Page 87 of Something to Believe In

I tap on our group message and click to start a video call. Macca’s the first one to answer. Unlike me, he’s fully dressed in his uniform, sitting at his desk in his bedroom. Before he can say anything, JD’s face appears on the screen. He’s also in his uniform, although his tie is loose around his neck, and he’s not wearing his blazer as he lays on his bed.

Macca’s the first one to spot Hannah, and he rubs his face. “So, you’ve heard then?”

I nod.

“Tiana called me,” Hannah says quietly.

“The school isn’t releasing his name,” JD clears his throat. “But they’ve cancelled classes for everyone. They’re organising counsellors for tomorrow.”

“How do you guys know?” I ask.

“Because we’re school captains. Principal Fraser called us and asked us to come in,” Macca says. “That was the worst meeting I’ve ever been a part of.”

“Yeah,” JD agrees, shaking his head. “It wasn’t great being at school. A few of the teachers broke down. It was distressing to watch, man. Everyone’s in shock. No one saw it coming.”

Bile rises up my throat, but I swallow it down. I rest my chin on top of Hannah’s head.

“This is seriously messed up guys.” Macca’s shoulders slump. “I mean, we were only in class with him yesterday.”

Hannah glances up at me, and I give a small shake of my head. I don’t need them to know about what went down with me and Joel at lunch. I’m feeling guilty enough as it is.

JD pinches the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t really wanna sit at home alone today. I feel like I’ll just be thinking about him, you know?”

Macca’s nodding. “Mum wants me to stay home with Ally, but you guys are welcome to come here. I’ll call Ash.” He slaps his forehead. “Shit. Does she know it’s Joel?”

Hannah shakes her head. “I came straight here after Tiana called.” She looks at me. “You should ask your mum though. She hasn’t gone to work today.”

I raise my eyebrows.Why would Mum take a day off work? I’m not a little kid.“Yeah, she’ll be fine. We’ll be over soon.” I hang up and bury my face in Hannah’s hair.

“You okay?” she asks.

I shake my head. “Not really.”

“Are you sure going to Macca’s is the right thing to do? We can just hang out here. Talk.”

I kiss the top of her head. “Nah, we’ll go hang out with our friends. We can talk there.” I add when she raises her eyebrows. I climb over her and grab some clothes, heading to the bathroom for a quick shower.

As I stand under the water, I can’t hold the tears back any longer. Why would Joel take his own life? It doesn’t make sense. Yeah, the disciplinary action against him didn’t look good, but his talent on the field spoke for itself. He still had his whole future in front of him. Why would he do something so final?

My stomach clenches painfully.This could have been me.Since Dad died, I’ve made mistake after mistake, my life spiralling out of control until the accident on the footy field. Some days it seemed like it would be easier if it had of been me who died, but now those thoughts just seem wrong.

By the time I shut the water off, the whole bathroom is steamy. The mirror is all fogged up, just like my mind. Nothing feels real. It’s all a blur. Joel’s not gone. He can’t be. This has all got to be a joke. A really fucked up joke. I rub my face, wishing I could wake up from this nightmare.

As I put on my clothes, I’m just going through the motions. Left leg. Right leg. Pants on. Left arm. Right arm. Head. Sweatshirt on. A quick spray of deodorant. Run my hands through my hair.Joel will never go through these motions again.The room spins and I sit down on the edge of the bathtub, burying my head in my hands. The things we take for granted, he never will again.

Hannah’s not in my bedroom, so I make my way into the kitchen where she’s sitting at the bench with my mum. There are three cups of coffee and mine is lukewarm when I pick it up.

“We didn’t know how long you’d be.” Mum stands up to make me a fresh cup, squeezing my arm as she walks past me. “How are you doing?”

I shrug. I’m not going to lie and tell her I’m fine, because everyone in the room knows it’s not true. Telling everyone I was fine also didn’t work out well for me after Dad died. If anything, that’s what got us all into this mess now. Everything seems to lead back to what I did, or didn’t do, after Dad died. I pushed my family away and clung on to Hannah. I kissed Hannah and pushed her away. I got caught up with Sarah and started the beef with Joel when I punched him in the face at school. It’s all my fault.

“Honey, I know this is a shock and I can’t imagine what you and your friends are going through. I just want you to make sure you talk to each other; be there for each other.” Mum sniffs as she places my coffee down in front of me and I wrap my arm around her. “My biggest fear is you’ll keep everything bottled up. That you’ll beat yourself up about things that are out of your control.”

Hannah is crying now, too, and a couple of tears roll down my cheeks as I reach out to squeeze her hand.

“It’s all good, Mum. I promise.” Clearing my throat, I add, “We’re going to head over to Macca’s. You don’t have to worry about me, okay?”

Mum lets out a snort of laughter. “I’ll always worry about you, Oli. And Jake and Sam, too. It’s my job as your mum.” Patting my chest, she wipes away her tears with the back of her other hand. “Go. Be with your friends. Call me if you need me.”

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