Page 53 of Finn

I steal a quick glance at Finn, who’s focussed on his cards. I have no clue what his hand is, and he gives nothing away. I’ve never seen a poker face quite like his. He seems different though, more relaxed maybe?

“So, I hear you and Cara made an appearance at the club the other night.” I drop it casually into conversation, and he just looks up at me, no expression, and gives me a short single nod. “Bells and I were there too.” He gives me an understanding chin lift. We don’t go there very often, but sometimes, Bells and I do like to pop in occasionally.

Connor and I cast side glances at one another for the next twenty minutes as we chat about Finn’s honeymoon and whatever else is going on in our lives.

While Finn has told us about his honeymoon, or bits of it, this is the part he has always been guarded with, he’s never really shared much about him or his life with us. Whenever we’d sit around and shoot the shit, he would only ever give us snippets, enough to satisfy us, but never enough to share anything too real.

We all groan as Ronan wins again. The fucker grins and slides his winnings towards himself. We play for decent amounts but nothing too obscene, and anytime we win, we always use the winnings for something with the women. Of course, before we all had women, the guys would use theirs for a dinner for us all or they’d send it home to Ma and Niamh, so they could have a night out.

“So, the guys and I were hoping that you would tell us about what it was like for you growing up.” He stops what he’s doing and looks at me. I see a flash of something in his eyes, but as quick as it comes, it goes. Shit, I had intended on being a little more subtle, but clearly, I’m as subtle as a brick.

“There isn’t anything to tell. Let’s just drop it and play.” He picks up his cards, closing us out. I hate this. I hate that he shuts us out, and I know we only have ourselves to blame, but still.

I throw my cards on the table before reaching out and grabbing his, dumping them next to where mine landed.

He watches me, waiting for me to say something, but the truth is, I don’t know what to say. I have no idea what he’s been through, and while I selfishly want him to tell us, I have no idea if it will trigger him in anyway. Still, despite knowing it will send him down a path he really doesn’t want to go down, I push.

“Stop closing us out. We’re family. Talk to us, tell us. Please, Finn.”

“Why? Why do you want me to tell you about it? It doesn’t serve any purpose, and what’s done is done. We can’t change the past, so why relive it?”

Chapter 36

“It isn’t about reliving it. It’s about us wanting to understand what you went through. Finn, you had a very different life to us. We grew up at our Da’s side, learning from him, being loved by him. But I now know that’s something you never got. We spent so much of our younger years taunting you about being a mammy’s boy because it’s what Da did, it’s what he told us to do, thinking it was a joke, but we never knew the real reason for it. We never knew how much it affected you.”

I heave out a heavy sigh then tip my head back and count to ten before rolling my neck. I can feel the tension building. I get it, I get he wants me to explain, but I wish he would just let it drop. I wish he would understand that I don’t want to go back there, I’ve moved on, and he should too.

But he can’t. For me, it’s been years, but for him, it’s only been a month. I’ve had so much longer to process all of this. I’ve had so much longer to accept this.

“If I tell you what you want to know, will you drop it and move on?”

“Yes.” All three of them give me the same answer.

Leaning back in my seat, I grab the bottle of beer and neck it all, and before I’ve even put the empty bottle back on the table, Ronan is out of his seat grabbing us fresh ones.

“You know Da didn’t think I was his kid, and Darragh, he thought the same. I watched the way they interacted with you guys, I sat on the side-lines and wondered why I was never good enough. All I ever wanted was to be treated like his son, like I was one of you, like I belonged…”

I scrub my hands over my face. I feel exposed and I hate it, but I should try. I look across at each of my brothers––they’re all watching me, waiting for me to continue. They keep their expressions neutral, I have no idea what they are thinking, and it’s making me uncomfortable.

Taking a drink of my new bottle of beer, I continue, “I begged Da to let me in, to be a part of the family, but he always said no. Until one day, him and Darragh gave me an instruction. I was so happy that I thought they were going to let me in, I thought giving me a job meant they loved me, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

“They sent me to the McCarthy warehouse to retrieve a bag. They said the warehouse would be empty but that someone would have left it by the door where you walk in. All I had to do was walk in, pick up the bag, and leave.

“Turns out that the warehouse wasn’t empty, and they knew it. Do you guys remember that summer I stayed with Gramps when I was fourteen?”

I look at each of my brothers, and they all give me a nod, letting me know they remember the time I’m talking about.

“I was sent away by Da, he didn’t want you guys to see me. The night I went to pick up the bag out of the warehouse, the McCarthys caught me. They beat me so badly that they put me in hospital.”

“WHAT?” Kill bellows so loud we all flinch, taking a look at the TV to make sure he didn’t disturb Maddie, and thankfully, she’s still sound asleep.

“I was in the hospital for three days before I was discharged. Gramps took me to stay by the beach for the entire summer. We could have come back after about four weeks, but Gramps said no, said we were staying longer. He always said he wanted to make sure that I had at least one happy childhood memory.”

I take a deep breath and down the rest of my bottle.

“Finn––”

“Let me finish, please, Kill. Da and Darragh had come to see me in the hospital. I thought they were coming to see if I was okay, but they weren’t. They were there to tell me not to come home until my injuries had healed. Da said that you boys didn’t deserve to see what a loser I was, that he was doing me a favour telling me to stay away, because if I came home, then you’d know what a complete and utter useless waste of space I was.

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