Page 101 of Merciless

Sylvia shook her head.

“What then? A little vacation with Madison? Shopping? Sightseeing?”

“No. I came to see you. To talk to you. But I’m not pressuring you into coming back. Although I wouldn’t mind if you decide to do it.”

“How is dad?” I asked trying to postpone the inevitable part of the conversation.

“Worried. Proud”, she smiled. “We didn’t think you could manage being here alone.”

“Of course you didn’t. Is there anything you ever thought I could do?”

“Yes. As a matter of fact, there is.”

“And what is that?” I asked with a snort.

“I thought you could forgive me.”

My eyes started burning. I turned my back on her. I couldn’t bear her seeing my tears. I waited for a second just to be sure my voice would sound normal and not like I was about to weep.

“Maybe that’s the one thing I would never be able to do,” I finally said.

“Maybe,” she agreed. “Can I tell you the story? About your birth? About your name?”

I hesitated.

“It’s fine if you’re not ready. But I want to tell you someday.”

I’d lie if I said that I wasn’t interested. And she seemed calm and in control. She wasn’t bitchy or snarky. So I turned to face her, and I nodded.

“I was so excited to get back to work. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, but I wanted to do something. Madison was six. Tyler was finally three. He was so unwary. Boys, you know. Maddie was jealous of the attention I had to pay to him, so she acted out. Your father was constantly working. I was so tired and so sick of it. The potty training, the baths, the tantrums. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Going back to work was a huge thing for me. And just when I thought I was done with all that baby raising and I could finally go back to being a normal human, we found out I was pregnant with you.”

Tears started filling up my eyes again, but I didn’t look away this time.

“Your father was so happy. He told everyone. Your grandparents, his colleagues. And I felt like my life was over. Like I would never be able to have what I wanted. I hated you. I’m sorry. I know it sounds awful. But I did. And I hated your father for wanting you. It was like you were more important to him than I was. We spent the nine months arguing, and I was in tears most of the time. Then I gave birth to you, and I felt so incredibly guilty. I couldn’t believe I had spent the previous months hating something so small and innocent. So I decided to name you Clementine. I’ve told you what it means. A lot of times. Merciful. I wanted you to have mercy on me and forgive me for all the months I spent hating you.”

I was sobbing by the window, not even trying to hide how upset I was.

“But it looked like you picked up on my feelings in those nine months. You were always crying. All day long. I couldn’t pacify you, no matter what. And then your father would come back home at the evenings and you would calm yourself down in his arms. It was messed up, and it probably was related to my depression, but I had the feeling that all the hatred I felt for you during my pregnancy was piled up inside you. I could swear you were punishing me. With the years, it became a vicious circle. I felt you were provoking me with every step, with every word. And I had the twisted need to control you because of it. I was a horrible mother to you. I wasn’t the best mother to Madison and Tyler, but I was a horrible one to you.”

Sylvia stopped talking for a few minutes. Probably to give me some time to calm down, and when I stopped crying, she continued.

“That’s the reason I named you Clementine. Not because I wanted to punish you or make you feel out of place. I named Tyler and Madison on a whim. I just liked those names. But I wanted yours to have a meaning. It’s selfish, I know. Wanting you to forgive me instead of giving you what I owed you as a mother.”

The door flung open, and Madison waltzed in.

“Hey, sorry I’m late. What did I miss?” she was smiling, but after one look at my no doubt red and swollen face, her smile dropped. “Are you okay?” she asked me and looked at mom with narrowed eyes.

I paused assessing my current state of mind. Then I nodded.

“I want to splash my face and then…girls’ night?”

Both Madison and Sylvia looked at me like I had a second head. I rolled my eyes.

“Nails or facials first?” I shouted on my way to the bathroom. “You decide.”

???

Two months later

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