Page 31 of Knot All Is Lost: Part 1

“Cambrie?” Rafael’s voice pulled me out of the memory only to realize I was sobbing under the blankets. The mattress sank as Rafael sat and moved the blankets back to reveal my face. When he saw me it was almost as if my sadness hurt him as he slowly reached out to cup my cheek brushing away the tears. “Little One, what’s wrong?”

“I’m so sorry.” I sobbed, sliding onto the floor ready to beg for forgiveness like Father always made me do before he hit me. “I didn’t mean to be disrespectful and say those mean things to Bodhi. Sometimes the words come out before I can stop them. Mom tried to teach me to be a good obedient girl but I could never mind my tongue. I’ll leave now, I don’t deserve to be here after doing that.”

“Cambrie, you’re not going anywhere,” Rafael announced. “Please come back up here and sit with me there is absolutely no need for you to beg on your knees to me or anyone else, ever.”

He reached out a hand for me to take but I just couldn’t believe he wasn’t upset. Why? Why had everyone else in my life found me lacking and yet these men seemed to find no fault whatsoever?

“Why?” I whispered. “Why aren’t you mad at me? Why do you care so much when you don’t know me? No one treats people this way.”

Rafael studied me for a moment, then joined me sitting on the floor stretching out his legs, resting his hands on his lap. “You know why, you said it not five minutes ago to Bodhi. People who care about each other shouldn’t tear each other down. Believe it or not, Little One, I unequivocally care about you in a way that I don’t fully understand yet. It ruins me to think your parents have made you believe that you’re anything less than perfect being who you are.”

I scoffed. “I’m far from perfect, I could never follow all the rules Mom tried to teach me. When she died Father told me it wasn’t even worth trying to improve the worthless daughter he had, so why should I bother going to school? I thought I could show him how wrong he was by getting my GED, going to college, and getting out. Then I failed at that too becoming an Omega. Maybe my mother knew what I would be and tried to teach me how to behave so when the government took me I could fit in with a pack like yours.”

“Do you know why you got mad at Bodhi?” Rafael asked.

My gaze flicked up to his, confused by his question. “He was being cruel to Oscar when he didn’t deserve it. That tone he used he wanted his words to hurt Oscar and I wasn’t going to let him do that.”

“Is that something you do often, defend those around you? Or is it only people you know?”

I knew the answer right away but I took a moment to appreciate Rafael’s question. “Everyone deserves to have someone on their side whether you know them or not. If I can do something about it I will try because then the other person knows they’re not invisible to the world around them.”

“Do you feel invisible?”

Leaning my head back I looked up at the skylights at the blue sky with the puffy clouds. “Before meeting all of you… I know I was invisible. I could be covered in bruises, cuts, getting skinnier by the day, and no one cared. They had their own problems to deal with so why bother with someone else’s?”

“Cambrie, will you look at me please?” Rafael requested.

I did as he asked, meeting his blue-gray eyes, shielded by his glasses, but piercing into my soul just the same.

“You are not invisible to me, or anyone in this pack. We see the pain you’ve been through marked all over your body, watch you as you struggle to be stronger than your mind will let you be as it is filled with lies, and what you did for Oscar meant the world to him.” He paused letting his words sink in for a moment. “When he lost his voice, the world he grew up in considered him damaged goods. His family and most of his friends walked away, abandoning him to face this life altering change by himself. For you to protect him like that having just met him, and after all that happened this morning is something he will never forget.”

“But Bodhi—”

“Deserved the lashing you gave him,” Rafael said, cutting me off. “Bodhi has been through hell in many similar ways as you have, but instead of choosing to see the good in people, he hardened his heart. Yes, Oscar is his best friend, and I think he might be the first real friend Bodhi has had. Sadly, his first response is to assume someone is going to betray him and lash out first before he can get hurt. He was upset Oscar told you something without him knowing what it was, so he assumed the worst.”

“Doesn’t he want Oscar to stay his friend? Saying cruel things will only push him away, not encourage him to stick around,” I asked, trying to understand. “If I had someone who genuinely wanted to be my best friend I would do anything to make sure that person was happy with that choice.”

“Hmm, see there is trouble in that way of thinking too. Bodhi chooses to cut people off who get too close so he doesn’t get hurt. Oscar and Bodhi have had many fights, then once they have both cooled off they find a way to reconcile. With what you said I’d worry about you doing things that aren’t healthy or you’d do anything just to make the other person happy. Relationships of any kind go both ways. Each person needs to give one hundred percent to the relationship for them to stay strong. The moment someone pulls back that’s when things start to crumble. You can’t be the only one working to keep the friendship alive, it has to be both of you,” Rafael explained.

Everything he said made sense but went against most of what I’d been taught all my life. Mom always went the extra mile while Father provided for us, that was the roles they lived by. My duty was to be a good obedient daughter who reflected well on her parents… but I never seemed to be able to do that.

“What if both people don’t understand that’s how friendships work? Like I didn’t and I wouldn’t have expected the other person to either,” I argued.

Rafael nodded. “You make a valid argument, Little One. We learn by what we see and who we spend time around. When you don’t have a good example of a healthy friendship it’s hard to get it right. This is when you decided to be the change and teach someone else how to be a better friend and person. When people realize that every relationship takes work you find out quickly who’s worth the effort. Some will stay, others will leave, but let them leave because they aren’t worth the effort. Remember it’s not fifty-fifty it’s one hundred and one hundred.”

“So does that mean you and I are best friends now because we both know how to be good friends to each other?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.

Rafael smiled so brightly that I wasn’t sure it was real. “Little One, I would be honored to be one of your best friends.”

“You can only have one,” I countered.

“Now why would you choose to limit the love you can share? You said you protect anyone whether you know them or not, so why can’t you develop deeper friendships with more than one person?” Rafael challenged. “A healthy pack works best when everyone is friends. Yes, some might be more than friends and develop into lovers, but at the core of every couple is friendship. If you don’t have that foundation when you get into hard times relationships shatter, and you can’t put them back together again.”

As he spoke I could see old wounds casting shadows in his eyes, and sadness lingered in his words. Moving closer I placed my hand over his hands in his lap. “I’m sorry.”

He frowned. “For what, Little One?”

“That you had someone shatter your heart,” I answered. “You have the same look on your face as my friend Peggy does when she talks about her fiancé that died.”

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