Page 83 of Chosen Road

For a moment, before I noticed her anxiety, I rejoiced. “This makes you nervous. Why?”

“What if they miss something, and I don’t check, and some poor kid suffers needlessly?” she whispered.

I touched my finger to her cheek. “It must be hard to not take that on.”

Her shoulders relaxed. “It is. It’s so hard, but I think there has to be a better solution. For everyone. I’m going to talk to Bill sometime this week. I just want to go in with a plan.”

“Good luck, beautiful. You’re smart, and resourceful, and experienced. If there’s someone who can figure out a solution, it’s you.”

Chapter 26: Let’s Make a Deal

Amber

Session number two under my belt and it wasn’t that bad.

Laura suggested that writing might be the key to unlocking my words. We did a writing exercise in the session. She assured me upfront that she would not ask to see what I wrote, only asked that I not edit my thoughts before putting them down on paper.

After explaining the exercise to me, she moved across the room to give me some space. At first, the questions were easy, impersonal, but slowly they delved deeper, and so did I.

She suggested I might try talking to Gus by writing him a letter. I hated the idea of putting my innermost thoughts and feelings in indelible ink, but I hated the thought of losing my husband worse.

“I’m not a person who shares easily,” I warned.

“I’m not asking you to share with me. I’m asking you to share with someone. Part of overcoming abandonment issues is teaching yourself to trust.”

She explained the process of creating trust was by sharing in tiny incremental steps. Each time I made myself vulnerable to him by sharing, each time he received the information with love and caring, I reinforced the building of trust between us.

On my way home, I stopped off at Walmart to pick up loose leaf lined paper and pens. Standing in front of the school supplies kiosk, I remembered standing there with Yiayia and Pappou two weeks after my mother left, picking up school supplies for the start of the school year.

I remembered that the bright lights pierced my corneas, and the cavernous ceilings reinforced my smallness. Ruby’s dark eyes darted back and forth between me, Pappou, Yiayia, and every shiny thing that caught her attention. Always coming back to me.

Looking back through my adult eyes, I could now read the anxiety on her heart-shaped face, but at that time, it didn’t register. Nothing did.

Pappou and Yiayia bustled around us both, their mouths forcefully curved into smiles. How they must have been hurting, for themselves, and for us. Within a year they lost their only child, their daughter in law, and now, in the years that should have marked their retirement, they took on the task of raising their two grieving grandchildren.

“What you want, Ruby mou?” Yiayia asked.

Ruby poked at the display, tentatively choosing items for school. She rarely went shopping with Mommy and me and her choices surprised me. Instead of the flowery, pastels Mommy bought her, she gravitated towards rich jewel tones. I remember thinking we’d have no problem telling our books apart for the first time.

“I am examining everything,” Pappou announced in his deep, baritone voice. “And this,” he held up a package of pretty floral pens, “is the best pens. They gonna give you all As.”

He passed me the package and I put it into the cart while continuing to scan the people coming and going. I peered into corners, down aisles, and between racks, because in my fantasy, she loved me too much to leave, and she watched over me still.

I dreamed if I could only catch her, she’d smile at me like she used to.

It’s you and me, baby.

You are my most precious jewel.

My mini-me.

My partner in crime.

You’re just like me.

She’d smile at me like she used to, take me under her arm, and take away my pain.

But it was Pappou who tucked me under his strong arm. “Ela, koukla mou, will be okay. Pappou never lie to you.”

---