Page 129 of Chosen Road

“It has to be, Gus, because there is no easy way out of this. I don’t know if I’ll ever be any different. My brain just works that way,” I explained. “I know brains are elastic, but Gus, it’s so damn difficult to change my thinking.”

“You’ll learn to manage it. You’re already managing it. You’ll recognize triggers and you’ve done amazingly well being open with me. I love that. I love you,” he emphasized. “I need to take responsibility, too. If I’m aware of the triggers, I can help. I can be more careful.”

Dismayed, I responded, “That’s just it! I don’t want you to have to be careful. I want you to just…be.”

“Amber, it’s no hardship,” he murmured. “Whatever you need is no hardship. Believe me.”

“I’m bummed that she quit. This job feels hopeless and endless and I’m trying to give these kids something I haven’t yet managed to grasp, myself.”

“You will. Especially with George, you’ll make an impact. What would have helped you when you were his age?”

I thought about it from my vantage point as an adult. “That it wasn’t my fault. That nothing I did could have changed anything. That some things are outside my control.” I twisted my mouth to the side. “Sounds pretty hopeless.”

“Maybe,” he said. “Maybe it’s freeing. You can only control so much.” He paused. “Can I suggest something?”

“Of course,” I said, surprised. Gus always underestimated his insight, especially into people.

“I would imagine a betrayal from someone you’re biologically engineered to trust would make you doubt your people-meter, your trust-o-meter, do you know what I mean?”

“Yes, Gus. Absolutely. You lose faith in your own intuition.”

“Hmm,” he hummed. “I want you to know, that I will listen when you have feelings about things. I won’t dismiss your intuition.”

I didn’t want to talk about that. “Why did you call, agapimeno?”

“I think this is a trigger for you, honey, and if it’s a problem right now, I don’t have to go. Vander booked a condo up at Blue Mountain for two nights starting tomorrow. He wants to take George and Jace up with his Dad, and he wants Alex and I to go up with them. He’s hoping giving George some man time will help him settle.”

“So close to the wedding?” I asked, buying time, absorbing the hit, frustrated because something so simple constituted a hit to be absorbed.

“Ruby wants everybody out of her hair,” he chuckled. “She said she might stay at our house with you and Yiayia.”

I perked up. That could work. Being away from Gus made me anxious. The year we were separated was easier than this tearing down of walls and learning to trust again. What am I thinking? I thought back to that week in bed, the weight I lost, the absence of laughter. The whole year was hell.

“So, we’ll take Alex out of school for a couple of days?” I continued to hedge, throwing up possible obstacles as my mind worked furiously, simultaneously trying to calm itself and acclimate to the new set of plans, while sending out the alarm that Gus was leaving. Gus was leaving!

“Yes. I think it would be good for him, too. Anything that bonds us all tighter as a family is good.”

“Will you keep in touch with me?” I asked, feeling small and mean.

“I would even if you didn’t ask. You think I want to be away from you right now? I don’t. But I also know we need to find our new normal. And clinging to pain and fear is not it.”

“Okay, Gus.”

“You can tell me tonight, honey. There’s no rush.”

“No. It’s okay,” I said, determination marking my words. “Do it. It’ll be fun for all of you. And George needs it. Vander probably needs it even more. He’s been on his own for so long. This is all new for him, too.”

“I never really thought of that,” he murmured.

“I’m sure you understand how that feels,” I offered, and he hummed in agreement.

“I’m glad it’s behind us,” he answered. “Vander’s picking up the boys today and taking them to his place. I’ll let him know we’re going.”

“Love you, Gus mou.”

“Love you, honey.”

Gus

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