Page 103 of Something to Believe In

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Between work, study, and hanging out with Oliver and our friends; the school holidays are over before we know it, and we’re back at school preparing for our final exams. Even though Oliver and I are taking a gap year to travel next year, we still have plans to attend university when we get back, so we can’t slack off.

The morning of our English exam, he sends me a text.The good news is that you don’t know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is! Good luck today, I know you’ll kill it. Love you.

Reading the quote from Anne Frank, I blink back tears as I think about how much our lives have changed since my birthday. How in love I am with my best friend. I can’t think of anything even remotely smart or witty to reply, so I send him back a couple of kissing emojis.

My stomach is in knots as I walk into our school gym, but once I sit down and begin my essay, the words just flow out of me and when I walk out of there two hours later, I have a huge grin on my face. One exam down, four more to go. Three weeks seems to fly by and before we know it, our thirteenth year of schooling is over.

I feel quietly confident that I did well on most of my exams. Math has always been my Achilles heel, though, and I really struggled with the algebra component – all those letters for numbers just confuses the hell out of me. When I walk out of the gym after my psychology exam, I feel a plethora of emotions swirling through me: sadness for what I’m leaving behind, pride at everything I’ve accomplished over the last six years at Our Lady’s, and anticipation for what comes next.

We can hear the music from halfway down JD’s street when Jake and Kenzie drop Oliver and I off on Friday night. Spirits are high and everyone is pumped to be finished exams. I start to walk up to JD’s front door, but Oliver pulls me back, wrapping his arms around me and resting his forehead against mine.

“We did it.” He grins down at me. “It’s all over. We made it through high school.” His eyes go a little dark with the last part and I can tell he’s thinking about Joel.

I reach up and rest my palm on his cheek. “It’s been a shit year, but there’s been some good parts too.”

He presses his lips to mine. “Yeah, I know.” He sighs. “I don’t think I’d be here right now if it wasn’t for you.”

I suck in a deep breath at the enormity of the meaning behind his words. “Oli–”

He kisses me again, deeper this time, cutting off the question I didn’t want to know the answer to. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I promise. I’m okay now. Thanks to you.”

Before I can say anything else, he takes my hand and heads to the side gate, letting us into JD’s backyard.

I try to keep my swirling emotions off my face as we greet our friends. As giant as JD’s backyard is, it’s packed with graduating students from St Christopher’s and Our Lady’s. There have to be around one hundred and fifty kids scattered around, overflowing into the giant shed that usually houses his dad’s boat and the family caravan. A DJ has set up in the far corner and the makeshift dancefloor is crowded.

Oliver laces his fingers in mine, and we move back toward the house, greeting our friends as we look for Macca, Ashley, and JD. I spot Sarah, Tiana, and Caley sitting on the bottom step of JD’s back deck. Tiana waves and I smile in return. Sarah looks up, gives me a small nod then turns back to her conversation with her friends. She’s barely been at school since Joel’s death, and when she has, she’s avoided me completely. This is the first somewhat civil interaction I’ve had with her. I guess a lot has changed in the past couple of months.

Whilst the mood is celebratory, it’s also bittersweet mixed with a tinge of sadness as people acknowledge that not everyone made it here to this point in time. Oliver and I pass a group of St Christopher boys talking about how weird it is to be here without Joel and how much graduation is going to suck. Oliver’s body tenses, and I squeeze his hand as we keep pushing our way through the throng.

Eventually we found our friends over by the firepit. JD is sitting on the grass next to Callum, their hands intertwined on his knee. Macca is sprawled across from them with Ashley leaning up against his chest. My stomach tightens at the thought of the three of them in different states next year, while Oliver and I are off overseas. Sometimes growing up just sucks.

“Can you believe we’re done?” Ashley grins when we sit down with them. “No more school. No more studying.”

“Speak for yourself,” JD groans.

“Whose fault is that?” she shrugs. “No one is forcing you to study medicine.”

JD rolls his eyes at her and we all laugh as I settle in between Oliver’s legs, leaning back against him. He drapes his arms over my shoulders.

A few girls from school and some of Macca and Oliver’s footy mates join us throughout the night, sharing their plans for next year. Most are planning to go to university, some are getting apprenticeships. Everyone is excited to hear about mine and Oliver’s travel plans. It feels surreal knowing we won’t be seeing all these people for a long time. Some of them we will probably lose contact with all together.

I’m pouring myself and Ashley another drink at the makeshift bar on the back deck when I hear Sarah’s voice from behind me.

“Hannah, can I talk to you?” It’s meek and unsure. Far from the haughty, bitchy tone I’ve copped from her this year.

I turn around and face her. She’s on her own. I don’t know where Caley and Tiana are, but I’m tense, bracing myself for whatever this is going to be.

“I, uh, I just want to apologise for, um, for the way I treated you.” Sarah’s eyes dart up to mine before dropping back to the ground. “I was a real bitch to you, and I don’t blame you for hating me. I was a bitch to a lot of people. It might be hard to believe, but I loved Joel. I really did.” She sniffs, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand. “I still do.”

Her words are like a vice squeezing around my heart, and I think about how close I came to being in her position. What if it had been Oliver who took his own life?

“It was stupid of me to ruin all of that with Oli, and I know him not being able to play football anymore is my fault.” Sarah takes a deep breath as she looks back up at me. “I’m not saying all this so you’ll forgive me. What I did is wrong on so many levels. I just really wanted you to know that I’m sorry. If I could take it all back, I would in a heartbeat. I miss Joel so much, and it’s my fault he’s not here anymore.”

I stare at her, not knowing what to say. This girl has made my life miserable this year, but she is also standing in front of me, at a party, in front of most of our classmates, apologising. That takes a lot of courage.

Before I can say anything though, Sarah gives me a small smile. “I was jealous of you, you know.”

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