Page 38 of Knot All Is Lost: Part 1

“Now you said you like to do a lot of reading, so I’m guessing they are fantasy fiction?” Bodhi asked, glancing at me.

“Fairy tales are my favorite but I love anything with a happy ending,” I shared.

Bodhi grinned and clicked play, allowing the movie's music to fill the space. Soon the title of the movie appeared: Beauty and the Beast. It took seconds for me to be completely sucked into the story and lost in Belle’s world. As I wiggled further under Oscar he started to purr, stroking his fingers through my hair that he’d unbraided at some point, now falling freely around me.

When I got scared toward the end at the battle between the Beast and Gaston, Bodhi moved closer and I clutched his shirt sleeve. When the Beast was shot I cried out. “No! He can’t die!”

“Easy Cambi, you said you like anything with happy endings and this one definitely has one,” Bodhi assured me. “I wouldn’t make you watch something that would make you feel worse than you already were.”

Nodding, I grabbed his hand and held it to my chest needing the reassurance he offered. “Okay, I’ll trust you, we’re best friends after all.”

Bodhi snorted and grinned at me. “Yeah, and best friends look out for each other, right?”

Oscar started to get upset about something pointing to himself then to me. It took me a second but I figured it out. “You want to be my best friend too?”

He nodded while using a closed fist motion that I assumed meant yes.

“Rafael said I can have as many best friends as I want so you can absolutely be one,” I announced. “Does that mean I get to be one of your best friends?”

Oscar’s body shook in his version of laughter as he pulled my head to him kissing the top of it before he put his lips to my ear. “For now, Little Star.”

Hearing him speak even though it was so faint, softer than the quietest whisper stunned me. “You just spoke!”

Bodhi looked at us, his brows so high they were hidden under his shaggy hair. “Wow, he must have had something important to say.”

“I thought you couldn’t talk at all?” I questioned, frowning at the Alpha.

Oscar shook his head and turned my face back to the movie which Bodhi had paused so I didn’t miss the ending. Clearly my Alpha wasn’t ready to share that part of his story, but I couldn’t blame him. No one likes to share the darkest parts of their life with someone they don’t really know. We were new best friends after all.

“You ready for your happy-ever-after I promised?” Bodhi asked, pressing play. “After this we’ll watch one of my all time favorites. I think you’ll love it.”

Of course Bodhi was right Belle did have a happy ending with her Beast who’d finally become a man after learning to love. It made me wonder if all people who act like beasts were just misunderstood people who were being swallowed by pain or self-hatred. Then my thoughts drifted to my father and I couldn’t remember a moment where I’d ever seen him happy. Even when Mom was alive he still yelled, smacked her around, and felt like life had wronged him. There had to be something about him that my mom fell in love with, right? Both of them were Betas, they didn’t have anyone telling them how to live their lives or to stay together. Mom could have left at any point but instead she didn’t. In the end, it killed her.

“What did you think?” Bodhi asked, sitting up cross-legged, looking at me expectantly.

“Do you think all beasts can change?” I asked.

He blinked at me a few times, clearly not expecting that question. “Damn Cambi, you don’t pull any punches, do you?” he said, running his hand through his hair. “I don’t know the answer to that, I’m not sure anyone would. People make choices about their lives. They can either choose to make it better or live with the shit that got dumped on them.”

Oscar sat up taking me with him so I sat in his lap as he signed while Bodhi translated.

“Like Bodhi said, people can choose to be mad about their life or circumstances, or they can rise above. You are a perfect example of that. From what we understand it sounds like your father hated his life, always trying to take the easy way out which landed him in bigger trouble. He decided that if life was going to be cruel to him, then that is how he would treat others.” Pausing Oscar shifted me so I was sitting between them and could see his face as he spoke. “Then there is you, a person who has been treated in the most barbaric way for almost their entire life. Yet you would never dream of treating someone like that. Instead, you did whatever it took to get away and have such a drive to protect others from that fate. People decide how they will let the world treat them and how they will react.”

“That’s how you see me? As a protector?” I questioned, not at all sure how he came to that conclusion.

“You protected me from Bodhi this morning and last night you didn’t want Spencer to get in trouble taking the blame yourself. My Little Star, you shine so bright in the world with how big your heart is, but it shines brightest when you defend those you believe have been wronged.”

As if my body only had one way to deal with the ever changing emotions, my eyes watered as I flung myself into Oscar’s arms, hugging him tightly. “Thank you for seeing me that way Oscar. I’ve never been good enough for my parents, but the way you all talk about me it’s like you can’t see any of my brokenness.”

“Cambi,” Bodhi stated, then paused so I turned to look at him. He sat there staring at me as if unsure how to say what he was thinking. “Look, I didn’t have the greatest life growing up either. I’ve got my own damage and fucked up way of viewing life. The small bits that we’ve heard from the others lets me know it’s nothing close to what you’ve been through. I might understand some things but how you aren’t screaming at the world for wronging you so badly, I don’t get it. I’d be tracking that son of a bitch who dares to call himself your father down and killing him for how he hurt you. Somehow the universe knew you needed every ounce of goodness for you to survive. How you are and the way you care about others… none of it makes sense to me.”

Once more sitting in Oscar’s lap I grabbed Bodhi’s hands and clasped them in mine. “What good does it do any of us to fill the world with more hate and anger? Do I ever want to see my father again? No. Do I want him dead?” I shrugged.

“What would that change? If you found him and killed him how would that make you feel any better about yourself? My father is now in the past. I’m free of him and can choose how I want to live my life. You, Bodhi, and the others of this pack are my future for as long as this lasts. Being with all of you is terrifying. I’ve never felt so safe, warm, or cared about than I have in the past twenty-four hours. While I don’t know how long it will last I plan to soak every bit of it up so I never forget what it feels like ever again.”

Oscar tightly wrapped his arms around me, as he hid his face in my neck purring, while Bodhi wrapped us both in a hug. We stayed like that for a bit then, then we all pulled ourselves together, and started the next movie. This time I found myself in the middle of a puppy pile. Oscar wrapped around my back as Bodhi rested his head on Oscar’s hip with his legs tucked up by my chest so it was hard to tell where one of us started or ended.

Bodhi’s choice of movie was Treasure Planet and I loved every second of it. Beauty and the Beast was great but this was full of adventure, pirates, and a sense of freedom I always longed for. Not to mention the most adorable pink blob that had me laughing my head off. It felt good to be happy, to smile, laugh, and know it wasn’t a dream I made up in my head. It was real, these men were here and taking the time to make me feel better after my meltdown this morning.

Everything they did was genuine, full of heart and I knew if I ever had to leave them I might not survive. None of it made sense. After being abused for so long how could I just trust? But some things in life you can’t explain and these men were quickly becoming my whole world. I just hoped I fit into theirs the same way.

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