Page 36 of Never Lasting (Never Blue)

I wish I’d bought you a present, but I didn’t know what you’d like. Next year, Stripes. Next year, it’s on.

Did I freak you the hell out talking about next Christmas when it’s still this Christmas?

Email me, okay? I need it tonight.

Yours,

Jude

My stomach was sour at how sad he sounded, so I picked up my phone and called him.

“Stripes?”

“Hey, Jude.”

He let out a heavy sigh. “I’m really fucking happy to hear your voice.”

“I just read your email. I thought it deserved more of a reply than words bouncing through the ether. I’m sorry you’re alone.”

I walked across the room and sat against the headboard of my bed, pulling my floral comforter up to my chest.

“Me too, but I’m feelin’ okay right about now. I never know where I stand with you, but hearing your voice is making my night.”

“You know I like you, Jude, and I’d love to be with you tonight. The rest, I’m figuring out. I’m hoping we’ll figure it out together when I get back. I know it’s a long time to be gone—”

“Don’t you dare start with theyou don’t have to waitshit again.”

His voice was so firm and emphatic, I almost let myself believe him.

“Okay, I won’t start it. But just know it’s true.”

It might have been true, but it was also true that I’d be more than a little devastated if he decided I wasn’t worth the trouble. My reticence might’ve come off as cold and uncaring, but my heart told me to take my time with Jude, because once I gave in completely, I might not come back. And at nineteen, never having had a boyfriend, that was scary.

“Tali…” he grumbled.

“Jude...tell me about your house. There was mention of a castle.”

“It’s big and echo-y and empty. It needs people to fill it, but I wouldn’t wish this place on a family. It should probably be burned down. Love has no home here.”

I picked at my comforter, wishing I had wise words of comfort. I’d grown up in a home that was too small for us and the love we had for each other, and there was no doubt I’d taken it for granted.

“If I were there, I’d be hugging you so damn hard. Go stay with Ben. Tell him to hug you for me.”

His chuckle was warm and low, filling my chest to the brim. “If I ask Ben for a hug, he’ll think I’m putting the moves on him.”

We talked for a few more minutes, until my mom poked her head in my door and gave me a pointed look. I guess they weren’t quite done treating me like a child. I promised Jude to email him a picture of me in my new boots, and he promised to get the hell out of his cold castle.

* * *

New Year’s Eve,Nina and I were going to a house party with high school friends. I’d put on my finest fishnets, mini skirt, ripped up Smashing Pumpkins tee, and my new boots on my feet. My eyes were smoky, and my lips were shiny. I felt sexy and cute, but I didn’t want to dress up for these boys. I wanted this to be for Jude.

“Hey, Stripes.”

“Hey, Jude. Happy almost-new year,” I said through my phone.

He coughed, then took a long inhale. He had a show tonight in D.C., otherwise I might have been brave and asked him to come up to New York to hang out with me for the night. Logistics would have been tough, but I would have figured it out.

Of course, it was easy to talk big talk when it was an impossibility.

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