Page 38 of Forged in Steele

“Gee thanks.” She wrinkled her nose at him but quickly stopped. She already looked younger than thirty and that didn’t help make her look like an experienced deputy.

He averted his gaze. “I didn’t mean it like that. It was just small talk really.”

“You were right, though,” she said, trying to mend fences. “I’m tired and heading out in search of caffeine.”

He took a slight step back. “Do you mind if I join you? I could use some coffee too.”

Did she mind?

She did, but not in the way he meant it. She minded the way he’d crept into her brain each time during the day she’d taken a moment to clear her head. When she’d gone for a walk around the hospital to stretch her legs, being strategic to avoid reporters. Even when she’d checked in with her family, hoping for good news of any kind, but not hearing any.

So, yeah, she minded all right, but… “No problem.”

He charged for the door as if he expected her to change her mind and held it open for her.

“Our best bet is the cafeteria.” She eased past him, working hard not to touch him. “It’s a hike but I think it’s open twenty-four/seven.”

They started down the hall.

He looked at her. “We should talk about our past.”

Ah. Just the reason she didn’t want him to come along, but maybe if they cleared the air, he would stop troubling her in such an intense way. Still, she wanted to first give him an out in case he didn’t really want to have this conversation. “We don’t have to. At least not for me. It’s firmly in my past and no need to resurrect it.”

“Honestly?” He arched an eyebrow. “You’ve been giving me some looks since we’ve reconnected that say otherwise.”

Dang.She didn’t hide her emotions as well as she’d thought. “I didn’t mean to look at you in any way. In fact, not looking at you is preferable.”

“See, that tells me that we need to talk.”

She shot him a terse look. “Am I still angry at how you bailed? You bet I am. But I’ve forgiven you.”

“Forgiven me.” He slowed and looked at her. “Sounds like even after all this time you don’t think I made the right decision?”

She planted her hands on her hips. “Seriously? How could I approve of you encouraging me to fall for you only to decide one day out of the blue that your career was more important?”

“It wasn’t such an easy and out-of-the-blue decision.” His tone turned dark and heavy with emotion. “From day one I told you I’d enlisted and would report for duty the day after camp ended.”

“Yeah, sure.” She picked up speed as if walking faster would rid the emotions swirling in her gut. “You told me that, but you didn’teversay it meant we would go our separate ways.”

“But I never mentioned a future or planned for one with you.”

“It was implied.”

“Not on my part. I never wanted to lead you on and hurt you.”

She came to a stop and looked up at him. “Then you thought the whole time we were together that it was just a summer romance that would go nowhere?”

“Yes. I mean no.” He clamped his hand on the back of his neck. “It started out that way, but then I fell in love with you, and I had to work hard to walk away.”

She kept her focus pinned on him. “Then why did you?”

“Because the way I felt about you was all-consuming, and I was heading into a career where my every action counted. I was going into the Navy as an officer and men counted on me to do the right thing at all times. I’d never had a role like that, and I had to be sure I could fulfill it.”

“I actually understand that. It would be like joining the police force as a sergeant or lieutenant without knowing the jobs of those who report to you. I would want to focus too. But if I was in love with someone, I would take a break at most. Not bail.”

“Yeah.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and started walking again. “In hindsight that might’ve been the thing to do, but I couldn’t risk failing at marriage. If we continued down the same path, that was the way we were headed. My parents proved how detrimental failing at love can be, and I’m a married-for-life kind of guy. I don’t believe in divorce or do-overs, so if I ever get married, I have to get it right.”

If he was hoping she would understand, he might get his wish. His motives were clear, and as she walked, they sunk in and even made sense. But still, her heart stung over his betrayal. What soothed it just a bit was his declaration of the all-consuming feelings. She’d burned with the same feelings at the time, and it was good to know he hadn’t been faking those.

---