Page 131 of Bright Like Midnight (Savage U)

“I love you, Zadie. I’m angry as hell you walked away from me, but I love the hell out of you too.”

Heart caught in my throat, I twisted my head to peer up at him as he stared down at me. His words were harsh, but his eyes were nothing but soft.

“I love you too, Amir. I’m not mad at you, but I’m really sad we couldn’t work this out so we could be together.”

He clicked his tongue on his teeth. “Don’t like that attitude, mama. This isn’t us ending. You know that, right?”

“No, I don’t know that. I know what I want, but I also know what I won’t accept. I really, really thought I could live with it, but I just can’t. And after seeing you at the fight—”

“You don’t have to give me up.”

“I don’t?”

“I’m notlettingyou give me up. Let me tell you what I’ve been doing the last three weeks.” He took my hand in his, waiting until I nodded for him to continue. “I’m not gonna lie and say I saw your side right away. It took me a few days of wallowing and getting drunk off my ass to come around. It was finally your words that did it. Cognitive dissonance.”

I sucked in a sharp breath, remembering exactly what he was talking about. “Marco and Julien.”

“Marco pointed out the truth I’d been convincing myself was a lie because it fit my narrative. No matter how many times I said that life was separate, it wasn’t true. Everything I did for Reno bled onto the people around me. Dr. Krasinski warned me about the shadow that followed my name. He almost didn’t give me a recommendation but—”

I gasped. “Did he give it to you?”

Amir’s mouth quirked into a slight grin. “He did.”

I was so happy for him, I lost my mind, brought our joined hands to my mouth, and bit down on his index finger. When I realized what I’d done, I kissed it better as Amir quietly chuckled.

“I’m really, really proud of you,” I said.

“I could tell.” The way he looked at me reminded me of how Max had looked at my mom. I’d just bitten this man, and he was looking at me like I was his entire world.

My face was on fire, but I let him see it. I was done hiding from him. “Please keep talking.”

“I didn’t have a choice, Zadie. Not just for you, but for Marco and Julien, and fuck, for myself, my future. I got out. It took time and careful planning. Reno wasn’t at all happy with me and made it as hard as possible for me to unravel all my ties. He’s still pissed, but he can’t come down too hard on me with Julien almost dying because of that life.” Amir shuddered, squeezing his eyes closed.

“You got out?”

“I’m finished. That fight? It was the last money I’ll ever earn for Reno. Like I said, he was pissed at me and wanted more than cash for me to sever ties to the business. It couldn’t be easy on me, but I knew it wouldn’t be. I knew it, and I ran straight for it because I wanted it so badly. I threw the fight so Reno could bet against me, allowed Ishkov to beat me to hell and back, all so I could have a clean break. And I’m clean now, Zadie. No ties. That life is history.”

I couldn’t get the image of him pounding his fists into that man out of my head. Nor his bloody knuckles and clothing from the night of the break-in. He might have severed those ties, but what he’d done before…how did I get past that?

“I was at the fight.”

“I saw you. Fucked with my head that you were there. I was gonna come for you after, tell you everything, but you were horrified by me. I never thought I’d see you again. Never thought you’d let me hold you.”

“I didn’t think I would either.”

He gritted his jaw. His chest rose and fell as he swept me with his gaze. “I’ve done things you’ll never be okay with. I wouldn’t want you to be okay with any of it. You wouldn’t be the Zadie I’ve fallen in love with if you were.” He patted his chest and cleared his throat, but every word he said came out choked. “But here I am anyway, asking you to look past it like you once told me you could. If it were one of your flaws, then I would revel in it because it gets me you. You’ve seen the worst of me, and I’m asking for you to love me anyway.”

Fear enveloped me like a fog, surrounding me so thickly, until it was hard to breathe. This was a moment that would change my life. If I said yes, if I took him back with my eyes wide open to exactly who he was, this was it. He was my beginning, but he’d be my end too. I couldn’t see myself ever loving anyone after him if we went any deeper. I would be ruined and made whole again, into the Zadie Night who could only love Amir Vasquez. It might have already been too late. The weeks apart certainly hadn’t lessened my love for him.

At my continued silence, Amir slumped, dropping my hand to cup his head. “Fuck, mama.” He looked at me, stricken, the light dimming behind his eyes. “Really?”

My mouth opened. “I don’t know.”

His exhale was jagged, like splintered air being forced from his lungs. “Fuck.” He got up, pacing in front of the lounger. “Fuck, fuck,fuck!”

He strode into the rain, dropping his head back so the drops pummeled his face. I sat there, watching the love of my life awash in agony, and wondered what the hell I was doing. How could I think for even a second I didn’t want Amir to be my ending?

Leaping from my seat, I ran to him. At the last second, he brought his face down, seeing me approach. I collided with his chest, his arms circling me automatically.

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