Page 577 of Love Bites

“Will you be?”

“Will I be what?” God, Vamps were tiresome.

“On your best behavior.”

“Absolutely not. We’re here.”

I stopped my crappy car in front of a charming old Craftsman. Flowers covered every inch of the yard. It was a literal explosion of riotous color and I loved it. Granny hated grass—found the color offensive. It was the home I grew up in. Granny BS, as everyone loved to call her, had raised me after my parents died in a horrific car accident when I was four. I barely remembered my parents, but Granny had told me beautiful bedtime stories about them my entire childhood.

“OMG, this place is so cute I could scream.” Dwayne squealed and jumped out of the car into the blazing sunlight. All the stories about Vamps burning to ash or sparkling like diamonds in the sun were a myth. The only thing that could kill Weres and Vamps were silver bullets, decapitation, fire and a silver stake in the heart.

Grabbing Dwayne by the neck of his muscle shirt, I stopped him before he went tearing into the house. “Granny is old school. She thinks Vamps are…you know.”

“Blood sucking leeches who should be eliminated?” Dwayne grinned from ear to ear. He loved a challenge. Crap.

“I wouldn’t go that far, but she’s old and set in her geezer ways. So if you have to, steer clear.”

“I’ll have her eating kibble out of my manicured lily white hand in no time at…holy shit!” Dwayne screamed and ducked as a blur of Granny BS came flying out of the house and tackled my ass in a bed of posies.

“Mother Humper.” I grunted and struggled as I tried to shove all ninety-five pounds of pissed off Grandma Werewolf away from me.

“Gimme that stomach,” she hissed as she yanked up my shirt. Thank the Lord I was wearing a bra. Dwayne stood in mute shock and just watched me get my butt handed to me by my tiny granny, who even at eighty was the spitting image of a miniature Sophia Loren in her younger years.

“Get off of me, you crazy old bag,” I ground out and tried to nail her with a solid left. She ducked and backslapped my head.

“I said no tattoos and no piercings till you’re fifty,” she yelled. “Where is it?”

“Oh my GOD,” I screeched as I trapped her head with my legs in a scissors hold. “You need meds.”

“Tried ‘em. They didn’t work,” she grumbled as she escaped from my hold. She grabbed me from behind as I tried to make a run for my car and ripped out my belly button ring.

“Ahhhhhhgrhupcraaap, that hurt, you nasty old bat from Hell.” I screamed and looked down at the bloody hole that used to be really cute and sparkly. “That was a one carat diamond, you ancient witch.”

Both of her eyebrows shot up and I swear to god they touched her hairline.

“Okay, fine,” I muttered. “It was cubic zirconia, but it was NOT cheap.”

“Hookers have belly rings,” she snapped.

“No, hookers have pimps. Normal people have belly rings, or at least they used to,” I shot back as I examined the wound that was already closing up.

“Come give your granny a hug,” she said and put her arms out.

I approached warily just in case she needed to dole out more punishment for my piercing transgression. She folded me into her arms and hugged me hard. That was the thing about my granny. What you saw was what you got. Everyone always knew where they stood with her. She was mad and then she was done. Period.

“Lawdy, I have missed you, child,” she cooed.

“Missed you too, you old cow.” I grinned and hugged her back. I caught Dwayne out of the corner of my eye. He was even paler than normal if that was possible and he had placed his hands over his pierced ears.

“Granny, I brought my…”

“Gay Vampyre best friend,” she finished my introduction. She marched over to him, slapped her hands on her skinny hips and stared. She was easily a foot shorter than Dwayne, but he trembled like a baby. “Do you knit?” she asked him.

“Um…no, but I’ve always wanted to learn,” he choked out.

She looked him up and down for a loooong minute, grunted and nodded her head. “We’ll get along just fine then. Get your asses inside before the neighbors call the cops.”

“Why would they call the cops?” Dwayne asked, still terrified.

“Well boy, I live amongst humans and I just walloped my granddaughter on the front lawn. Most people don’t think that’s exactly normal.”

“Point,” he agreed and hightailed it to the house.

“Besides,” she cackled. “Wouldn’t want the sheriff coming over to arrest you now, would we?”

I rolled my eyes and flipped her the bird behind her back.

“Saw that, girlie,” she said.

Holy Hell, she still had eyes in the back of her head. If I was smart, I’d grab Dwayne, get in my car and head back to Chicago…but I had a killer to catch and a whole lot to prove here. Smart wasn’t on my agenda today.

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