Page 53 of Resisting Fate (Hope Falls: Brewed Awakenings 3)

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Audrey sat on the couch,fire raging beside them, her legs curled beneath her, sipping on a glass of wine. Josh was on the far side of the large sectional couch and Thor was sleeping in between them.

After dinner she’d cleaned up while Josh went and showered since he’d been working in the garage all day. When he came out of the bathroom, he was wearing the sweats, but he’d put back on his T-shirt, which she was very disappointed about.

They’d played a couple games of cards and now they were watching This is 40.

She knew that time was slipping away from her, and she was never going to get another opportunity like this. She needed to seize the day. Or the night, in this case.

She shifted her position so she was facing Josh, took a deep breath, and summoned all of the boldness that she knew had to be somewhere in her DNA since Viv was her sister. “Are we going to talk about the kiss? Or what I told you after the motorcycle ride?”

Josh’s face was still staring straight ahead at the large flat screen television, but even from his profile she could see his expression tense. He blinked and then turned the television off and readjusted his position so he was looking at her. “Yeah. We should.”

The tone in his voice caused her stomach to drop like it did when Viv made her eat at a restaurant that was one-thousand feet above street level and had a glass bottom floor. It was not a happy tone. It was a let’s-get-this-over-with tone.

He lifted his hands and ran them through his hair. Strike two on how well this talk was going to go. If he was running his hands through his hair that meant he was stressed or frustrated, neither of which were good signs.

“I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this…I was just trying to figure things out in my own head first. I just don’t think…I don’t see how we could…”

She felt tears begin to form in her eyes. She should have known he wasn’t interested in her. She’s seen He’s Just Not That Into You fifty times. If a guy is interested, they tell you. They show you. They make it happen. They don’t friend zone you.

Embarrassment washed over her, and she stood up. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I’m just going to go to bed.” She was trying to keep it together as she rushed past him but he reached out and grabbed her wrist. It was the same thing he’d done after they went to Dining in the Dark.

“It’s not what you think. I’m not rejecting you…I just…even if we did decide that we wanted to be together, I don’t know if I actually could. Physically.”

“Oh,” Audrey was confused and her self-preservation was screaming at her to drop this and just go to bed. She was pretty sure she’d met her embarrassment quota for…her life in this one conversation. But still she heard herself continuing, “I thought you said that you were attracted to—"

“I am attracted to you. You have no idea how fucking attracted to you I am. It’s not that. It’s just. The last few times I’ve tried to be with someone, intimately, I haven’t been able to…perform. I don’t know if it’s mental or the medication I’m on.”

Audrey could see how difficult it was for Josh to talk about this. His shoulders were tense, and his jaw was tight. She could even see the vein on the side of his neck popping out. She suddenly felt like an asshole for pressing him on the subject.

“I’m sorry I said anything. Just forget—"

His hand tightened around her wrist. “I can’t forget it. Believe me, I’ve tried.” His lips twitched in a grin but then it fell, and his expression turned more serious. “I want you…so badly…” His voice was strained, and tension was rolling off of him in waves. “I just…I don’t want you to be disappointed or to ruin your first time.”

“Being with you could never disappoint me.” Audrey took a step toward him and lifted her free hand to his cheek. He tilted his head, so his face rested against her palm. “Besides, I don’t have anything to compare it to soooo…”

A smile spread on his face. “That’s true.”

She loved that they could still joke around even in this situation. She could always be herself with Josh and she hoped that he knew he could always be himself with her. She also hoped that no matter what did or didn’t happen tonight, that would never change.

His expression grew more serious as he asked, “How much experience do you have? Exactly?”

The raspiness in his deep voice spread through her like cream in hot coffee. She swallowed and felt her cheeks heat. Not from embarrassment, just from the subject matter they were discussing and the intensity in Josh’s stare.

“Um, well, I had a boyfriend in high school. You know about him. I’ve told you about him. The one that’s gay now. Or I guess he was gay then, too, but yeah him.” She took a breath as her heart beat wildly. She didn’t want to say or do anything that might change his mind. So she tried to calm down. “Anyway, I gave him a hand job once. At prom. He kept his eyes closed the entire time, which makes sense considering I wasn’t exactly his type.”

“That’s all that happened?” Josh asked.

“Um, yes and no. After he finished, he tried to…pleasure me but it just wasn’t working so I told him to stop.”

“But he touched you?” Josh’s voice was practically a growl.

Audrey nodded, loving the protective stare in his eyes. “It was over my underwear. He just sort of rubbed me, but it didn’t feel good so I just told him not to worry about it. That I was fine.”

“What about college?”

“I told you, I didn’t date anyone in college. I just… I don’t know…never wanted to.”

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