Page 25 of Chosen Road

Gus stepped toward me, reaching for me, but I stepped back. Calm now, I held my palm out to hold him off, my tone almost compassionate.

“I get it. I get that this is a shock to you. You’re remembering something I’ve held in for months, and now I’ve moved on while you’re going to have to catch up. I’ve been there, too. I’d appreciate it if you’d give me some space to pack and get sorted.”

With his hands on his hips, he pulled in a deep breath and blew it out again, looking at the ceiling, his big chest expanding with his effort at control. He rubbed a rough hand over his jaw before looking at me determinedly. “No. Absolutely not. If this is what you want, I’ll leave. This is your home.”

My composure dissolved, and I whispered brokenly, “You were my home.”

His face crumpled, and a sob escaped his throat. He was as devastated as I was, and I went to him because only a moment ago he was mine.

We held each other through our grief, his big hands running desperately up and down my back, cradling the back of my head, pressing his lips and his nose to the top of my head.

I whispered my ‘I love you’ one last time, pulled myself away from his seeking hands, and let him go.

The click of the front door closing propelled me to my car. Only once I got inside and closed the door did I feel safe. I squeezed my eyes shut against the knowledge that I just broke his heart.

I pulled in a shuddering breath.

I was only getting started.

Gus

Dried saline from my tears tightened the skin on my face while I stared unseeing at the floor in front of me. I’d have been flat out on the floor but for my elbows braced on my spread knees keeping me upright.

I was not foolish enough to wonder how we got here, but the urge to retrace my steps, to find where I veered off course, pummeled me.

From where I sat on the couch in our family room, if I lifted my chin, I’d be looking directly at the front door. I wouldn’t see it closed as it was now, I’d see her walking through it again and again, tear-drenched and resolute, reliving the moment my heart ceased to beat.

So, I didn’t lift my chin.

Not for a while.

Not until I found a bottle to tip down my throat.

Torn between wanting to remember and needing to forget, I attempted to drown the images from my mind.

Not remembering how it happened was surreal. The picture of my hand in her hair, her kneeling at my feet, her hands on my fly, was clear enough, but with no cognitive memory of how I got to that point or what happened afterwards, it seemed more like and image from a nightmare.

I mean, Jacqueline? Really?

What in the hell could have happened for me to allow that? I’d been avoiding her for weeks, knowing I had to make things clear.

Every compliment she’d given me and the memory of my every pleased response slammed into me one-by-one. I had more than enough opportunity to say something, to set things straight, but I didn’t.

Starved for affection, she offered me something, and I took it.

Who’s to say she didn’t offer more, and I didn’t take that as well?

My stomach pitched and rolled with self-disgust.

I was not the man I thought I was.

Chapter 9: If Not Us, Just Her

Amber

Dragging myself from my new bed, I stumbled into the bathroom to survey the wreckage from the night before. The face that stared back at me from the mirror offered a true reflection of the mess I was on the inside. Blotchy skin, sallow complexion, swollen eyes, chapped lips, finally, some fucking equilibrium after the weeks and months of pretending everything was okay. I looked exactly as bad as I felt, and the day promised to only get worse.

After arriving at the condominium the night before, I texted Gus to let him know where I was and gave him the address. I told him I’d be back in the morning so we could talk to our son together. Alex would be heartbroken. I’d break both my boys within twelve hours.

---