Page 83 of Something to Believe In

“I’ll leave you to talk to your family, Oliver,” Dr. Henry says quietly. “Get the nurses to page me if you have any further questions.”

∞

Mum makes me take the rest of the week off school to recover despite my protests. I don’t want to be sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. I want the distraction of school. I need it. Jake does his best when he’s not at work. We’ve been shooting hoops and hanging out like we did before I turned into such a moody asshole. Hannah and Ashley have been flooding our group Snap with funny memes and viral challenges, and Hannah has been over every night this week, but it’s finally the weekend and she’s been called into work at the bookstore because her boss is sick. Jake and Mum are at work, and I’ve got the house to myself.

Before the run-in with Joel on the footy field, I would have been playing footy with my mates today, but that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen any time soon. I had my MRI yesterday, but the doc wasn’t optimistic. It’s going to take at least one to two weeks to get the results, so now I’m left in limbo yet again. I’m waiting to see what’s going to happen with my footy career, but it’s all but confirmed to be over. This is all so messed up. Playing in the AFL has been my dream since I was a kid. Now it’s been taken away from me, what do I even have left? I seriously wonder why it was my dad who died in that car crash when it should’ve been me. I’m the screw up. Ever since he died, I’ve just made one mistake after another after another. What’s the point of surviving if I was just going to lose everything anyway?

Frustrated with everything that’s gone to shit in my life, I drag my ass out of bed and deposit myself on the couch. A change of scenery–maybe that’s what I need. I channel surf for a bit, but Saturday morning television really sucks. Four-wheel drive outback shows. Fishing. News. Alternative music. Repeats ofNeighbours. Cartoons. DIY shows. I check my watch. The footy pregame doesn’t start for another hour. I switch over to the streaming channels but after flicking through menu after menu, there’s nothing I feel like watching. I switch off the television and throw the remote on the coffee table.

I pull up my socials on my phone and scroll through, but that’s even more depressing. Everyone’s posting about all the good shit in their lives. I scroll through photo after photo of people laughing, smiling, celebrating. They’re chilling with their pets, their mates, their girlfriends and boyfriends, while I’m bloody stuck in my house, on my own, feeling like shit. I should be playing footy with my mates and getting seen by possible recruiters. I toss my phone across the room, wincing when it hits the wall with a thud, but I don’t even really care anymore. It’s all bullshit anyway.

I rub my hands over my face. I think about going for a run, but I promised Mum I’d take it easy. Besides, in the mood I’m in right now, my run would be anything but easy. My stomach growls, so I move to the kitchen and stand in front of the open refrigerator door. Bacon and eggs. Leftover pasta from last night. Sandwich. Cereal.How hard is it to make a decision?

I grab the bowl of leftover pasta, not even bothering to heat it up. I grab a fork and start shovelling it into my mouth as I lean up against the kitchen bench. The house is too quiet, and I can hear the clock above the microwave tick-tocking the time away.Just like my life.I finish the pasta without tasting any of it and leave my dirty dishes in the sink. I need to get out of the house and out of my head.

I pull on my Lions jacket and beanie, but when I open the front door, I’m surprised to see Macca standing there, hand raised like he was about to knock. His hair’s wet. He’s come straight from the game.

“Hey, man.” He grins, taking in my choice of outfit. “You heading to the club to watch the seniors?”

I shake my head. The last thing I want right now is to be around the game I can’t play. “Nah, I was just gonna go for a walk. I need to get outta the house for a bit.”

“Yeah, fair enough. Want some company?”

The first thought that crosses my mind isnot really, but instead I shrug. “Yeah, whatever. I was just gonna head down the river.”

“Let me just grab my beanie and jacket from the car. It’s a bit fresh.”

I lock up the house and meet him on the footpath next to his car. With his Lions jacket and beanie, I note that we look like we could be twins, but besides the clothes, we’ve got nothing in common at the moment. He’s got footy and a new girlfriend now that he’s hooking up with Ashley. He’s getting the grades at school he needs to get into sports medicine next year at uni. His life is pretty much perfect. Me, on the other hand, the only thing I’ve got on that list is Hannah, and while she’s the best thing in my life right now, I’m not sure it totally makes up for the other stuff.

We don’t speak as we make our way down my usually running route to the river. I’m still wallowing in the shit hand I’ve been dealt this year when Macca finally breaks the silence.

“I know you’re going through a lot right now, with not knowing if you’re gonna be able to play footy or not, but you’re still the captain of the team, man, and the boys are missing you around the club. You haven’t even asked if we won today.” His voice is level, but I can feel the fire in his words.

I rub the back of my neck and ask, “Did you win?”

Macca let’s out a frustrated snort. “Yeah, we won, but that’s not the point. The boys want…” he shakes his head. “Nah, Oli, theyneedtheir captain. I know this was supposed to be a big year for you with the draft and all, but don’t forget there are others who just wanna make it to a premiership.”

My stomach coils in knots at the thought of them winning a premiership without me, but I’ve got to face the facts. That’s more than likely going to be the outcome of this season.

“You stood up at the start of the season after all that shit went down with Sarah and said you were one hundred per-cent committed to the team and being captain, and the boys listened to you. But we’re over halfway through the season now, and you’ve gone AWOL again. Finals are only six weeks away. We need you, man.”

I stop and stare at him. “After yet another run in with Joel over Sarah, I might never play the game again. My career’s out the window before it even got started and you want me to what? Come and hold the guys’ hands while they get to run out every week and play the one good thing I had in my life?”

“It’s not the only good thing you’ve got,” Macca mutters. “You’ve got Hannah, and you’ve got us, your mates. Besides, this is just a setback. Before you know it, you’ll be back on the team, but it’s not gonna do you any good if the boys don’t trust you anymore.”

My fuse is lit. I step forward, shoving Macca. “You don’t get it. Its not just a ‘setback’. This is serious, Macca. I had an MRI yesterday, a bloody MRI. The docs are telling me they’re not giving me clearance. Even if I do manage to get back on the field, I’m a liability. Another head knock and that could be it. I’m not coming back from this. I’m done.”

I’m done.As soon as I say the words out loud, I know they’re true. There’s a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I’m trying not to throw up. I turn away from Macca so he can’t see the tears that are threatening to fall.

“You’re the captain, now. I’ll call Chris tomorrow. I’m taking myself off the team.”

Macca calls out to me as I walk away, but I can’t deal with anymore. Not today.

39

Bluebird Books is so busy, I haven’t even had time for my lunch break. Logan started an hour before me, so when we finally get a lull in customers at quarter past two, he heads out to the staffroom to grab something to eat first. My stomach rumbles loudly as the bell above the door rings. I wrap my arm around my waist, trying to quell the gurgling as I plaster a smile on my face and move to the front of the store to greet the customer.

“Hi there. How can I help–” My mouth drops open in surprise when I come face to face with a dishevelled Joel West.

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