Page 86 of The Lord I Once Loved

And I couldn’t wait around to see if he would ever change for good.

I turned quickly, leaving him staring after me. As I moved, I noticed the painting on the wall that he’d been staring at constantly. It was a large portrait of a woman with blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Without a doubt, I knew that it was Will’s mother.

For a brief moment, I found myself pondering why he would be so focused on a painting of her. He had kept staring at it, hadn’t he? And the look in his eyes… it could only be described as haunted.

I was suddenly reminded of the whispers about Will’s family I had heard months ago… the rumors about his parents being drunks, or worse…

But never mind that. I was already at the door.

And when I shut it behind me, it felt like I was shutting Will out of my life…

Possibly forever.

Chapter Sixteen

Will

Amelia’swordshadcutme like a knife.

At first, I had felt anger – a deep, searing anger at her rejection that had pulsed through my entire body, filling me with red hot rage. I had balled my hands into fists and turned my gaze towards the painting of my mother, directing my rage against her.

After all, she was supposed to have been my mother, wasn’t she? Instead, she and my father had abandoned me… they’d never taught me how to be a good man, and now I lived every day, harboring my mother’s secret. Sustaining her addiction, and therefore enabling her eventual death.

It wasn’t fair, was it?

Maybe… if it weren’t for my parents, I wouldn’t have become such a damned rake. I wouldn’t have become a drunk.

And maybe, I would have been deserving of Amelia’s love.

But my anger quickly dissipated and was replaced instead by a sorrowful acceptance.

I couldn’t blame my parents, no matter how neglectful they had been. I was a grown man, and the way that I lived my life, well… it was something I had chosen. It was a lifestyle I had sought out, despite it nearly destroying me, time and time again.

In many ways, I was just like my mother. Self-medicating myself into total destruction.

Before now, the effects of being a drunken rake had never really bothered me. I had enough wealth and status to weather the worst of my behavior. I mean, so what if White’s and Almacks and all of the ton wanted nothing to do with me? They could bugger off for all I cared.

But now, it was Amelia.

I had known that I was all wrong for her. I was a monster… a drunk with a dark family secret I had spent years concealing.

And yet, despite my best efforts, I had still fallen in love with her. It had taken me weeks to realize it, but I now knew it to be true beyond a doubt.

I was in love with Amelia.

And I could not have her… because of who I had let myself become.

“I could never love a drunken rake.”

Her words had stung like a thousand cuts. But she was right. The girl I loved, kind and honest Amelia,couldnever love the person I had become.

And neither could I.

It was a bitter realization, but it was something I had known, deep down in the back of my subconscious, for years. If I remained the way that I was, I would destroy myself. Somehow, Amelia’s words – however cruel they felt – had changed something inside me.

She was really all I wanted. What was the point of continuing if I couldn’t have her? There was no joy in endless drinking and partying. That was only a distraction.

My first reflex – as always – was to drink the pain away. But something stopped me. I remembered, days ago, how Amelia had pried the alcohol out of my hand in the library. How I’d woken up sober for the first time in years, all thanks to her kindness.

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