Page 84 of A Return of the Wicked Earl (The Shadows 1)

“Then I can’t dothis.” Annalise waved her hand between them. “I can’t pretend like everything is all right in this marriage anymore. If you can’t trust me, then there is no point in us even feigning a relationship.”

Blake’s head shot up. “I do trust you.”

“Do you? Because ever since you’ve come back, you haven’t shared anything of worth with me. Is this how you trust me?” She looked away and noticed the leather journal. The same one with the list of suspects of his disappearance. She took it and held it up in her hand. “Is this how you trust me?” she repeated.

Blake raked his hand through his hair. “This is too complicated. And it has nothing to do with trust.”

“It has everything to do with trust, Blake. You say that you trust me with your life. But have you given me any reason to trustyou?”

“What the devil are you talking about?”

“I am talking about the promises you don’t keep. Y-you promise to be there for me forever, but you can’t even be bothered to appear by my bed in the morning after we spend the night! You say that it’s too difficult for you to tell me where you spent a year and a half of your life, but how about the last two days?”

“Pardon?”

Annalise let out a scoff. “That night, when you held me in your arms, you promised me you’d be there in the morning. Instead, you disappeared for days.”

“I had—Blast it, Annalise! I had business to attend to. I had issues to take care of. I was captured by bandits and went through hell as a result, and I need to find the people responsible!”

“And I am not saying you don’t have things to worry about. I just wish you’d share them with me. How am I to guess what you are up to all day? You keep saying no past, but I cannot ignore the past when the present is following the same pattern. I am sorry, but I cannot trust you. And without trust, what is left?”

Blake swallowed. “What about love?”

Annalise took a few deep breaths. “I do not think love is enough anymore.”

Blake blinked. “Just like that, you are willing to discard everything that happened between us in the past month because of the last two days?”

“No, Blake. Not just two days. Two years. The past does exist, no matter how much you try to pretend it doesn’t. You went back to being the sweet and considerate Blake for one minute, and you expect me to be the same gullible and naïve, starry-eyed Annalise. Well, she’s not here anymore. I’ve changed. I know you went through a lot after your disappearance, but so have I. And shouldn’t we at least try to share our experiences with each other?”

“You don’t want to know the details.”

“How in the world do you know what I want?” Annalise cried in desperation. “You have this twisted idea that you know what’s best for me, and you’re wrong. You’ve always been wrong. And the sad part is you can’t even see that. Getting back to what things were like before our marriage is not going to help. Because that courtship was just an illusion. It was comprised of-of these few magical moments that led me to believe I was in love with you when all along I never knew who you really were.” She paused and looked away. “I still don’t.”

Blake, who stood frozen, watching her all this time with a wide-eyed stare, expelled a frustrated breath. “Yes, you are right. I’ve failed in our relationship. I failed you. Twice in as many years. I want to be the husband you deserve, but for the life of me, I don’t know what that is. I wish you could just tell me what to do.” He turned to her then, such vulnerability in his eyes that her heart squeezed.

“I already did,” she said softly. “You just don’t seem to be listening.”

Blake raked his hands through his locks. “I want you, Annalise. I need you. I love you. And I’ll do whatever you ask of me.”

Annalise swallowed. Blake hadn’t said he loved her since the day he proposed. It was the first and the last time he ever said that to her. Before now.

“I see that you need me,” she said. “I do. But need is selfish. You’re asking everything of me without offering anything in return, and this is not love. Because love is never selfish.”

“No? Then how come you are the one being selfish now? How come you’re refusing to help me when I ask you to?”

“Because love is not destructive, either. And whatever this is between us, it is killing me. I cannot risk falling into the same trap twice. I’ve loved you before, and it brought me nothing but misery. I’d rather not go through that again.”

“So that’s it then? You are not even going to try?”

“Iwastrying. I was. I stayed with you during the past month, didn’t I? I went to balls and soirees and the theater with you. I played the perfect wife. I granted you access to my bedroom. I did everything you’ve asked of me.”

“And it’s been perfect, hasn’t it?”

“It has been perfect. A perfect courtship,” she said quietly. “But courtship was never our problem. Our problems started with our marriage. And as the time has shown, our marriage hasn’t changed either.”

“I changed.”

“Because of your disappearance. But what happens when your guilt and your trauma wears off? What happens when you get bored of me again? The mistrust, the secrecy is still all there at the core of our relationship. Which means once this period of courtship is over, we shall go back to the marriage we’ve had, and I can’t do that anymore. And I can’t expect you to get captured for two years every time to change your mind again.”

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