Page 31 of Chosen Road

“You’re going to feel better. I promise you. If you decide this is what you want, you will heal, and you’ll be happy again.”

“I won’t,” she whispered. “There is no sunlight without you.”

Fuck me, where were these words months ago? How can I feel both gutted and filled at the same time?

“I’m here, Amber. I’m not going anywhere. I can’t imagine my life without you. No matter what you decide to do, I’ll make it okay.”

Her mouth turned down at the corners, and she stared at me through her tears.

“I’ll be here, Amber. I’ll still love you just the same.”

I stayed with her for four days while Alex stayed with Ruby and Yiayia. After those four days, she didn’t let me touch her again. Instead, she instated her ‘rules of separation’, that allowed dating of all fucking things, and continued to create distance between us.

One year later, we were further apart than ever and no closer to any kind of resolution, though there were no more episodes like that one. Taking Alex back and forth between his two homes became routine, and he seemed to adjust. Perhaps better than I did.

Amber made a games room for him and his cousin slash best friend, Jace. They had sleepovers almost every weekend at Amber’s condo or our family home, or at Yiayia’s where Ruby and Jace lived. I loved it when they were with me. The house was far too big with only me in it.

Our marriage was far from perfect, especially in the last year, maybe even the last two years, as Amber increasingly and inexplicably pulled away from me. I remembered days upon days of neglect, but even in those years the nighttime told a different story.

Not the freshness of night when we first climbed into bed to read or watch tv. Not late at night when we finally slipped into sleep, her on her side of the bed and me on mine. But in the deep of the night, when I woke up with her fist wrapped in my undershirt, hanging on for dear life in her sleep.

I wished I could go back in time and make a different decision, one that would allow me to wake up in the dead of night to feel her want me.

Our separation had lived on long past what I thought would be its expiration date. I considered that to be a lucky break. When Amber walked out the front door over a year ago, I assumed that she would be the one drawing up the divorce papers.

It didn’t happen.

Over the past year I’d pleaded for her to go to marriage counseling with me and begged her to come home, but she held out on both. I had no clear idea of how to proceed from here, but I would not make the same mistake I did last time.

This time, I would wait.

Chapter 11: All the Good I Could Not Do

Amber

“Hi, Amber,” Mallory greeted me when I walked into my office.

“Hi, Mallory. It’s good to see you, honey.” I stopped and smiled at her. “You ready to come back?”

She looked shy for a moment then shrugged, pointing to the end table. “I brought us coffees.”

My eyebrows went up before I could stop them, and her face closed up a tiny bit. “Hmm,” I hummed suspiciously looking at the frothy drink. “That doesn’t look like a coffee,” I teased.

She relaxed and smiled. “It’s a Frappuccino. You need to open up your life to new experiences. Isn’t that what you’re always telling me?”

“Ha!” I barked out a laugh and reached for the cup. I sniffed it. “Mm, smells like strawberries.” I took a tiny sip. “Oh, Lord, it tastes like summer.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw her take a deep breath. My heart cracked a tiny bit more wondering how many times this child had held out her hand to offer something and been slapped back. While it may have been barely discernible to the outside observer, I knew we had made tremendous progress together. We walked back to my office, and I closed us in.

I held up the drink. “Am I to assume the job is going well?”

“Yes. I like it. I like having something of my own.”

I smiled. “Independence is good. But-”

“I know, I know, we need people, too.” She hesitated. “I made a friend online.”

Between the words friend and online my heart plummeted. “Oh, yeah?” I turned away for a moment, fussed with something on my desk to give myself a moment, then sat down in my favourite chair diagonal from her. “How did you meet?”

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