Page 34 of Chosen Road

Staring into the dark space in front of me, seeing nothing, I grieved over the fact that I had somehow, someway, lost the woman I loved.

Despair at my failure to make my marriage work stung my eyes.

The lump in my throat choked me with sorrow over what this would do to my son.

Apprehension beat with my racing pulse wondering how often I’d be allowed to see him.

Broken-hearted, I lay in that bed where I was no longer wanted, bitter because even then I worried that Amber would spiral further downwards without me.

This was not conceit; it was simply our dynamic. Where she weighed herself down with responsibilities, I brought balance, and up until recently, I picked her up when the load she insisted on carrying became too heavy.

Who would watch over her if I was gone?

It had been over a year since that night, but remembering it anew meant the pain was fresh. For the first time, I understood how I might have done what I did with Jacqueline.

Amber and I had been separated for over a year and not much had changed. I had no intention of moving on, though I tried to give her the space she consistently requested. I loved my wife. I’d always loved her.

More than that, in the past year, I’d come to the realization that she loved me, too.

I saw it reflected on her face every time we exchanged Alex.

Whatever was happening for her, it wasn’t about not loving me. The way she cared for me when I was sick, how she held onto me in the night, the additional weight she’d lost since leaving, her breakdown in the beginning, all of it attested to her grief in losing us.

After a full year without her, I came to another realization: I would rather live a sexless existence withher than a loveless existence without her.

I made a grave mistake with Jacqueline, an unforgiveable mistake. There was no rectifying that.

Even so, as of right now Amber was still my wife, and it was long past time I started acting like her husband.

A long time ago, I made a promise to look after her always.

I broke it.

Starting now, I would do everything in my power to ease her way.

And if she still wanted to leave me, I’d still love her just the same.

Chapter 12: Aphrodite’s Harem

Amber

I settled Jace and Alex in the games room for the evening.

Compensating much?

I’d pulled out all the stops. It was not a large bedroom, but I planned it well. A pull-out couch faced a large screen tv where Alex’s video console was hooked up, and I installed both Netflix and Disney+.

An air hockey table nestled against the facing wall, and the closet was stuffed with every building block known to man that was not Lego. His Lego stayed at his dad’s house.

The boys were so different. Jace was quiet and observant, more like me. Alex was like Ruby: a burning ball of energy haphazardly spinning through life, loudly pulling everything around him into his orbit and just as quickly spitting it back out to try something else.

Ruby, our best friend, Minty, and I, were just as opposite, like three points of a triangle. It almost seemed as if we came from different decades. If I had to pick a decade for myself, it would be the 1970s. I loved vintage clothing, flowing dresses, tinkling necklaces and earrings, and I wore my hair long and loose down my back. My independent mindset matched as well, determined as I was to make my way on my own.

Ruby depicted the quintessential girl next door, tomboy, from the colorful and buoyant 1980s. Minty was a 1990s fashion model with the manners and demeanour of a founding family.

For sisters, Ruby and I could not have been less alike. Ruby took after our father with her dark hair and eyes, I took after our mother with my slightly wavy dirty blond hair and light brown eyes. Ruby loved and embraced our Greek heritage: the food, the language, the music, the customs, while I only developed an unnatural love for olives. Our food preferences were so opposite that poor Yiayia did a lot of extra cooking while we were growing up, determined that we ate until we choked every single night. Ruby, like Alex, was full of life and fun, while I was quiet and preferred the company of a good book.

And books were the reason we were all together at my place. Aphrodite’s Harem was the handle for our joint Bookstagram account. Minty had the idea about a year ago, and it was the one thing that pulled me out of my funk when I left Angus.

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