Page 60 of When it Comes to You

“Then you should go.” I gesture toward his terminal. “You don't want to miss your flight.” I can hear the bitterness in my voice and feel the quiver of my chin as I fight off the urge to break down and sob right here and now.

“Scar,” he hesitates. “There isn’t a choice to make. Of course I want to be with you. Of course I do. I just can’t do what you’re asking. Not yet.”

“You can continue to play his puppet. Be his golden child. But I won't live a life waiting for something that will never happen, and I certainly will not live a life where Jonathan Ryan has any control over me or the people I love. I thought we were on the same page. I thought you wanted that too. I guess I was wrong,” I say, all the fight leaving my body. “Get on the plane, Westin. Go home.” With that, I spin on my heel and walk out of the airport like I’m walking across hot coals. I push my way through crowds of people, feeling like I can't breathe until I finally reach the open air.

Making my way to the side of the building, I push my back against the cool exterior wall and take several deep breaths. The tears I fought so hard to control are streaming down my face and honestly, I don't care.

I don't care that I just made a scene in front of dozens of strangers. I don't care that people are staring at me like I belong in a psych ward. All I care about is the man I just let go.

My chest feels heavy, like there are a thousand bricks weighing me down, suffocating me. I know I have to move on. If he won’t make a choice, then I will. I can't go back. I can't let Jonathan back in. He may have given me life but he is not my father. He is a cold, selfish, greedy man who will do anything he can to benefit only one person,himself.

I can't go back there. I won't. And I won't sit back and watch as Westin allows him to control him the way he controlled me for so many years. If he wants that life, then he can have it. But he can't have me along with it.

After pulling myself into as much composure as I can muster, I make my way to the curb to hail a cab. Fortunately, it takes only moments for one to pull up and I quickly climb into the back seat.

Paying no attention to my driver, I ramble off my address and sink back into the cheap leather seats that smell like week old pizza and dirty socks. I watch out the window as the miles increase between me and the airport.

I count the minutes, the seconds even, as they pass. Each one that ticks by is like needles prickling every inch of my flesh. The pain radiates across my entire body until I feel like I don't have the energy to hold my own head up.

He's gone, and at this point I don’t know if he’s ever coming back. Why couldn't I continue with the way things were going? Sure they weren't ideal, but wasn't it better than this? A life without Westin? A life where I feel like every day is a curse rather than a blessing?

Regret boils inside of me and for the first time in a very long time, I feel like the fault rests solely on my shoulders. I had to push for more without even considering that he simply cannot give me more right now.

But like everything that surrounds Jonathan Ryan, I couldn’t let it lie. If this were any other job, anywhere else in the world, I would have waited. Years even. If it meant that Westin would join me eventually, I would have waited forever.

But I know what surrounds a life involving my father and I can't live like that. I can't stand around waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know if my decision was right or wrong. Too soon or not soon enough. All I know is that right now, I feel like I’m trying to cross a river that is uncrossable. It is yet to be seen whether or not I will make it to the other side in one piece.

——

“HOW LONG HAS IT BEENsince you heard from him?” Jamie asks, pouring me another glass of wine as we sit crossed leg on the floor of my living room.

This has been the first time that either her or Kari has had the nerve to bring Westin up after my initial breakdown to both of them. While I’m not jumping up and down to talk about it, I can't help but respect the hell out of Jamie's ability to ask a question, no matter how touchy the subject.

Shaking my head, I'm not really sure how to answer her. Or maybe it's that I don't want to. Either way, I take an extra-long drink of my wine before responding.

“I haven't,” I admit, shrugging my shoulders and fighting back the sudden wave of emotion that feels like it’s crashing down over my head. “Not since the airport. Four days.”

“So he hasn't called or anything?” she asks, seeming surprised by the news. Though I’m not sure why. It's not like she really knows him, therefore she has no idea if this is typical behavior or not.

“Nothing. I broke down and called him yesterday. He didn’t answer. Didn’t call me back either,” I grumble, emptying the contents of my glass.

Jamie immediately picks up the bottle of wine from the side table next to her and fills me back up, topping off her glass as well before sitting the bottle back down.

“I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I don't know what came over me. Demanding he uproot his entire life just like that. Hell, we've only spent a total of ten days together in ten years. I mean, it seems longer because of the time in between, but once I thought about it I realized it was true. How could I ask something like that of him after such a short amount of time?”

“You know what you want. And you had the balls to go for it. There's no shame in that.” Jamie reaches over to pat my knee. “At least you went for it, Scar. At least you put yourself out there, despite the past.”

“I just don't know what's wrong with me lately. One minute I feel like everything is perfect. The next, I’m purposely finding things that need to be better. It's like I can't leave a good thing alone. I was happy, Jamie. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I had everything I’d ever wanted. Leave it to me to fuck it up before it even had a chance to really take flight.” I pick at the rug under my feet, taking my aggression out on a loose thread that just won’t seem to break.

“You know what I think?” Jamie asks, waiting for me to nod before continuing. “I think you should go to him.”

I choke a little on my wine. Sputtering out a “What?” between coughs.

“I'm serious, Scar. Why not? You feel like you pushed too hard, right? Like maybe you were being unfair to him? So why not tell him that? Why not go to him and tell him how you feel? That you panicked because of your father's involvement and that you don't want to give up what you two have. If he won’t answer your calls...” She smiles softly at me. “You are a brave, beautiful woman. I have never known you to back away from something you want. So don't back away from this. Not when he clearly means so much to you.”

“I don't know, Jamie. I don't know what I would even say,” I admit, surprised that I’m even considering this as an option.

“Just tell him how you feel. Look, I know that you’re worried about your father and giving him any type of control, but don't you see, that's exactly whatyouare doing. You’re allowing him to control a relationship that he doesn't even know about, right?” she says, making me realize immediately how right she is.

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