Page 10 of Something to Believe In

“Getting ready for pre-season?” He throws me a towel when I drop back down to the ground.

I guzzle down some water. “Just keeping fit.”

“You’ve been running a lot.” He fiddles with the barbell.

My quads and calves tense at the reminder. “What do you want, Sam?”

“I’m just trying to have a conversation.”

I raise my eyebrows.

“You’re eighteen next week,” Sam says casually, walking over to the punching bag and giving it a couple of jabs.

I chug some more water. What am I supposed to say to that? Six weeks ago we buried Dad. Christmas sucked. Why would I give a shit about celebrating my birthday?

“Mum thought you might want to invite some mates over?”

I stare at my brother.Is he serious?“Why isn’t she asking me?”

“I said I’d talk to you.”

Of course you did. Dad’s gone and you think it’s your place to step in as the man of the house. Douche.

“It doesn’t have to be big,” Sam continues when I don’t say anything. “Hannah, Ashley, Macca, JD, a few mates from school.” Sam shrugs. “Think about it?” He pauses before adding, “I think she just wants to make sure you’re still staying connected, you know? She’s noticed, you know, that you haven’t really seen anyone but Hannah since…” He clears his throat. “Look, eighteen is a big deal, Oli. He’d want you to celebrate.”

“Whatever,” I mutter. I drop down onto the bench and Sam moves over to spot me. Gritting my teeth, I push the bar up, my muscles contracting as I bring it down again. I do ten reps before Sam helps me settle the bar back in its nook.

“You’re not the only one who misses him you know.”

A sharp pain cuts through my chest and I rub it. I’m glad I’m covered in sweat so Sam can’t see the tears. “I know.”

“Mum needs this as well. She feels guilty. Like she’s not doing enough to help us, I don’t know, figure out life without him or something. This party will show her that we’re all trying.”

“Yeah.”

He claps me on the back as he walks back inside the house. After he shuts the door, I take out my anger, my hurt, and my frustrations on the punching bag. My knuckles sting as they connect with the hard leather, but I relish the pain. At least I know I can still feel something.

∞

Celebrating my eighteenth birthday without Dad is the last thing I want to do. But if it makes Mum happy, I’m not going to say no. I leave the organising up to Hannah and my brothers. I don’t want to think about who to invite, because the one person I want there can’t come.

As I lay on my bed, my mood is as sombre as my black jeans and charcoal coloured T-shirt. The music has been playing for about thirty minutes and the steady hum of conversation from our backyard sweeps down the hall.

A knock on my door finally gets me up off my bed and I groan as I make my way across to open it. My breath whooshes out of me, my body stirring at the sight of Hannah standing in my doorway wearing a sparkling silver dress that shows off her summer tan as it clings to her body. I swallow, dragging my eyes up to meet hers.

“Hey,” I somehow manage to choke out.

“Happy birthday!” She wraps her arms around my neck and my body burns everywhere it touches hers, my stomach going into freefall like I’m on our favourite rollercoaster ride.What the hell is happening to me? She’s Hannah.

“Thanks.” I cough as she takes a step back and I feel the loss of her body pressed against mine.

“I… uh… wanted to give you your present before you came out to join the party.” She drops her gaze down to her feet as she passes me the gift bag.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” I mumble, still trying to make sense of the electric forcefield that seems to have sprung up around the two of us. I pull out the signed Geelong Football Club guernsey and my eyes snap up from the gift in my hands. “How did you get this?”

“Do you like it?” Her eyes sparkle as she smiles. They’re bright green, like the trees in the forest near Lorne where we used to go camping when we were younger.How did I never notice before?

“Like it?” I grin at her stupidly. “I love it!”

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