Page 92 of Something to Believe In

Hannah opens her mouth to say something, but I’m out the door before she has a chance to speak.

I set a good walking pace, wanting to get there and back as quick as I possibly can. Sarah is already waiting when I reach the park, one kilometre from my house. I stop a few feet away from her. She looks so small sitting on the swing, wearing an oversized Bridgeport hoodie to block out the cold winter weather. I tug on the hem of my own hoodie as I realise hers probably belonged to Joel.

“What do you want, Sarah?” I huff out when she doesn’t say anything.

She sniffs, but I’m in no mood for her tears.

“I want to apologise.”

“For what?”

“I reallydidlike you. I want you to know that.”

I stiffen. “I’m not–”

“I don’t expect you to say anything. I stuffed up, and I know you’re with Hannah now. I… I’m just trying to, I don’t know, make everything right, I guess.” Sarah looks up at me through her tears.

I suck in a breath.What does she want me to say? That it’s all okay? That it doesn’t matter that I’ll never play footy anymore?

“My step-mum is horrible. She makes me feel worthless.” Sarah sighs when I roll my eyes. “I’m not trying to make excuses; I just hope you’ll maybe understand why I did what I did. I was desperate to find a way out, and even though Joel had good draft prospects, everyone was talking about you. Even Joel.” Her voice shakes as she says his name. Biting her lip, she adds, “I guess I thought I needed to hedge my bets.” Sarah stares at the ground in front of me, taking a deep breath before continuing. “It was all a game, to start with. But you were so good to me, made me laugh. I really started to fall for you.”

I swallow the bile that rises up my throat. Trying to remember to breathe through my nose, I think of Hannah. My girlfriend. The only reason I hooked up with Sarah in the first place was because I’d been selfishly trying to get my best friend out of my head, and I’d used Sarah to do that.I’m no better than she is.

“When Joel found out, I knew I’d stuffed up.”

That makes two of us.That was the night of Hannah’s birthday. When I realised I’d made a huge mistake believing Sarah over her. When I realised I wanted to be with her no matter the cost of our friendship, and I’d make it up to her any way I could.

I run my hand through my hair. “Sarah, get to the point. Why’d you call me here? What do you want from me?”

“The night of… the night he…” She chokes up and I stand there watching her, not sure what to do. She takes a couple of deep breaths. “That night I went over to see Joel. He told me he was tired of the games. He was sick of everyone in his life manipulating him. The next morning, he was gone.”

Tears are running down her face now, but I cross my hands over my chest. I can’t comfort her.

“I want you to know,” she sobs. “I want you and Hannah to know I’m sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. I was just trying to find a way out of my shitty home life.”

My phone buzzes in my pocket. I pull it out and stare at the screen until it comes into focus. It’s Hannah.

What’s going on? Is JD okay?

My stomach churns at my lie. I type out my reply.

Everything’s fine. Coming home now. Love you.

After slipping my phone back into my pocket, I look back up at Sarah and shake my head. “I don’t know what to do with all this.”

“I just wish he knew how sorry I am for what I did.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah.”

“If he hadn’t…” I swallow the lump in my throat. “If he hadn’t done what he did, would you still feel sorry for what you did?”

Sarah hesitates, tears running freely down her face. “I don’t know,” she whispers. “Do you hate me?”

“I can’t answer that right now.” I rub the back of my neck.

She wipes her face with her sleeve.

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