Page 104 of Force of Nature

“All of it.” His gaze holds mine, his stance not wavering. “I’m sorry for all of it.”

“Well there, you apologized. Do you feel better now?” I cross my arms in front of my chest.

“Not even close.” He pushes away from the door frame and takes two steps forward, close enough that my body goes tight but far enough away that I don’t feel at risk of toppling to the ground.

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, Laken. I’ve hurt so many people. I never cared to do right by anyone. But then you came along and I so desperately wanted to protect you from me. So much so that I ended up hurting you even more in the long run. I’ve spent the last several months trying to prove to myself that I made the right choice. That walking away from you was what was best for us both. But it isn’t, Laken. You’ve never tried to change me. You don’t see my addiction, you see me. You tried telling me that once but I was too scared to listen. I’m not afraid anymore.”

“Too little too late, Thad.” I shake my head, holding my hand up when he takes another step closer.

“That night in the camper,” he continues like I didn’t even speak. “I lost control. I used you like you were some kind of drug. And it worked. At least in the moment. But after the high wore off I realized what I had done. The one thing I swore to myself I wouldn’t do I did. I used you like you meant nothing and then I ran away because you meant so much more than nothing and I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t know how to compartmentalize the way I was feeling. I panicked and I ran and I am so fucking sorry, Laken.” He pauses for a brief moment, gauging my reaction. “I started seeing a therapist after that. She’s really helped me work through a lot of my issues and in doing so has opened my eyes to what I’ve been refusing to see all along. You aren’t just another addiction, Laken. You aren’t a drug. You are a beautiful, kind, talented woman who I’ve fallen madly in love with. The power you have over me, my addiction was the only thing I could compare it too. I had no other way to explain the way you made me feel. Like I was worthy of something I convinced myself I would never be worthy of. You loved me in spite of everything and I repaid that love by treating you like some random woman who meant nothing, when in reality you meant everything. You still mean everything.”

“I don’t know what you want from me right now,” I say, fighting past the lump in my throat.

“I want you to tell me it’s not too late. I want you to say I haven’t ruined this. I want you to agree to give me the chance to love you the way I should have been loving you all along.”

“It’s not that easy,” I object, the truth of our situation hanging on the tip of my tongue and yet for the life of me I can’t force the words out.

“But it is. I’ve over complicated this and made issues where there weren’t any to begin with. I ran away because running is what I’ve always done. I ran away from my parents, from my responsibility, from getting the help I needed. And then I ran away from you, from the ranch, from everything we could have had together. I came here to tell you goodbye the right way last fall. I tried to be the good guy who let you go. But I never truly let you go. No matter how hard I ran, you were always right behind me, begging me to stop.” He takes another step, leaving less than a foot between us. “It’s taken me a long time to accept that I can’t live without you. Maybe that makes me a selfish bastard. So be it. Nothing matters more to me than making things right with you. And getting the chance we should have had all those months ago.”

“You live in Wyoming,” I start, ready to spit out any excuse I can think of.

I’ve waited for what feels like forever for him to say all of this to me but now that he is it feels too good to be true. I know that as soon as I let my guard down he’s going to find a way to hurt me again.

“I’ll move here,” he says without hesitation.

“You can’t just uproot your entire life,” I object.

“Why can’t I? There’s nothing in Wyoming for me. Wherever you are, that’s my home.”

“And your job?”

“I’ll find a new one. I’m sure they have mechanic jobs in North Carolina.”

“Thad, this is crazy. You can’t just show up here after all this time and expect me to believe you’re actually serious.”

“But I am, Laken. I’m dead serious. I love you. I’m so in love with you it’s hard to fucking breathe sometimes.”

“You hurt me so bad.” I choke on the words, tears forming behind my eyes.

“I know I did.” He reaches out and cups my face, forcing my gaze upward. “And I promise, I’ll never hurt you again.”

“I’m pregnant.” I don’t mean to say it. It just falls off my lips without a thought. In an instant I watch every bit of the color drain from his face.

His hands drop and he takes a full step back, uncertainty lingering in his eyes.

“You’re pregnant?” he questions like he hasn’t quite grasped the statement. His gaze holds mine for the longest moment before slowly dipping to my belly where my baby bump is evident if you care enough to look.

“I... I don’t know what to say.” He shakes his head, his gaze coming back up to mine. “I didn’t realize you were seeing anyone. Chris said...”

“I’m not seeing anyone,” I cut him off, realizing that he’s not understanding what I’m telling him. “The baby is yours.”

“What?” He looks even more confused now, running a hand through his messy hair as he tries to digest the information I’m feeding him.

“You’re the father. The night in the camper, you didn’t use protection.”

“But I thought you were on birth control?”

“I was. Guess it’s not as effective as I thought it was.” I shrug, not knowing what else to really say about the matter.

---