But how will things ever be normal again without my mother?
Children are taught, unless they tragically succumb first, that they will lose their parents at some point in life. It’s never easy, and even older adults struggle to cope; why did I have to do this at eighteen? Before I’ve even lived? There is so much I still need her to teach me.
I’ve never been in love before. I haven’t lost my virginity. I’ve never lived on my own. Or owned a car. I don’t know anything about a 401k or interest rates or the best time to buy a house. I don’t even know how to cook anything besides toast and scrambled eggs. Who will teach me all of that?
Dominic’s face briefly flashes through my mind regarding the more practical things. He’s taught me how to ride a bike and to drive, but I still needher.
I head down the stairs, my flip flops slapping against the hardwood with every hop until I reach the bottom. I’m wearing a black sundress that highlights my waistline and comes to just above my knees underneath a chambray shirt that I rolled to my forearms with my hair pulled into a sleek ponytail that grazes the tops of my shoulders. It’s the first time I’ve put any effort into my appearance in weeks, and it feels good. For the first time in a month, I see a glimpse of my old self.
Dominic is sitting in the kitchen reading the newspaper like he does every day, when he must hear me coming. He looks up and meets my gaze. Unashamedly, I watch as eyes wash over me from my feet to the ponytail on the top of my head. He turns back to his newspaper, like he can’t look away fast enough. “Going somewhere?”
“School,” I tell him as I pull out a cup of yogurt from the fridge. “Can you drive me? Or I can ask Kate to pick me up?”
He turns around to face me and concern flashes in his eyes. “You know I don’t like you riding around with kids your age.”
“Which is why I asked ifyou’ddrive me.” I pull off the lid and lick it before tossing it in the trash can. “It’s my last week of school…I’m trying, Dominic.”
He nods before letting out a deep sigh. “You’re right. Of course. It’ll do you some good to see your friends. Let me just go get dressed.” His words resonate, and I find myself wondering if any ofhisfriends had checked on him. If his siblings had reached out since the funeral. His brother, Seth, who is truly one of the sweetest guys ever, had flown here for the funeral but had to fly out the next morning on an early flight to be back in Florida for a meeting, so they didn’t get to catch up.
My grandparents, however, have been here two to three times a week, and Mama’s friends from the hospitals visit on a constant loop with food and labors of love. I swear my mother’s favorite nurse has done more of our laundry this month than I have.
Is Dominic lonely? Does he have anyone besides me? Or is he pushing everyone away while dealing with being a widower for the second time?
I don’t have a ton of time to contemplate this because he’s back almost as quickly as he left wearing sweatpants and a Lakewood High football t-shirt that takes at least ten years off his age. He doesn’t say anything as we head to the car and he’s silent almost the entire twenty minute ride to school. “Are you mad at me or something?” I ask just before he drops me off. I’m no stranger to his anger but I’d at least like to know why so I can proceed accordingly with goading him.
“Of course not.” His eyes are fixed on the road.
I turn in my seat to face him and I take a moment to admire his profile. A strong nose, a sharp jaw, and long lashes that rest on his skin whenever he blinks. “Why are you being so…sullen?”
He runs his tongue over his teeth and takes an exasperated breath. “It’s nothing, Stassia.”
“But…”
“I said to drop it.”
I cross my arms and face forward. “You’re being a dick.”
“Don’t start.”
“What’s going on with you? Is this about Mama? Or some weird man thing? If you’re not mad at me—”
“It’s not about you, Stassia. Not everything is about you,” he snaps.
“Wow.” I bite my bottom lip in an attempt to shield myself from the angry words washing over me. He pulls to a stop in front of the school and I hop out without another thought, slamming the door behind me. I turn around, hoping he’s preparing to apologize but all I see is that fucking profile. He’s facing forward without another glance at me and then he’s gone.
That interaction with Dominic puts me in a mood for most of the morning. The day that had started out with so much promise, has been shot to shit with my stepfather’s behavior.Why the fuck do I care? We are at each other’s throats ninety percent of the time; why does it bother me so much all of a sudden?
Things are different now,a voice speaks from somewhere within.
By lunchtime, I’m done mulling over Dominic’s peculiar mood swing. I sit down at my usual table in the courtyard just behind the school where seniors can eat lunch and Kate is already shooing people away to make room. “Oh my God, finally, we can talk.” Sadly, I don’t have any classes with Kate, so the only talking we get to do is between classes, at lunch, or when we’ve decided to ditch.
She’s pulling her blonde hair into a ponytail just as a few guys from the football team start to crowd around us. “What do you think of doing something Friday night? Last day of school…” she trails off and instantly, as if they’d planned this ambush, Carter James chimes in.
“It’s my folks’ anniversary, and they’re going to some bed and breakfast in the Hamptons in New York. I’ll have the place to myself all weekend.” I can practically see the want in his eyes as he lays out the perfect scenario that leads to him and me fooling around in his bed. I didn’t hate the idea because his tongue game is good, but I’m not sure I want to lose my virginity this weekend and I have more than enough smarts to know that if I’m not sure, I shouldn’t do it. Especially when I’m this vulnerable.
Carter James is gorgeous, a regular doppelganger of Michael B. Jordan inCreed.Girlsand womenpractically fall at his feet just so that he’ll flash those gorgeous brown eyes at them even if most of the time they’re fixated on me. He’d wanted to be exclusive at the start of the year, but I’ve kept him in the friends with benefits zone for reasons I don’t even really understand. He’s smart and gorgeous and the most popular guy in school with a full ride to the University of Maryland to play football. He doesn’t have a reputation for banging half the girls in my grade like some of his friends and he treats me with the utmost respect. And yet, I don’t want more.Was I the fuckboy here?
Well, fuckgirl?