Page 36 of Chosen Road

I soon learned exactly how much of the slack Gus picked up around the house while I buried myself in my work. Not only that, but Gus’s patience with Alex far exceeded mine. He genuinely wanted to play with Alex, while I played more out of a sense of duty than enjoyment. What I enjoyed, I learned, was watching my husband play with our son, and listening to Alex’s brilliant and creative mind. I missed that terribly.

Worse than all of it, was my grief over losing Gus. It blew in quickly and unexpectedly frigid, catching me by surprise. I missed his smile, his dimple, the sound of his voice, his larger-than-life presence in every room. And my bed was cold without him.

Seeing the twin shadows of remorse and self-disgust on his face skewered me because it was not all his fault. I knew my part in it, and it was not pretty. I wished I had the words, or the will, I wasn’t entirely sure which I lacked, to let him off the hook. I hated seeing him walking around like a wet cat. That was not the Gus I met.

Far from being relieved, after a year on my own, I was exhausted. Mentally and emotionally burnt out in a way that had nothing to do with Gus and his ‘demands’. Looking back, I realized I didn’t give him a damn thing.

I pushed him away, certain I could not push too far.

I turned my back, sure he would keep me in his sights.

I took my eyes off the prize, positive he would win it for both of us.

I relied on his devotion to carry my share of the load.

I depended on his loyalty to have my back, even when it was the only part of myself I gave him.

I believed I had a higher calling and imagined myself to be both more and less important than I was.

I was wrong on both counts.

I went to bed and opened my Kindle, then just as quickly closed it, and put it down on my nightstand. I couldn’t find anything I wanted to read. Tomorrow I’d find something mindlessly entertaining, something steamy, to serve as a reset. The last book left me with a bit of a book boyfriend hangover.

The hero reminded me so much of Gus, I found myself wandering down memory lane reliving bits of our past.

I missed him.

Desperately.

After a year, I was no closer to coming to a decision. Perhaps it was closer to say that I couldn’t stomach the fact that I would never be able to get past his being with Jacqueline.

No matter that I pushed him away.

No matter that I turned my back on him.

No matter that I treated him like shit.

None of it mattered when I knew I wanted someone who wanted me and only me, someone who would do whatever it took to be with me, someone who would never leave.

Gus was not that someone.

No matter how much I wanted him to be.

Chapter 13: I Believe in You

Amber

Two rollercoaster weeks rolled by marked by Ruby’s university boyfriend, Vander, breezing back into her life determined to win her over. At first, I was reticent, but the more I watched, and the more Ruby came alive, the more convinced I was that she should give him a shot.

Ruby doubted the risk was worth it. She said if Gus and I couldn’t make it, nobody could. Those words pressed into the bruise on my heart like a bony finger.

Before I could think it through, I told her not to count us out.

Was I really considering going back? What would that solve? I was still the same person, and Gus had most definitely changed. I’d beaten down that strong, kind, proud, sensitive man. Until I was sure what sent me spinning, I could not think about going back.

I needed to work out how I contributed to the demise of my marriage before making a decision. I figured it was time I did that, but then Gus began behaving strangely.

He began showing up at my work, twice with coffee from our favorite coffee shop, and once with lunch. One evening he dropped over insisting on trading vehicles so he could get mine serviced. I hadn’t even thought about doing that. A few days later he came over and checked all the smoke alarms and CO detectors in my condo. He didn’t stay, just ran in before picking up Alex.

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