Page 142 of Chosen Road

She scanned us both, then smirked. “You both look thoroughly fucked.”

Ruby laughed. “I’m not! Vander showed up with three boys and his Dad. Not to mention his Mom was already here.” She jerked a thumb in my direction. “That one however, is a different story.”

Minty looked me over, her humor masking her concern. “You look good. Are you feeling better now that he’s home?”

“I am. I wish I could hang onto this confidence when he’s not.”

“You’ll get there. If you want to, you’ll get there.”

She turned to the closet and hung up her dress alongside mine and Yiayia’s. There was something about all our dresses hanging side-by-side that mirrored the way we’d chosen to walk through life together.

We were preparing for a monumental event in Ruby’s life. Together. I had no problem including people in the good things in my life. Those things, I wanted to share. The harder stuff, the hardships and events that exposed my soft underbelly, those things I preferred to face alone.

But I wasn’t sure I should anymore.

Not that I wanted to share with just anybody, but I had important somebodies in my life who could carry those hurts with me. Somebodies who sought to protect my soft underbelly. Armor it the way Minty did at the bookstore. The way Ruby did when she physically aligned her body against mine whenever she sensed me hurting. The way Yiayia did when she made me grilled cheese sandwiches and chocolate milk. The way Gus did when he talked me down on the phone and then loved me up when he got home.

I was learning, slowly, to let them in, and it helped.

I wondered if it wasn’t time to let someone else in. Someone who could help me help myself.

Chapter 47: Vows

Amber

The morning of Ruby’s wedding dawned bright, the winter sun muted by the gentle fall of fresh snow. Vander, who was not supposed to be there this morning, was messing around in the snow out front with the boys. Yiayia opened the door and told them they had five minutes and then she was kicking them out. Bad luck seeing the bride and all that.

The turmoil of the past two days seemed far away in light of our bath time activities. I wondered how far down I might have fallen if I didn’t have his words, in the tangible form of letters, in front of me to tide me over until he got home.

What would it take to avoid that spiral?

I knocked on Ruby’s bedroom door and stuck my head in. She stood in the middle of the room, craning her neck to see what was going on outside but trying not to let Vander see her.

I laughed. “You just cannot resist, can you?”

She smiled. “I’m curious! Aren’t you curious about what they’re doing?”

“No, I saw what they’re doing, and you’ll see, too, if you ever finish getting ready.”

We sat on the edge of her bed, and I bumped her with my shoulder. She smiled and gently bumped me back.

“You ready for today?”

“I’ve never been more ready.”

That’s how I wanted to feel. I wanted that confidence, that surety, that deep-seated determination to take that next step.

In those quiet moments before she joined her life irrevocably to Vander’s, I gave her our gifts. Watched the pleasure diffuse over her face. Saw the wonder over the realization that the day had finally come.

We did our make-up together in the small bathroom, much like we had done in our early teens before make-up was eschewed. Our eyes met often in the mirror, and hers reflected her deep happiness. Peace. Contentment. She had wrestled her demons into submission, and now she rested in her victory, comfortable with her decisions.

I’d never done that.

I waited, always for the other shoe to drop.

I watched, always, for some small cog to slip out of place.

I worried, incessantly, over every possibility, no matter how far-fetched.

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