Page 80 of Never Again (Never Blue)

Tali

I slepton my own that night in Paris. Not because I didn’t want to lose myself in Jude’s bed again, but because I didn’t want to lose myself at all. We left early in the morning for London, our last stop of the tour. After two shows there, it was home.

If I wanted, I could chalk Jude up to a tour fling and let his presence fade from my life. Except I’d be seeing him again when we toured the U.S. in a few months. And I wasn’t sure I wanted him to fade.

No, that wasn’t true. I was entirely sure Ididn’twant him to fade. I had never wanted that. Whether pursuingmorewith him was a good idea remained the question bogging down my mind.

Michaela popped her head in my office at the rear of the bus. “Mind if I come in?”

“Sure.” I’d been looking over a contract for a musician joining Rein Records, but my eyes were crossing from reading all the text. I could have used the break.

She sat down on the bench across from mine, resting her feet on the cushions. “I can’t believe we’re going to be home in a few days.”

“Seriously. I’m used to longer tours, but six weeks might be my sweet spot.” I clicked my laptop closed. “What’s next for you?”

“Home for a month, then I’m heading to Asia with Unrequited.”

I grinned. “Ah, Mo. Has he hit on you yet?”

She lifted an eyebrow, giving me a dry look. “Does a bear shit in the woods? I’m pretty sure he can’t help it, but I shut him down fast. I don’t do youngsters, and I certainly don’t fuck with dudes I work with. No thanks. I’d instantly lose all credibility.”

“That’s probably wise.” And food for thought. What were people going to think if I was with our sound engineer?

“That doesn’t apply to you and Jude.”

“Are you a goddamn mind reader, Mic?”

She snorted. “No, but I know you well enough to see where your mind was going. The Blue boys worship you, and while they might rib you a little because, you know, everyone in this industry talks shit like it’s their job, you and Jude aren’t some random hookup.” She tilted her head. “You’ve hooked up, right?”

“You’re so damn nosy.”

She gave me a victorious smirk. “I take that as a yes. Good for you, girl.”

I sighed, turning away to look at the highway speeding by. “It’s not just hooking up when it comes to Jude.”

“Of course it’s not. The two of you are deep. Anyone can see it. The way he watches you when you’re not looking. I know you didn’t believe it at the beginning of the tour, but that boy has longing written all over him.”

I believed it now. He’d wanted me from the start of this tour. What exactly he wanted with me, I wasn’t sure. But I didn’t doubt it went beyond our final stop in London. “It’s a lot. And figuring Jude out while I’m working is almost too much.”

“Why do you have to figure him out today? Or before the tour ends? Can’t you just date, or whatever the hell people do, and see what happens?”

Michaela seemed to find my inner-conflict confusing. I got that. She’d never seen Jude and me together when we were good. She didn’t know how being with him had felt like being with the person designed for me, or the person I’d loved through multiple lifetimes, since our love story couldn’t be contained in one.

“I don’t have to figure him out today, but I don’t think we can just date either. Jude and I didn’t break up because we didn’t love each other, and even after all this time—” I stopped myself short. I wasn’t quite sure how to end that sentence.

Michaela leaned forward, elbows on her knees. “After all this time...you’re still in love?”

“No.” My answer was emphatic. “No, I’m not saying that. I’m saying the residual feelings are too strong to be casual.”

She shook her head, like she was sorry for the decision I had to make, but her eyes were alight from getting to watch the show from the sidelines.

“I was about to say I don’t envy you, but who am I kidding? You get to have that gorgeous man in your sheets, and Iknowthat makeup sex has got to be out of the world. You don’t have to confirm nor deny. I already know.”

I had to laugh at that. There had never been a time where sex with Jude had been anything less than intense, but that night in France had been on another plane.

“Since I don’t need to confirm nor deny, why don’t we move this conversation to topics which don’t involve my vagina?”

She sputtered a laugh. “Let’s talk about London and all the shopping I want to do.”

---