her as I’m entering the kitchen.

“What? Why?”

“You know why.”

“Actually, I don’t. Why don’t you tell me? I deserve the truth.”

“We have our boys, and we’ll always be their parents, but that’s it. We’re not a couple anymore, we haven’t been intimate in months, and I spend my days working long hours to avoid coming home, so we don’t fight.” Camila’s eyes widen because she didn’t expect to hear those words, but the truth is inevitable. A truth I’ve avoided for too long.

“You know, you’ve always been distant, kept a part of yourself hidden away from me, and I never understood why,” she tells me.

“It doesn’t matter.”

---