Page 4 of Making Time for Us

“You know it’s not that simple for me. Right now, I’m thinking about where this money should go and I’m not even on that list. The boys have sports that need to be paid for and the girls are going to start ballet in a couple of months.”

She steps in front of me and grabs both my hands in hers. “Ellie, stop. You’re not doing anything wrong by buying new clothes. You’re not selfish or neglectful, you are a member of your family that needs to be taken care of too.”

Oh, I really want to believe her… I want to believe that it’s okay to spend this money on myself, every other expense be damned, but I can’t shake the guilt no matter how much I try to convince myself. So many years of only doing for others has made it hard to feel like doing anything for myself is okay too.

Jess squeezes my hands again and forces my eyes to her. “Ellie, I know you’re about your kids. I love that about you so much, but this is your life too. You aren’t a bad mom for wanting something outside of them, even something as simple as new clothes. You are a woman and a motherat the same time. You don’t have to sacrifice one for the other, sweetie.”

Hoping no one catches the tears that have fallen without my permission, I quickly swipe them from my cheek. “What’s wrong with me, Jess? I’m crying over a T-shirt and leggings. This isn’t me.” I offer her a meek smile as I dry my cheeks again and stand a little straighter.

“It’s about more than some shirts and leggings, and that’s ok.” She pulls me in for a tight embrace and my body relaxes into hers.

I meet my glossy eyes in the mirror behind her, and the weight of this crossroads causes more silent tears to fall. I squeeze her tighter as my mind begins to drift again…

Without question, the best decision I’ve ever made is to become a mother. I willingly give myself to my children because I know each part they take from me helps to build a new part of them. I’m so grateful to be there for their every milestone, every stumble, every laugh, and every tear — theirs and mine — but I know it’s time I piece myself back together too. My old parts won’t fit anymore, how could they because I’m not the same woman I was before them. I know now I have to find new ones and that scares the hell out of me.

Ever since my fraternal twin daughters started kindergarten a few months ago, I’ve been questioning my role. My world shifted on its axis the day I dropped them off and came home to a completely quiet house. No one asking for snacks, no one bringing me a drawing to admire, no one needing me to help them at all. I looked around my empty house and started bawling.

I didn’t expect sadness where I thought would be joy. I’d already sent my two older boys off to school, and I had secretly been looking forward to the girls starting school too. I was looking forward tofinallybeing able to eat a meal in peace or finish a hot cup of coffee, but instead, I was a blubbering mess who couldn’t stop ugly crying.

With time, the tears finally dried, so I did what I had always planned to do when all my kids went off to school: nap. That’s right, nap. I told Marco in the months leading up to their first day that I planned to sleep every single day until I didn’t feel like sleeping anymore. After surviving the last eight years in utter exhaustion, I napped for hours the first two weeks. It was glorious.

When I no longer felt the need to sleep, I set out to knock out my mile-high to-do list that had been gathering tasks for years. It only took me a couple of weeks — crazy what a mom can accomplish quickly in a quiet house. It was a pleasant distraction because I felt purposeful and productive, until I was done. Then I was right back where I started, questioning my role as a kid-less stay-at-home mom.

I thought about going back to work, but with Marco’s schedule as a police officer, it was always the plan that I would focus on providing them stability he couldn’t and I'm happy we have been able to make it work. I am there for school drop-offs and pick-ups, extracurricular activities, to volunteer in their classrooms, and to spend all summer soaking in their childhood. Each year spent dedicated to them has reaffirmed what I’ve always known deep in my heart: my kids are my true purpose.

“Pretty mama.” Jess draws back to hold my eyes again and squeezes my shoulders as I so eloquently sniff. “You are such a selfless mother, always growing yourself in the ways they need you. I think you need to start growing yourself in ways you need you, too.”

My voice barely a whisper, I say, “I don’t know how…”

“You’ll figure it out. You’ve always been annoyingly strong and won’t let anything get in your way when you’re determined.” She rolls her eyes at me, and I smirk back at her.

She’s right. I know I am resilient, and growth is needed if I’m going to find my way back to me.

The thought makes me wonder if… can find my way back to being Marco’s wife too? I love my husband with everything I am, our love has only grown deeper over the years, but I’ve realized in these last few weeks that somewhere along the way, our relationship has become second-tier right along with my needs. It’s been years since we really put the time and energy into keeping the romance alive, and I really missus,too. Can we pull our relationship off the back burner and find out who we are together now too?

I wipe my tears again and I pull away from her hug, my body immediately missing the security of her comfort.

“Jess?” I ask, trying to steady my voice.

“Yeah?” Her head cocks to the side.

“What if I can’t find her again?”

“Impossible. She may look a little different than what you remember, but she’s there.” She squeezes my shoulders reassuringly again. “The Ellie I know is stubborn and fierce, and she goes after what she wants with her whole heart.” She releases me she points to my dressing room. “Now get back in there, I want to see the rest.”

After two hours, and what feels like four billion outfit changes, we head to the checkout. I was overwhelmed as I narrowed down the choices, but I’m happy with the staples I settled on.

“I’m excited for you!” Jess squeezes my arm as we enter the line.

“Thank you so much again for coming with me. I could not have done this without you.”

“I know you couldn’t have.” She winks and I laugh.

“Ever since you picked out my wedding dress ten minutes into my bridal shop appointment, I knew I couldn’t lose you as my shopping buddy for life.”

“Too bad you kept me on the bench all these years, buddy.” She bumps me with her elbow.

“I’ll try not to wait another twelve years this time,” I joke.

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