Page 37 of Bittersweet Addiction

“And you want to risk it?”

“What other choice do I have?”

“Not to say anything?”

“I took an oath, Charlotte.” I can feel myself getting irritated that she’s not understanding my need to do the right thing.

Because you’ve been so concerned with that lately?

“I know, and I get it, but maybe you should talk to your dad?” she asks weakly. I can’t even contain the fire burning inside of me which shoots out of my eyes towards her. I need to calm the roaring fires before I explode, and I know just the extinguisher I need.

My thumb and index finger rub together as I think about turning that familiar lid.

I put the amber liquid out of my mind for the time being. “Oh, you thinkthat’sthe answer?” I shake my head. “J.R. cannot fix this.”

“I wasn’t saying that,” she whispers, and I wonder if it’s time I tell her a little bit more about my childhood and the man that for all intents and purposes is my father. “But he’s your lawyer, perhaps he can advise you—.”

“My father can’t advise me on anything except how to take what you want. How to lie and deceive and still come out on top. How to cheat on you and get away with it,” I snap at her. “He can teach methat.” I step back from her, my eyes leaving her as I know there’s pain behind them hearing my words. When I finally look at her, she has her gaze cast downward and I feel like shit for speaking those words aloud. I’m on my knees in front of her in an instant. “I would never cheat on you,” I tell her as I lift her chin. “I love you more than anything.”

“I didn’t think I would cheat on Matt either.” Her lips tremble and I can see she’s trying to keep the emotion out of her voice, but failing miserably.

“We’ve been over this.”

“I know. I just… you don’t get along with your dad?”

I chuckle, contemplating how complex that statement really is and how I couldn’t even begin to unpack it. I’d spent years going back and forth with Tuck about it and I still feel like I haven’t had the breakthrough. I still hold onto too much anger and resentment. It makes it impossible to have any true realizations about myself or my parents. I have enough self-awareness, and experience as a therapist to understand that. “My father is just…not the man I want to be.”

“He…he’s cheated on your mom?” She furrows her brows together and I can see the wheels turning.

“I would never do that, I’m sorry I said that.” I sigh, wishing I hadn’t put the thoughts in her head. “But yes, often. I don’t know if he still does in his older years; my guess is yes, because he hires women that absolutely reek of daddy issues but I don’t know for sure.”

“When you were a kid?” She winces.

“Childhood, teenage years, adolescence…he was actually late to my college graduation. Showed up forty minutes late in the same clothes he was in the night before, when we’d all gone to dinner to celebrate my degree.” I’m still kneeling in front of Charlotte and before I can think, I’ve placed my head in her lap, seeking the comfort I know alcohol could give me, but wanting to grasp for the higher power I was hoping could pull me out of the darkness that is hovering over me. Her hands find my head instantly and begin to stroke my hair and massage my scalp. Her fingertips quiet the roaring thoughts swirling in my brain as I remember the fact that he didn’t even attend my master’s graduation.Though that fact had more to do with Diana Montgomery.“They missed my grad school graduation.”

She gasps. “They? As in…?”

“Both my parents. Drew came with whatever flavor of the week at the time.”

“How—?”

“They had tickets for a cruise around the Mediterranean.” I hear a sharp intake of air. “And before you empathize with them at all, they weren’t non-refundable tickets.”

“I wasn’t…I was just going to say that’s pretty shitty.”

“The sad part is I was used to it by then.” I sit up, as I look her in the eye, wondering if the breakthrough is on its way. “I’ve never had what felt like any real connection to anyone in my immediate family. My mom was…is the stereotypical Stepford wife, but lacks any real emotion. I couldn’t tell you the last time I felt any real affection from her. My father…” I swallow, wishing this conversation was over so I could go hide out in my office for the rest of the day. “I’m sorry they’ll be your in-laws.” I grimace and she frowns, finding my face.

“I’m sorry they hurt you. I’m sorry theycontinueto hurt you.” She blinks away her tears. “What about your brother? It seems you two are quite close?”

I roll my eyes.Honestly, that’s more on Drew’s part. I tried to put distance between us; hiding the resentment I have for him is exhausting.“Drew had a different upbringing than I did. It’s almost as if we were born to different parents. He had parents that worshipped him, supported his dreams, encouraged his passions. He was a sports God, perfect at anything that required athleticism—something I lacked. He bonded with my father over that, whereas J.R. couldn’t understand why I lacked the physical ability to keep up. Drew was my mother’s firstborn, her pride and joy. A baby made out of love. J.R. was there for everything in the beginning for Drew—first steps, first words, everything. I came five years later, as my mother struggled to keep my father interested. I came in response to my father’s first affair. The band-aid my mother hoped would fix everything. Instead, it just pushed him into the arms of another woman and my mother was left essentially raising me on her own.” I shake my head as I remember coming to that first realization. “My mother resented me for it. Or maybe she resented her actions of getting pregnant to keep my father. Either way, I’m far from the favorite child.”

I watch as the tears trickle down her cheek, her eyes red and glassy. “Oh Will.” She shakes her head and puts her hands over her eyes, then drops them, and moves to the floor to press her knees against mine, placing her hands on my thighs. “I love you so much. Thank you for sharing that with me. I hate that you felt so alone growing up, but I hope you know you never have to feel that way again.”

I never have to feel alone again.My heart reacts to her words and I have her in my lap kissing her like our lives depend on it before she can say anything else. I don’t speak, I let my mouth do the talking for me as my tongue winds with hers. I wrap my arms around her, holding her tight against me as the pain of talking about my past bubbles inside of me. My mouth waters again thinking about what I planned to do after I left this room, but Charley’s tongue wipes away the feeling just as quickly. I pull away from her when I feel like we both need a breath and rest my forehead against hers. “God, where have you been all my life?”

She doesn’t say anything, because I don’t think she really has the answer. Finally, she speaks, her voice just above a whisper. “I would have wanted you if we met in high school. Or college. I would have made you feel wanted. Special. I would have protected you from them. I’ll protect you from them now. You’re not alone, Will. Not anymore.” My nose rubs against hers, my eyes fixed on hers as they penetrate me.

Seeing me.

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