Page 41 of Pursuing Mr. Mattingly

Chapter Twelve

July 16, 1819

The more Sophia attempted to sleep, the more elusive that state grew. While the soft sound of rain rapped against the windows, she simply couldn’t escape into dreamland, so she lay in her bed beside her husband of a handful of days. While the sound of his even breathing brought her a modicum of calm, her swirling thoughts encouraged panic and fear. Since she’d married him, she no longer slept with a candle burning at the bedside, but now the deep, pressing absence of light bothered her more than it should.

Beyond the rain, no other sounds reached her ears. There was simply… nothing.

Is this what it will be like once I die? Will I even know?

Her chest tightened, and her heartbeat came a bit faster. It was so unfair that she would leave this life prematurely when there were truly horrible people out there who would enjoy their existence well into old age. At the last second, she tried to stifle a whimper, but it escaped anyway.

“Sophia?” Oliver’s voice was rough with sleep, but he rolled over to face her. “Are you well? Is your heart paining you?”

As always, the concern he showed toward her had the ability to steal her breath. That this man would change the entire course of his life for her, to make her last days easier and pleasant, had her gasping at the enormity of the sacrifice.

“As far as I know, all is well in that quarter.” In fact, for most of the time she’d been at Ettesmere Park as well as being distracted by Oliver, the pain around that organ had faded. She didn’t know if that was a symptom of the disease that plagued her. Did that mean it would attack without warning? “I am merely thinking of the future, the one I won’t have, and what it will be like once I’m dead.” Her voice broke on the last word, but there was no recalling the emotion.

“I’ve never claimed to be an expert in that, but I would imagine there will be great calm. Whether there is a heaven or not, I cannot attest to either. Yet all the suffering a person has known while alive will be over, and if it brings you comfort to think that you will again see loved ones who have gone before, there is no harm in that belief.”

What if what they’d been taught throughout their lives by going to church services whenever they go had been wrong? She had seen passages in the Bible for herself, but with so many ways to interpret that text, it often left her feeling more confused than ever.

I wish I could know with some accuracy what will happen, but then, no one I’ve known as come back from the grave to bear witness.

“Some people say that when they face death, a certain peace steals over them, but I suppose I am not one of them, for that is not what I’m feeling just now.”

“I won’t pretend to understand what you are going through, but I can be here for you and listen if you wish to talk until you can come to terms with it.”

She nodded even though it was too dark in the room for him to see the gesture. “I am growing panicked, quite frankly. As if I should spend every moment with my family, watch them sleep, sit with them while they eat or do mundane activities, but that is beyond silly. And would probably only bother them.”

“That is a natural response.” Bedclothes rustled as he situated himself closer. Seconds later, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her backside flush to his front. There was no sexual innuendo in the overture, only security and a deep sense of belonging. With him, like this, she was safe, as if he could defend her against all the ills of life that threatened her. It was something she adored about being married. “However, I think your family would more appreciate your presence when they are awake or perhaps not brushing their teeth.” A trace of humor clung to his words. “You can engage them in walks about the property. That would afford you the time you crave with them.”

She couldn’t help the shiver that went down her spine. “It is difficult, for I don’t know exactly when I shall cease to be.” Perhaps if she had a fixed date, finding calm in the face of death might go better.

Marginally.

“I wouldn’t wish to know. It would take some of the spontaneity from life and only put worry at the forefront of my mind.” When he nuzzled his lips into the curve of her neck, she sighed. “That would ruin the moments I had left.”

Perhaps he had the right of it.

For long moments, she remained quiet. “My grandparents died when I was a few years younger than Hannah is now. I don’t remember them much, and death certainly felt different back then than it does now.”

“Possibly because we didn’t know the depth or cost that death extracts.” He glided his fingers back and forth over her belly, leaving heated tingles in his wake. “Once we become aware of that, it is something we fear or cannot fathom.”

“There is some truth there. At least my death won’t be the first Hannah will experience.” That comforted her only slightly. “The poor girl has seen so many family members expire in her short life, I fear it’s forcing her into adulthood all too soon.”

“Perhaps it’s giving her a healthy respect for the living. She won’t grow into a spoiled young lady.”

Sophia snorted. “With you at the helm, I’m certain she will not.”

“I cannot help how I look at life.” His chuckle reverberated in her ear. “However, I do fear that since I’m an American, she might accumulate a skewed view of the English ton, of which she is a part, whether she wishes it or not.”

“That’s not a bad thing.” Sophia frowned into the darkness. “There are times when I fear the beau monde isn’t good for anyone’s wellbeing. There is too much pressure to make one into an image that doesn’t necessarily reflect the personal values they have.” She took one of his hands, brought it to her lips, and pressed a kiss to the back of it. There was something so right about sharing this time thusly with him.

As if she’d been waiting for exactly him to walk into her life.

“If a child is reared to have enough confidence in themselves, none of those views will be able to harm them.” He wriggled into a more comfortable position. “You have done that with Hannah already. She will turn London on its ear in short order.”

“If we are fortunate, yes.” Already, Oliver had silently been guiding her daughter. She’d been learning responsibility through caring for her kittens, and the fact the girl respected him enough to continue that spoke to the admiration they each had for the other. “I’m glad you formed a relationship with her from the outset.”

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