Page 109 of Chosen Road

I carried her to the bed and held her on my lap as she cried. “Gus, Gus…”

“Yes, my baby, yes, my baby, I’m so fucking sorry. Tell me what you need.”

She raised her blotchy face to look at me, her wild eyes begging mine, and sobbed. “Promise me. Promise me it’ll never happen again, no matter what, and I’ll believe you.”

I held her face in between my palms and shook her a little to make sure I had her attention. “Amber, it will never happen again. I would kill or die first.”

She dropped her head back, her pain laid bare on her tear-drenched face, her mouth unable to contain the cries from her nightmare come to life. She lay helpless in the wake of the pain, unable to avoid it, unable to change it, and I cradled her close, trying to absorb what I knew I could not.

Excruciating, unbearable, my heart could tolerate no more, but still I took it, because this is what I bought when I dropped my fucking pants.

I dropped gentle kisses over her face, her eyelids, the tip of her runny nose. I brushed my lips over hers, rubbed my wet cheek against hers.

She looped her limp arms around my neck as she slowly calmed and tucked her face into my neck. Every few seconds, her breath hitched with her inhale. Then it was every thirty seconds, every minute, every two. Like a reverse labour, this pain, I hoped, would give birth to a new beginning.

She stroked my face and sighed hoarsely. “I love you, Gus.”

“I love you, Amber.” My voice sounded gruff to my own ears.

“I’m sorry I flipped out.”

I guffawed. “Amber, if it was the other way around, there wouldn’t be a wall left standing.”

She snickered. “This is true.” She pulled in a shuddering breath. “I need to wash my face. I probably look like a scarecrow.”

“You’re always beautiful. Amber, I’m so fucking sorry.”

“I know, Gus. I know. It’ll be okay. I’m so tired.”

“You want to go home?”

“No. No, I don’t. I just want to stay here with you for a little while.”

After washing her face, she came back to the bed and lay in the crook of my shoulder. She caressed my chest, tracing the patterns of ink.

“I don’t want her standing between us.”

I jerked in surprise. “She’s not! She’s nothing,” I spat. “A fucking blip.”

“If it changes the way we love each other, she’s still there.” She sat up and leaned on her hand, looking down at me and spoke softly “Don’t compare what we do to what she did. She degraded herself. I’m giving you me. Do you want the gift, or don’t you?”

“I want it. I want you. There’s so much guilt,” I confessed.

“I don’t want that between us either. Will you let me take it away? Gus, let me take away this thing that lies between us.”

Taking my hand, she gently tugged my hand, urging me to my feet, and I knew I would surely go to hell for this.

Amber

He reluctantly got to his feet, and a spurt of anger erupted in my gut. She couldn’t have this. She couldn’t have any part of him or us.

He did wrong, and he was sorry. I believed him, and I’d give him my forgiveness on my knees.

He stood, his hands in fists by his sides, his pants unbuttoned.

I rose from the bed and tugged my jeans off, leaving me only in bra and underwear, new ones I bought for him for our moving date. I met his tortured gaze and held my arms out to the sides. “Would you like your gift wrapped or unwrapped?”

His face relaxed into a smile. “I like to open my own gifts.”

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