Page 81 of The Boy I Once Loved

“When you’re feeling up to it, I’ll wheel you up there and you can see him through the glass. It’s family only in his room, I’m afraid. His mum, dad and sister are all up there with him, they never left.”

I nod as I wipe my tears away. I'm relieved that he has them with him. As for me going up to see him, I can't face it. To see him with all those wires, like my brother. I can't do it. I'm too broken. I can't watch him leave me. My heart will fracture, and my soul will wander this earth tortured and alone. The best thing I can do for Dylan James is stay out of his life, no matter how much I love him. And I do love him. I love him with every breath in my body. I've fooled myself into believing that my feelings for Dylan had faded when I came back here, but in truth, they'd never left. Dylan James has owned my heart ever since that day when I was ten and I'd realised I was in love with my best friend. There has never been anyone else but him.

Mum and Uncle Matt return an hour later, and they are relieved to see me awake. The doctor comes and checks me over and he says I can be discharged home, but I need to rest. Connor promises me he’ll keep me updated on how Dylan is doing. He’s making slow but steady improvement, and the doctors are optimistic that he’s over the worse.

I’m silent in the car on the way home. My mum and Uncle Matt try to draw me into a conversation, but I just nod or shake my head and return my eyes to the passing scenery. I feel so broken inside. The anxiety I feel over almost losing Dylan consumes me as much as the anger over what Kyle and Heather did to my brother. Mum guides me up to my room and insists I get straight into bed. She fusses over me, fluffing up my cushion and tucking me in.

“I’m sorry, Mum,” I say as she fusses. “I’m sorry I was such a bitch when I came back home. I can see that you’re better and that you’re trying, and I’ve been horrible to you.”

My mum’s eyes fill with tears and she takes my hand in hers. “Oh, honey. It’s fine, you don’t owe me an apology. I checked out when your brother died, and I left you to deal with your grief alone. I will never forgive myself for not being there for you. You have every right to hate me and be angry.”

I shake my head and fight the tears pooling in my eyes. “No, I don’t, you lost your son too. I’m sorry and I love you.”

“Oh honey, I love you too, so much. When you were missing, I was frantic. We’ll be okay, we have each other.” She pulls me into her arms, and we embrace tightly. Liam wouldn’t want us to be fighting, he’d want us to be there for each other. “Now get some sleep and I’ll bring you up a cheese toastie for tea later.”

“Thanks, Mum.” I lie back in bed and close my eyes, letting my exhaustion pull me under. Maybe when I wake up again this will all just be a bad dream?

Connor rings my phone later when I’m sitting in bed watching a new series on Netflix. I look at my phone as it rings in my hand and I wait until it stops. It might be bad news, and I just can’t face it. My Uncle Matt comes up to check on me before he hits the sack. “How are you feeling?” he asks me, leaning against the door frame.

“I’m okay.”

Nodding, he comes into my room and he sits on the side of my bed. “I have to head back tomorrow, Ella. I’ve got a job on that I can’t put off.”

I know he can't stay here forever. This man had patched me up three years ago when I was broken and grief-stricken and he'd pulled me through it. "Can I come back and live with you again?"

He frowns and looks at me, confused. “What about your Mum? I thought the two of you were making progress?”

I nod and smile. “We are, but I just need to get away from here for a bit. Please, Uncle Matt. Being here, it’s suffocating. I feel like I can’t breathe.”

He pats my hand. “But what about your friends and college?”

“I just need a break from here. Just a week or two, please Uncle Matt.” I beg him. My eyes plead with him and whatever he must see it has him sighing and nodding.

“I’ll speak to your mum, but if she wants you here, then that’s the end of that, and it’s only for a week and then I’m bringing you home Ella. You belong here with your mum.”

I bob my head. A week is good. A week to recover and refocus. I just need some time away from all this.

As promised, Uncle Matt speaks to my mum, and she reluctantly agrees that I can go and stay with him for a week. We talk it through, and she tells me she understands that is hard for me coming back here. The next day I pack up a weekend bag with essentials. Connor has been lighting up my phone time and time again, but I’ve ignored his calls. It’s better this way. It’s better if I keep out of Dylan’s life from now on. My mum has been in regular contact with Dylan’s mum, and he woke up yesterday and was talking. Now I know that he’s going to be okay, I can leave him be. It’s for the best, no matter how much my heart aches for him.

I leave my bike in the garage and I place my bag in the back of Uncle Matt's Land Rover. I give my mum a hug. She cups my face in her hands, looking concerned.

“Honey, are you sure you don’t want to stay? Dylan’s awake. Don’t you want to see him before you leave?”

I step back and offer her a tight smile. “No. It’s better for him if stay away.”

“Honey, I-“

“I said no mum,” I snap, and then feel guilty when I see her face fall. I drop a kiss on her cheek. “I’m sorry I snapped. I’ll see you when I come home.”

She nods and with concern etched upon her weary face, she waves us off as we head down the street. A car comes careering up the street and I realise it’s Connor. He beeps his horn when he sees me in my Uncle’s car.

"Just drive on past," I tell my Uncle, but he ignores me, telling me Connor obviously needs to speak with me. Connor climbs out of his car and comes round to my door and pulls it open. He stares at me, looking exasperated.

“So, that’s it? You are just going to go and not even go and see him? He almost fucking died, Ella.”

I nod my head. “Yeah, he did, because of me. He’s better off without me in his life, Connor. I’m no good for him.”

Connor scoffs and shakes his head. "God, I am so sick of all this bullshit. I've stood on the side lines for years and watched you two pine for each other, neither one having the guts to tell the other how you feel. Jesus Ella, open your eyes and wake up. Dylan's been in love with you for years."

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